The Mom Crowd

Do you live in San Antonio and want some fabulous photos of your kids? You should check out Boerne’s premiere children’s portrait artist, Amy at Shutter Happy Photography. She is hosting free photography sessions between now and March 31st for a National Model Search. You can check out the details here. You can also find out more information about booking for Easter photographs and bluebonnet photos at her blog!

I loved my maternity leave – the discovery of a new way of life for myself and my family.  It was quite nice to know I didn’t have to be anywhere, and that I just had the gift of time with my darling daughter after she was born.   Of course, there was a lot of down time too, and I wanted to fill it with something easy.  My friends came through for me with dvds galore.  

Our first order of business was to watch “Sports Night”, the complete series.  This was a (too) short-lived dramedy on ABC written by Aaron Sorkin (he of ”The West Wing”) – and it is brilliant!  It came in wonderful little 22-minute episodes, enough for a feeding or two.  Those first nights when I was trying to figure out nursing were stressful, and having a good new show to consume was just what my stressed out body needed.  It took us about 2 weeks to watch ‘em all.  Then we watched them again.  If you haven’t seen this show, get it to the top of your Netflix queue, stat.

During the day, when hubby was at work, I needed some adult company, something to make me feel normal.  Occasionally a friend would come over and provide that for me, but there were many, many quiet afternoons.  My pal Betsy came to the rescue with her entire series collection of “Gilmore Girls” (up through season 5 at the time).  I had never seen a single episode (we were without cable then, so no incessant reruns for us on ABC Family!)  Let me tell you, does it get any better than “Gilmore Girls” for escapist t.v.?  I loved Stars Hollow and all the characters within it.  (I still think Max Medina the teacher was Lorelai’s best match; what a waste!)  By the time I had finished season 2, my husband was also pretty hooked.  Don’t tell him I told you.

Occasionally I’d rent entire seasons of shows through Netflix, too.  I have memories of getting “America’s Next Top Model” season one, as well as the first “Amazing Race”.  My word, what a t.v. junkie I was.  It was kinda nice, though.  The baby was too young to understand what was going on so I didn’t need to worry about setting a bad example.  I calculated how many hours I had at home with my child during maternity leave, and it was over 2,000! 

When my son was born, my comfort t.v. was “Friends”.  I owned all of the seasons by then, and I constantly had a dvd in our bedroom player ready to go for the middle-of-the-night feedings.  I was a little unnerved the first few weeks after coming home from the hospital (both times), because I was so accustomed to the nurses coming in and checking on me so regularly.  When I got home, I didn’t have that sense of security, so Ross & co. kept me feeling somewhat safe.  It’s silly, I know, but it really helped.  Hubby and I also watched all of “Alias” for the first few months after Eli was born.

What were your post-partum comfort t.v. shows?  Have you seen “Sports Night”?  Who did you root for: Luke, Max, or Christopher? Did your dvd player get a workout in those first few months home with baby?

There is so much to learn from ‘Parenting With Love and Logic.’  I thought I’d share some of my biggest successes as I’ve been reading the books and taking the class.

Something I have been learning about is control. Love and Logic teaches that in order to have control, you must give control.  One way of getting control is to offer as many choices as possible to the child.  Children are happy to oblige and feel like they have a say in day to day living which can help prevent battles over the bigger stuff.  I have been trying to be creative in offering choices….

For example:

• Do you want the green cup or the blue cup?

• Do you want to get your jammies on upstairs or downstairs?

• Do you want to brush your teeth first or get your jammies on first?

• Do you want to open the door or do you want me to?

• Do you want to take the dishes to the sink or sweep the floor?

• Do you want to wear your coat or carry it to the car?

• Will you be wearing your shoes to the car or will you be taking them in a bag?

You get the idea.  The key is to make sure that you offer two choices and that you are fine with either choice.  The other thing to keep in mind is to make sure the second choice is not a threat (i.e. do you want to clean up the toys or do you want a spanking?)

Have you ever noticed that when you tell your children to do something their first typical response is, “NO!”? Well, maybe your kids don’t do that….

I was getting tired of battling with the boys to get on coats and shoes and changing from jammies to daytime clothes before going out to the car. I noticed a BIG difference when I started asking the boys if they would be getting dressed upstairs or downstairs and wearing their coat or carrying it instead of demanding them to put it on lecturing them how if they didn’t get it on now they would freeze to death and complain about being cold. Please tell me you’ve done this too!  Now, when I ask how they will be bringing their coat I stopped hearing, “NO! I don’t WANT to get on my coat!” and started hearing, “I’ll wear it (while they put it on!)” We have had some life lessons that have come with this too.

