The Mom Crowd

This post isn’t the usual light Friday faire, but it is something that it is on my heart to share with you all. I truly believe that both spouses will be tempted to cheat as long as they are married. The temptation may not be there every day, but comes and goes over time. Cheating isn’t necessarily sleeping with someone else, but sharing your life that you should be sharing with your spouse with someone else.

No one wakes up and says, “I’m going to have an affair today!” It happens gradually over time. It begins with a thought in your own heart, an innocent flirtation, or checking someone out. You may not think anything of it at the time, but it can build up in your heart. I think it is so important for couples to talk about this subject and hold each other accountable. No one is above temptation.

Here are some ways that we can safeguard our marriages from infidelity.

1. Confess to your spouse when you check someone out. Before we are married we are programmed to check out every potential guy. Then you get married and have to turn that “checking out” switch off. After a while you don’t even think about doing that, then one day you just do it. It happens. I tell my spouse what I did or he tells me and we move on. I do think it is harder for guys, because some women like to showcase their boobs.

2. Don’t put yourself in situations that have the appearance of infidelity. As a common rule, don’t be alone in a house with a friend of the opposite gender, ride in the car, or go out to lunch. This may be extreme, but if you never get in those situations you will never give the impression of any wrong doing.

3. Carbon Copy or CC your spouse when sending an email to a friend that is of the opposite gender. My husband and I seriously do this and I think it helps a lot. We had one friend that wouldn’t reply-all so we told them about our rule and then that friend gladly obliged. It holds each spouse accountable.

4. No magazines or movies that are highly sexual in nature. There is no exception to this rule. I don’t know one woman that feels great when their husbands view other women. It makes wives feel like poop even though that is not their intention when they are engaging in that behavior. Women we need to be careful too!

5. No rules about Hollywood actor exceptions. There are couples that will allow their spouse to be with one actor or actress if they ever meet them. Maybe I am being extreme here, but I don’t think joking about it is funny. I think it opens the door to thinking that maybe this behavior might be permitted. I would rather my husband to always want me no matter who they met. That’s just me.

All these actions build trust in a marriage. I like knowing that we can hold each other accountable and not be jealous. Women love feeling secure and there is something to feeling secure when you know you can trust your husband. It is also great when they can trust their wife. A marriage is stronger when trust is built.

Do you have any safeguards in place? Do you feel like you can trust your spouse?

Christy’s post last week got me thinking about our family dynamic.  My husband works close to home (and even from home, occasionally), but he also does a LOT of traveling for his PhD studies.  He’ll be gone for anywhere from ten days to twelve weeks at a time.  The traveling can be difficult for him, with frequent travels through international airports (and their security), sleeping on couches at friends’ houses, and eating out every day (which he hates doing).  I’ve also witnessed how it has affected our children.

It’s hard on us when our husbands have to leave on business (or TDY), but it can even be harder on the kids.  When kids are young, they have little or no concept of time.  Saying “daddy will be home in ten days” or something along those lines just doesn’t register with them.  The first time my husband left us to do some PhD work at his university (in another country), he was gone for over two months.  Ten weeks?  Seventy days?  How was I supposed to explain this?  My four year old could only count to twenty!  Fortunately, I have a dear friend who was stationed overseas a couple of years ago, and during that time, her husband was deployed three times.  Her kids were also very young at the time, and she gave me some very helpful advice to get me and the kids through those very difficult weeks away.

Make a “daddy” book: Create a mini photo album filled with pictures of dad playing and interacting with the kids.  Let the kids carry them around, or prop it up next to their bed at night, so daddy’s right there with them. Some parents have put pictures of their spouses on the kids’ pillowcases (which you can order from Snapfish).

“Count” down the days until dad gets home: Whenever my husband leaves, whether it be for a few days or weeks, we create a Jellybean Countdown Container.  As you can probably guess, we take an old jar and fill it with jellybeans, and the number of treats corresponds with the number of days that my husband is gone.  The kids get one jellybean out of the jar every day, and that way, they know that daddy’s coming home when the jar is empty!

Let the kids use things that smell like dad: I would let my son use dad’s cologne if he wanted to smell like daddy.  Just dab a little on his wrist or spray his shirt, and he was good to go.  I, too, would occasionally use his cologne, spray one of his flannel shirts, and sleep in it at night.

Give them “kisses” from daddy: As an extra comfort measure, I would fill a jar with Hershey’s Kisses and place it on top of the counter.  Any time the kids got hurt or really sad, they would get a “kiss” from dad.

Skype before bed: If your husband’s involved with the kids’ bedtime routines, arrange for him to call around bedtime.  He can tell the kids a story (or, in our case, my son can tell HIM a story), sing them a song, etc.  If your husband is in a place where he can’t do this, have him record a few videos reading the kids’ favorite books.  Then, play the videos at night so daddy can read them a story before bed.

Does your husband travel a lot for work?  How do you handle this time in your house?

Related posts:

Trina’s post about being a (temporary) single mom

About three months ago, the negative effects of the recession hit our home when my husband got laid-off.  After the initial shock and fears of wondering how we were going to survive, we settled into a new reality.  I was terribly worried that my husband and I were going to drive each other crazy being around each other 24/7 with no breaks.  Surprisingly, this time has strengthened our relationship and our individual faiths. 

