Who’s in Charge? Two Year Old Tantrums
It seems like we go in seasons of which of our two children is better behaved and easier to deal with. It is now the season of the two year old! We are watching as our two year old, Connor tries to exert more and more independence. While he is ultra snugly and enjoyable 20-22 hours each day, there are blocks of each day that are exhausting, wearing, and just plain ole’ not fun. The hardest block of time each day is when he first wakes up. He wakes up crying and calling for me, so, I walk into my bundle of sunshine’s room with a “good morning, sweetie” and a smile on my face, only to be greeted affectionately with a “No, Mommy. I want Daddy.” As the parent of a 4 year old who has speech delays, I can’t help but note to myself that my smarty pants son just said a five word utterance, complete with negation, a pronoun, two proper nouns, and was also spontaneous, unsolicited and meaningful. I am snapped out of my daydream by a door shutting in my face. I typically leave him in his room and let him know that he can come downstairs to have his breakfast and his sopping wet diaper changed when he’s ready.
While preparing breakfast for my four year old daughter, my son will make his presence known by standing at the end of the hallway leading into our kitchen/dining area and scowls at us waiting to see who is going to tick him off first. I know better than to make eye contact with him, because I know that once eye contact is made I will turn to stone, he will throw a temper tantrum from high heaven. However, after a few moments of avoiding eye contact and avoiding acknowledgment of his presence, I will inevitably breathe wrong or give his sister the bowl he wanted with his cereal or Darah will sneeze and our peaceful morning has once again been interrupted. I typically ignore the tantrum once it ensues and try to reward him only when he is asking nicely for his cereal and milk, which eventually will happen some days. However, when it doesn’t happen in a timely manner, I usually take him back up to his room and state that that he can join his sister and I when he’s ready to calm down. By this time, my happy four year old is in a bad mood because she’s listened to her baby brother’s tantrum. After about thirty-forty five minutes of two year old mood-swings, all is well and I have a happy two year old until nap time approaches. Then, the cycle repeats itself. Although, the nap time mood-swings are quicker and less painful because the root of these tantrums is tiredness, so he goes to bed without much fight. Some days, he wakes up happy from his nap and we have a nice afternoon and other days, he wakes up from his nap like he wakes up each morning: ready to fight!
I struggle with knowing how to respond to his tantrums. I am afraid of rewarding the behavior with attention, even if it’s negative attention. I also don’t expect him to be happy all the time and am somewhat ok with him being mad or frustrated with me or whatever is making him upset. It is very important to me that my children feel safe with being upset or mad, however what they do in that anger is what is punishable I have justified his behavior to myself that his behavior is normal due to the communication frustration he and every other 2 year old encounters. However, this behavior is becoming more and more frequent and I want to nip it in the bud and re-establish my role as parent. I have watched myself begin to avoid discipline with my son and avoid situations that are sure to set him off. Most offenses requiring discipline are black-and-white for me and are easy for me to correct and train him. For example, when I remind him not to throw his food and he disobeys, I am not hesitant to follow through with the consequence he was warned about {yes, I’m ending my sentence with a preposition.} It’s the unexplainable tantrums for no reason that are a little more abstract for me. I think it’s because I don’t know what exactly I’m punishing. I just want to help him get through these emotions with better, more tolerable, coping skills and end these tantrums.
Do your kids wake up mean and grouchy? How did you handle the two year old tantrums? Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells around your toddler, afraid of what is going to set them off next?
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Oh. My. Goodness. That made me laugh because that is EXACTLY what we are going through! I am SO relieved we are not the only ones with a moody two year old! Like you said, he is just darling and cuddly 22 hours of the day, but MAN… you do something to upset the poor child (like dare to give him something he just asked for or making him walk to the car when I have an arm full of groceries) and something flips! I have felt at a complete loss lately when it comes to how to respond to these tantrums. My sweet baby turns into a red-faced, defiant, screamer who cannot be calmed. (“No, Mommy, I WON’T lay down!”) I have really had to pray and be resolved and consistent and have tried hard not to lose my cool. Most of the time, the only thing that works is making him lay on his bed in his room until he is able to settle down, then he can come out and I give him hugs and talk to him.This is a situation, too, where I have also really had to depend on my husband to help me out a lot lately. This was never an issue so much with my daughter, but there is something in my son that responds more to my husband than me in these situations. All that to say, I have really felt the same way lately and have had the same questions and would LOVE to hear how others handle these situations!
Too funny!
Guess we got lucky with the first one. He always woke up happy and remained so throughout the day. Never a full-blown tantrum. Of course, we got our fair share of “NO!!!!” from him, trying to make his opinion and opposition known. But overall, having very consistent rules and always giving him opportunities to make decisions throughout the day worked out pretty well for us.