I wrote last week that my 4 year old has mastered the ability to convince me that he (insert whine) just can’t put his shoes on, can’t get his shoes on, coat on, hat on… Well, I have to get my own things on and help the baby get his outside gear on too so enough was enough.  I told Isaac that I thought he was a very smart boy and that I knew he could figure out how to put on his socks, shoes, and coat.  I would not respond to whining anymore.  Now, I announce that I am going to get my coat and shoes on and that I will be leaving after I get the baby dressed. My 5 year old is on top of it now.  He zips downstairs and gets everything on and is ready to go.  If Isaac has been interrupted from playing he will sometimes go into whiny mode and complain so long about not wanting to leave that he will just sit and whine instead of put on his shoes and coat.

We have left the house with his shoes and/or coat in a bag or waiting inside (depending on where we are going).  Lo and behold, he is quickly figuring out that when I say I am leaving he is coming with me fully dressed or not.   I don’t have to lecture him because he is smart enough to figure out that I am leaving when I say I am leaving.

I have to say it feels GREAT to have that stress taken off of me. It is his CHOICE whether or not he puts on his socks, shoes, and coat in a timely manner. If he asks for help with his zipper I will gladly oblige as long as he hasn’t been whining about leaving.  I don’t need to control that aspect of his life.

I know that some of you must be thinking some of the same things I did.  What if other people think I am a terrible mother for letting her child leave the house without a coat or shoes for that matter?  I decided that I would rather my child learn how to put on his own clothes and learn how to be age appropriately independent than care if some lady thought I was crazy.

Love and Logic teaches parents how to use “Enforceable Statements”.  Instead of telling kids what to do all the time, you tell them what YOU are going to do. I have found this technique helpful during eating times.  I was having a hard time getting the boys to sit down to eat and STAY at the table instead of getting up and grabbing toys or running off to play and then come back and eat. I started using this statement, “I’ll be serving lunch until 12:30 (or when the big hand gets to the 6).  When the big hand gets to the 6 I’ll be putting lunch away.  I hope you’ll join me.”  (You can also use a timer for younger children) If they waste their time playing instead of eating then that is their choice.   Lunch plates get taken away and the crying starts—“But I’m HUNGRY”! They get a big hug from me as I say, “Oh honey, that is sad you chose to play instead of eat. I’ll make sure we have a yummy dinner for you. Now run along and play.”  I give lots of empathy and reinforce THEIR choice.  I’ve only had to take away plates one or two times.  Do you know that it isn’t even an issue anymore?  When I tell them that lunch will be served for the next 20 minutes they come running to the table! They learned that one really fast.

I’ve been learning a lot about what I can and can’t control when it comes to my children.  For example, I can’t MAKE my kids eat but I CAN decide when I’m going to serve food.  I can’t MAKE my kids clean up their toys but I CAN let them know that I will keep the ones I clean up.  I can’t MAKE my kid stop whining but I CAN become hard of hearing when I am being whined at.  I’m still learning but sometimes I hear William Wallace yelling, “FREEDOM!” in the background.  I don’t know about you, but I get stressed out when I feel like I need to MAKE my child do something but it is a losing battle.

Love and Logic encourages empathy, listening, love, encouragement, and believing that your kids are really smart.  A lot smarter than we give them credit for.  It teaches parents how to have good relationships with their kids. It is helping me to not yell, overreact, and withdraw from my kids.  I want to enjoy my kids and enjoy being a parent.  Not that I didn’t enjoy it before—but sometimes I feel so exasperated that I don’t know WHAT to do next.  My 5 year old is starting Kindergarten next year and unless I homeschool him, he will be spending more time with peers than he will at home.  I want him to enjoy being around me and I definitely want him to be prepared to make some good responsible choices for himself.  I won’t always be around to tell him what to do or hover for him and rescue him.

So, if you read the books or take the class come back and tell us how it is going!  Or, if you have any questions about it ask me.  What do you think about my success stories? What do you think about what you’ve been reading in the books?

**Please read the book before trying this at home. I had to leave out several other key things (due to space) that make Love and Logic work.  I want it to work for you too!

Valentine’s Day is coming up this Saturday and what better way to show your family that you love them than with a will and a life insurance policy! Okay, your family may not feel completely comforted by the reminder that you won’t be on earth forever, but it is something that you should have in order. Even if you just create a “love folder” and put all the documents in one place this weekend would a huge accomplishment. I know I feel loved by my husband’s proactive care for our family in case of an emergency. Here is a re-posting of my original post, ’7 Ways to Show Your Family That You Them’ in time for Valentine’s Day. 

