According to Wikipedia, a Helicopter Parent is someone who:
“pays extremely close attention to his or her child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. These parents rush to prevent any harm or failure from befalling them and will not let them learn from their own mistakes, sometimes even contrary to the children’s wishes. They are so named because, like helicopters, they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not.”
Some practical examples of being a helicopter parent are:
- Driving your child to school if he/she misses the bus
- Taking your child’s homework up to school if he/she forgets it at home
- Waking your child up every morning when they are old enough to use an alarm clock
- Not allowing your child to fail at a project (finishing the project so it gets a good grade)
- Giving your child more lunch money even though he spent it unwisely earlier in the week
- Making excuses for the child why her homework wasn’t complete and begging the teacher to give the child another chance or a passing grade
- Settling all normal childhood battles for the child
Helicopter parents try to save their children from the hardships of the world and try too hard to make everything in the child’s life pain free and perfect. Helicopter parents love their children very much. They don’t want to see their children sad or suffering and feel like helping them out is the loving thing to do. Unfortunately, the result of helicopter parenting is that children grow up without knowing how to be responsible (because mommy and daddy have been doing all the rescuing!) and believe that they are incapable of doing anything. The children learn that they absolutely can’t make it in life without mommy and daddy.
Drill Sergeant Parents believe that they can make their children do whatever the parent says to do. Drill Sergeant parenting incorporates threats and punishment in order to make the child do what the parent wants. The parent wants all the control and believes that the more control he/she has, the more likely the child is to obey. Unfortunately, there are many things you cannot “make” a child do. These parents have children who don’t really learn how to make good decisions—they only learn how to avoid getting in trouble or get a reward. Children of drill sergeants have a difficult time thinking for themselves because their parents do all the thinking for them.
Some practical examples of being a drill sergeant are:
- Barking orders to clean up toys, bedrooms etc.
- Yelling—especially at bedtime when the children aren’t going to bed like they are supposed to.
- Continuous power struggles (homework, chores, talking back)
Drill Sergeants love their children too. They just believe that they can make their children do what they want by bossing them around. Unfortunately, the downfalls of drill sergeant parenting is communicating to the child that he/she can’t think for him/herself and that he/she isn’t capable of making it in life either.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? It is possible to be a helicopter to one child and a drill sergeant to a different child in your family. I have recently discovered this myself. I have been more of a drill sergeant to my oldest son-who by the way only digs his heels into the ground more when I try to boss him around. And I am much more of a helicopter to my second child. He is 4 and fully capable of putting on his own shoes and coat but there I am doing it for him because he starts whining that he “just can’t do it by himself.” So basically, I am a recovering helicopter drill sergeant.
I have been taking a class called Love And Logic that has been marvelous and revolutionary in my relationship with my children! Love and Logic was created by Jim Fay, Foster Cline, M.D. and Charles Fay, Ph.D. They have several books available as well as some seminars you can go to. There are certified Love and Logic teachers available all over the country who teach the course.
The goal of Love and Logic is to teach parents how to be Consultants to their children. Consultant parents communicate to their children, “You’d best do your own thinking because the quality of your life has a lot to do with your decisions.” Consultant parents don’t tell their kids what to do. (Mind blowing-I tell you!) Consultants are excited about the opportunities that come along in life where children make mistakes—because it is an opportunity for the child to learn (not be rescued!). Consultant parents are always there to give advice (not lectures!) but let their children make their own decisions and fail or succeed.
Love and Logic is practical for toddlers through teenagers. The techniques work and I am going save some of my own successes for another post next week. They have books that help with teens, toddler-kindergarten, even for a classroom setting. Their website has some video clips that will help you get a taste of their style. It won’t give you too much information though—just enough to make you ask for more.
So, have you ever heard of Love and Logic? Do you know anyone that does Love and Logic with their kids? Are you a helicopter, drill sergeant, or consultant? Sound intriguing?
Did any of y’all catch post-Superbowl episode of The Office? Stanley had a heart attack, and after he returned to work, he carried around a bio-feedback machine, which “alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down!” (Every time boss Michael Scott came close to Stanley, the machine would beep frantically.)
I need to ask my accountant friend if she can write a book explaining this stuff in layman’s terms!! It seriously makes my head hurt…but it makes me happy that we have another avenue to help with the adoption expenses!
