The Mom Crowd

I have played the “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” game since Day One of getting pregnant with my first child. I wished I would not have gone skiing and hot-tubbing before I knew I was pregnant. I wished I wouldn’t have forgotten my prenatal vitamin so many times. This guilt game has just gotten worse and worse the longer I’ve been a mom. After my daughter was born with some health issues, I instantly took responsibility for her health problems! I was mad at myself for knowing she probably had Down syndrome and not researching more information to better equip me to be her Mommy. I also took responsibility for Connor’s heart defect because in my mind, there was surely something wrong with me. I think the hardest guilt-trips I’ve gone on have had to do with having a child with special needs and never feeling like I’m doing enough for her.

This game of “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,” is not limited to the major issues of my parenting, however. I have punished myself for letting my kids watch too much television, and have given myself the necessary lashing for trimming my children’s nails to short and drawing blood. What’s so bad about the nail-trimming incident is that I’ve heard my dear friend beat herself up about this before, so I should have been even more careful! Then there’s always that time that I won “Mother-of-the-Year” when I decided Darah could fuss for a while in her room. After 10 minutes of Darah fussing, I angrily went in her room to find that her leg was stuck between the wall and her toddler bed. The big mistakes I’ve made, along with the little mistakes I’ve made as a mother seem to turn into self-condemning and major guilt-trips. My resounding guilt-trip these days is not spending enough quality time with my children.

Before you start thinking of why you’re an even worse mother than I am and completely beat yourself over the head for things you’ve done as a mother, read on!

Studies show that today, moms actually spend more time with their kids than mothers of the past. We are better multi-taskers today than mothers of previous generations. That multi-tasking makes us moms feel like we’re not spending as much time with our kids as we are. The standard of care is super high. Moms today compete viciously about everything from when their child takes their first steps, to the proper method of diapering their child, to having the smartest child in the sandbox. With that competition comes enormous guilt, because you end up feeling like you’re never making the right decision and never doing enough. This guilt that most mother carry on their shoulders will no doubt impact their child’s environment as well. It’s important for mothers to get out of the “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,” funk and focus on doing the best they can and celebrating their strengths.

Lori Randum wrote an excellent article on how to “zap” away Mommy guilt. She claims that you can live a guilt-free life by doing a few things. To be “Mommy-guilt-free” you need to stop comparing your child or your parenting to others, accept your limitations (and your child’s), apologize when you are wrong, ignore other people’s attempts at trying to make you feel guilty, and acknowledge that you are not responsible for everything your child(ren) do.

One of the things I suggest is celebrating the things you feel like you’re getting right as a mommy! If you are like me, you probably have a hard time coming up with things that you are doing right in your parenting. Ask your child, a friend, your own mother, or your spouse what areas of parenting you are good at. Most importantly, when they list off several things that you are doing good at, accept everything they say with a “thank you,” and not an argument on why they’re wrong! I asked my husband one day out of frustration, “Am I doing anything right with these kids?” His reply surprised me because he named off several things that even in my self-destructive mindset had to admit I was doing an ok job and my kids didn’t have the worst mother in the world. If you really can’t find ANYTHING that makes you a good mommy, I’ll tell you one right now:

“You’ve just read an article on mommy guilt. That means you love your children so much and want to become a better mother for them! That’s something really really special and your kids are lucky to have a mommy like you!”

What do you beat yourself up about constantly? How do you deal with Mommy Guilt? What areas of parenting do you give yourself a pat on the back in?

Here’s some more links for ya:

Parentopia

Overcoming Mommy Guilt

Mommy Guilt Blog

Raising Small Souls: Mommy Guilt

CNN article: Mommy Guilt-A Fact for Most with Kids