We all show our family that we love them in different ways. Another way that you can show your love for them is to show them that you care about them even after you are gone. The hard reality is that we are all going to leave this earth and we don’t know when. I have a friend whose husband unexpectedly passed when they were 27 years old and she had 3 month old twins to take care of. It doesn’t matter what stage of life you are in, you need to be prepared.

Each person makes their own decision how to prepare for the end from an emotional and spiritual aspect, but here are some practical steps to be prepared from a financial and administrative perspective.

1. Have a will.

Even if you don’t think you have a lot of assets, you need to have a will because you don’t want the State to dictate what happens to your property after you are gone. You have the opportunity now to take that responsibility. It will save your family a lot of time and grief knowing your wishes, because getting an estate in order after someone has passed can take a lot of time.  You may be surprised by how many possessions you own after completing a will.

It is good to discuss whom will care for your children if something should happen to both parents. It is certainly a hard decision and there are many factors to consider. I know one couple who does not tell anyone who the “godparents” are, because it isn’t a family member and they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. This is one decision I DO NOT want left up to the State’s probate laws.

Myth: I have to go through a lawyer to get a will.
Fact: Right now you can download a state specific will from USLegalForms.com for $20. Then all you have to do is fill it out and have it notarized.

2. Have Term Life Insurance.

If someone depends on your income then it is best to take out a policy for 8 – 10 times your income. Then once the life insurance money has been issued, your family can invest the money in a good growth stock mutual fund and if it earns at least a 10% return, you can live off of the interest. Then the lost income is replaced.  Since I am a Stay at Home Mom, this gives me an enormous amount of peace knowing that I will be okay for money if something should happen to my husband.

For Stay at Home Moms a policy should be for about $250,000 to $400,000, because a mom’s work is valued at about $40,000 a year. (Although, it feels like it should be more!) The idea is that if something happens to the mother, then the father can afford a Nanny or Child Care while he continues to working.

Don’t assume you have life insurance through your work. Find out the details of any life insurance plan you or your spouse has through work.

Term Life Insurance is not that expensive. You can go to ZanderIns.com for a quote. Depending on your age and how much coverage you want it can be $30 to $55 a month.

Myth: Whole Life Insurance is a great idea, because I can invest my money at the same time.
Fact:  The truth is that the return on investments in a whole life policy are horrible and it is better to put that money in a mutual fund. Also, there is not a guarantee that your beneficiaries will receive the savings upon your death. For more information about Whole Life Insurance go here.

3. Make plans for your estate.

Making a will and planning for your estate go hand in hand.  Estate planning will allow you to decide who will get your house, cars, or anything else you want. Also, if you give your house as an inheritance to your kids, then you can avoid a high rate of gift tax. On daveramsey.com “The federal government allows someone to die and leave in their estate $2 million without any estate taxes. An individual can only give another individual $12,000 before getting gift-taxed out the ear unless they claim it as part of their estate before they die.”  You can read more about this here under the question “Is Inheritance The Way To Go?”

The estate planning process is also where you will set up any trusts that you want to leave for your kids. You can even make stipulations on whatever specific areas you want. You can specify the age that they get it and how much or that it be used to pay for college.

Myth: Estate planning is only for rich people.
Fact:  The truth is that you may be surprised by how much you have. You need to make plans for the term life insurance money or if you own a home.
4. Make a Living Will.

A living will is a legal document that a person uses to make known his or her wishes regarding life prolonging medical treatments. It can also be referred to as an advance directive, health care directive, or a physician’s directive. A living will should not be confused with a living trust, which is a mechanism for holding and distributing a person’s assets to avoid probate. It is important to have a living will as it informs your health care providers and your family about your desires for medical treatment in the event you are not able to speak for yourself. (From Alllaw.com.)

This may certainly help deter any family arguments if one family member wants to keep you on life support and another is ready to let you pass. If your wishes are known, then the family knows your wishes and they can respect them.

I would also add that it contain if you want an autopsy done or not to determine the cause of death. We had a death in the family last week and the family had to make this decision within hours of him passing. They didn’t know what to do and were not in a state to make that decision.

You can buy a Living Will at USLegalForms.com for $15 and get it notarized.

Myth: I don’t care what happens to me and the doctors will know what is best for me. 
Fact:  The truth is that you have say in the matter now and your family and even doctors may disagree on the kind of care that is best for you. You can save a lot of grief and arguments by making your wishes known.