I thought I would share a few of the things we have done to stay sane:

Take turns sleeping in!  While I have taken my share (plus a few extra) of mornings sleeping in, I also try to let him get some days “off” from the early morning (and I mean VERY early) kid duties.

Get out of the house at least every other day!  Staying at home gets boring and boredom brings on depression and aggitation.  Getting out of the house frequently helps stave off some of the crankies.  We have made many trips to Target, Toys R Us, and other local stores just to browse to get everyone out of the house.

Play games together!   While it’s next to impossible to play actual board games with kids in the house, we have taken to playing online Scrabble and other games against each other.  The advantages of these online games are that you can take your time playing, come back to it and play when you want/can, and you don’t have to worry about game pieces being shoved into little noses!

Wives, don’t nag!  At first I didn’t realize that to my husband, my asking questions about his job search as often as I did was nagging.  It’s ok to inquire about phone calls or progress, just not on a daily basis.  And by all means, DO NOT look for a job for him unless he asks you to or has given you “permission”.  Many guys feel emasuclated when their wives do their “work” for them. 

Pray together!  We  pray together over potential jobs, our finances and our children.  Like Dawn has been saying in the past two Abiding Mondays posts, prayer calms anxiety.  When I get anxious, it helps me to pray with my husband.  I find comfort in knowing he is standing with me during the troubling times.

And lastly, just remember that it won’t last forever.  The right job will come along.  Your life will get back to the normal you have always known!

Have you or someone you know closely gone through this type of situation?  What did you do to stay sane?  What tips do you have for families in this transitional time?

Photo Courtesy of Moomettesgram

My husband recently got laid off from his job due to the recession and has been home full time for about two weeks.  As negative as his job loss may seem, it’s been a blessing to me at this point in time.  I have been dealing with some health problems that have kept me in bed and unable to do my daily activities, including chasing after our two kids.  I have been blessed that my husband has been stepping up to the plate in a big way, even more than usual.  It got me to thinking about how much I underappreciate him on a regular basis.

Often times I get into the mindset of “I do so much around here and no one seems to appreciate it” and I forget about all that my husband does without expecting my praise or any reward.  Even before he was laid off, he spent a ton of time with the kids and did baths everynight.  He always takes out the trash and brings in the heavy things from the car after big shopping trips.  Little things like those go unappreciated so often that I have begun to take him for granted.  I have come up with a few ideas of ways I can show my appreciation for him and thought I’d share.  (Of course, being the ever loving and supportive husband he is, he will probably read this before you all do and will know the little acts of kindness before they are done!)

• Write him a little note telling him how much I love him and leave it in his car (I do this every now and then when I can sneak out to the car without him knowing)
• Give him an unprompted back rub
• Make his favorite dinner without asking him beforehand what he wants to eat that night 
• Do the kids’ bath one night to give him a break
• Brag about him to my friends
• Make him his favorite cookies and not eat any myself

I think the best thing I can do to show him my true appreciation for all that he is and does is just to tell him and stop complaining when I don’t feel appreciated.  I think he’ll like the last one best of all!

What kinds of little things do you do for your husband when you want to show him your appreciation?  What are some ways you wish he would show you his appreciation for you?

Photo Courtesy of KayVee.INC

We recently found out that we are expecting baby #4 in December.  When we found out we were pregnant my husband, Jon, started feeling a little nausea if he didn’t eat every few hours.  Or he would just feel like he needed to eat.  Like his stomach needed something more–even though he just ate.  And he started craving things that have sustenance–like cheeseburgers, not carrots.  He describes it as his stomach gets tight and he feels like he might throw up if he doesn’t eat something.  He feels grumpy and just wants to eat.  And he has been craving more sweets.  He is more of a salt guy than a sweets guy so that is a new symptom too.

When he starts telling me all this I can’t help but laugh!  I have felt that way with the last 3 pregnancies!  Yes, I know what it is like to HAVE to eat every few hours or face the porcelain god.  Yes, I know that protein/cheeseburgers are more filling and help you feel better for longer when you are dealing with morning sickness and that the idea of eating veggies and couscous for dinner may not sound appealing.  Yes, I know what it is like to feel like you don’t care what someone is saying because all you can think about is what you need to be putting in your stomach so you don’t feel like you are going to toss your cookies.

We decided that he is experiencing Sympathy Morning Sickness.  And I say, “I’m so thankful!”  Nausea debilitates me.  I have a hard time NOT throwing up and once I start it is hard to stop.  I don’t feel like I have time to figure to mess with what we call “inconvenience sickness”. I have way too much other stuff to do–shuffle 2 kids back and forth from school, do laundry for 5 people, cook meals, keep the house in a somewhat reasonable living condition, and oh yeah, start packing/selling/decluttering our stuff for a move to England later this summer! I digress. Now, truth be told, I am only 6 weeks along and I usually don’t start getting heavy nausea until week 7.  We will see how this whole scene plays out.  Perhaps it will come full force in the next week.  Or maybe, just maybe, he’ll have it the whole time.

Many people have reported similar things. I mentioned it in my birth class on Sunday night and one of my couples said the same thing happened to them.  I found this website where women shared their stories about sympathy morning sickness/pregnancy pains.  Now it is fun to ask couples with kids if they ever experienced that same thing.

So, what about you?  Did your husband experience sympathy morning sickness?  Weight gain? Pregnancy pains? C’mon! Share your stories!

I found that t-shirt from Cafe Press. I thought it was pretty cute .