5. Make Burial Plans.

You can make your burial plan wishes in your will. They can be as detailed or limited as you want. Making simple decisions about cremation or being buried can save your family a lot of trouble. You can let them know that a cheaper casket is okay and that they don’t have to get you the Lexus of caskets. Even if you want a full Catholic funeral with a Rosary or a simple memorial.

Myth: Pre-paid Funerals are a great idea.
Fact:  The truth is that you could spend that time investing in a mutual fund and get more for your money. You can make prearranged funeral plans so your family doesn’t have to make emotional decisions,  but you don’t have to buy your plans. If you invest your money instead, then you will have the money to pay for the burial. You can read more about it here.

6. Discuss your plans and wishes with another family member.

My husband and I often discuss our wishes to each other. It isn’t morbid, I just want to be prepared. With all the discussions and plans we have made, I know I would be okay if he passed. Of course, I would miss him and I would have to work hard at just breathing again, but I know deep down that I am going to make it. We have asked our parents what their wishes are, because we want to know. It is okay to bring the subject of burial up with your family.

Myth: If I discuss my wishes with someone else, then I may die really soon.
Fact:  The fact is that you are going to pass and no one knows when they are going to die. It is better to discuss it and save your family some grief and agony in their time of mourning.

7. Make a Love Drawer.

All of these plans and discussions will amount to nothing if no one knows where your will is. Wills are not publicly filed, so you need to know where it is in the house or safety deposit box. I know I have asked my parents for copies of their wills and they said “Sure, it is right here in the blue folder in the mounds of papers in the roll top desk.” and then they went to find it and couldn’t.  It is important to know where it is being kept. Give a copy to a friend or family member.

Put everything, wills, insurance policies, deposit box keys, burial plans all in one drawer. This is really showing how much you love your family.

Watch this video from Dave Ramsey on The Early Morning Show about how you can say “I love you!” with a Love Drawer.

Have you made any of these plans? Do you have a love drawer?

This afternoon, I had the misfortune of being involved in a hit-and-run accident.  Thankfully, I am fine and no one was hurt.  I was leaving my college and another driver decided he was in a bigger hurry than everyone else and rammed his car into my driver side door and kept going.  I followed him the 50 feet or so to the end of the parking lot to where he was stuck because another car was at the stop sign in front of him and I got out of my car to tell him he hit me and that he wasn’t allowed to leave!  He got out of his car briefly to tell me that he was driving his girlfriend’s car and didn’t have his license and then the car in front of him left, so he quickly got back in his car and took off!  I was yelling “You’re not allowed to leave!” and I then started chanting his license plate numbers hunting for a pen and paper.

I called the campus police who showed up to one mad mama!  While they were taking pictures of my poor mini-van {the door is probably going to need to be replaced}, I called my husband at work {who is an adjuster for our automobile insurance company} and told him what happened.  Of course, there are things I wish I would have done differently, but for the most part I got a thumbs up from my husband on how I handled the situation.  It’s really hard to think in situations like that, so I thought I’d share some tips with you to store in your back pocket, in case you’re in a situation like this someday.

Grab a witness

• This is one thing I wish I could have done.  While I was chanting the license plate numbers, I wish I would have yelled for someone to identify the car so they could place him at the scene.  Unfortunately, I’m a biased witness, so if you can grab a witness of the accident, do it!  Make sure you get their contact information for your insurance company and ask if they’ll stay for the police report.

Take a picture!

• I wish my phone had a camera and that I had the quick thinking skills to photograph the car as he was leaving.

Find out as much as you can about the other person

• Most accidents do not involve a hit-and-run, so make sure you write down the person’s driver license number, insurance information, make/model/year/color of vehicle, and their license plate number.  If they are fleeing the scene, try to get their license plate number at the very least!

File a police report

• If the person sticks around, make sure you have a police report filed so the person can’t say they weren’t there.  This is especially important if there is not damage to their vehicle.

Drive Safe!

• The best way to avoid accidents is to drive defensively.  Pay attention!  Don’t talk on your cell phone!  Even if the light is green, look for cars who may be running a red light.  In my case, there was no way I could have avoided it {other than skipping class today}, however, as soon as I saw him coming, I hit my horn and braked.

I am still fuming and mad about this chump who decided to flee the scene without taking responsibility for his actions, which is why you got this post!  I am supposed to be studying for two big tests, but all I can do is replay this afternoon in my head.  I’m hoping they find this guy.

Have you been in any similar situations?  What tips do you have for situations like this?