Can’t wait to see how our next is going to be!
We’re going through the same thing at my house. It’s the almost 4-year old who is the problem, not his 18 mo. old brother. If I even look or breathe wrong, he is suddenly in a full blown tantrum. I think you’re handling it well. We try to acknowledge his emotions, give him words for how he’s feeling and then let him know that he can rejoin the family (or society – depending on where we happen to be) when he is under control. This actually seems to be working for my much more pleasant (right now) but still trying younger son too. Hang in there!
My little man just turned 2. He has not thrown any tantrums yet-but he is definitely asserting his independence on a few things. I will just be glad when he starts talking!
My kids are in their best mood in the mornings. I love walking into Ava’s room and getting her out of her crib and changing her. She is so affectionate when she wakes up; she’s like an angel…..then turns into the devil as the day progresses. She is at her worst Tuesday and Thursday afternoons because we have to pick up Caleb from pre-K, which is in the middle of her nap. As a result, she is almost always throwing a full tantrum at the preschool….lying on the floor blocking the entrance, kicking, crying, screaming.
I feel like my 19-month old is displaying the “Terrible 2′s” early. I know parts of her frustration is her inability to communicate with us at times (she has a speech delay), becoming more independent, and her personality. My husband and I have learned quickly that the discipline tactics we have used with our son does not work effectively with Ava, leaving us both very frustrated at times, bringing me to tears, and at a loss at how to stop her ugly tantrums.
I have a son who is about to be 8 months old and I know that it will not be too long before I face the same challenges! At least your children switch off when they are going through a rough transition time, I would think if both were throwing regular temper tantrums, you may very well want to lay down next to them and throw your own!
Ace is 21 months and throwing tantrums. Hers are mostly at the end of the day… We are still figuring out how to discipline them. Sometimes I just sit her in a corner in her playroom and walk away hoping that she calms down. because it is usually something dumb that she is crying over or I just don’t have the patience.
Alissa threw tantrums all the time! One time I was in the dentist and her lollypop fell on the floor. I decided to throw it away (dental germs yuck!). She laid down on the floor and threw the biggest tantrum! One of the kids asked their mom,” did I ever do that when I was little?” She responded,”never”. I started crying and had to take my daughter to the car while my son finished up his appt. She was so difficult! She wanted to do things her way. I learned quickly not to do anything around her nap time. I also learned to send her to her room until she was done throwing a fit. Eventually she grew out of it. She is still stubborn but now that she is 5 she talks instead of throwing fits. The 2′s and 3′s age is difficult because toddlers want to test their boundaries. You have to be firm, find what works, and stick to it. McKenna, it sounds like you are doing great. Hopefully Connor’s stage of defiance passes quickly!
I have to say I think 3 year old tantrums are FAR worse then a 2 year olds. The lack of being able to communicate their frustration and the inability fo calm themselves after they’ve reached a certain point is nerve wracking!
Our two teenagers certainly threw their share of tantrums when they were young. We also found that they cycled through periods of bad behavior (luckily not at the same time!). Later I’ve read that these cycles correspond to periods of intense brain development.
It sounds like you’re doing a great job allowing him time to recover and then rejoin the family. Learning to get a grip over their behavior is an important skill for kids to develop. We’ve found that the hard work of parenting preschoolers has paid off now that they are teens … so hang in there, the rewards are coming!
my daughter is a preemie, and she is 21 months. She has really intense temper tantrums, and it is so frustrating. They are particularly bad when she is tired or not feeling well. She is a strong-willed little lady! I remember being terrified last week when she woke up in the night, when she was sick. She was so congested that she couldn’t breath well at all, and she was frustrated. She woke up screaming no, and she kicked and screamed and carried on for a long time! Then I started doing some research to see what they heck was the matter with her, and I am so relieved to see that other babies are throwing fits, as well. I soothe her on a case by case basis. Sometimes I ignore her. Sometimes I talk her through it. SOmetimes I hold her tight and rock her. It’s really tiring, but when she’s sweet, she’s SO CUTE!!
This is so laughable because it is so familiar. We have a 2+ little girl that is the sweetest cutest little darling until we breathe wrong or make some move that just makes her irate. I am not sure what the exact breath or move is that ticks her off because GOD KNOWS that if I did, I would avoid those actions at all cost. During her tantrums she cries for me but when I approach her she kicks at me like a wild bucking horse. She cries for her sippy cup only to find out she wanted so she could throw it at me. Many have said they would never tolerate that behavior, I do not because I walk away. I can not reason with her, I am not going to hurt her, so I have found that I just have to walk away. Her cry eventually changes to the one where I know it is safe to approach…..well that is laughable also because 50% of the time she freaks again upon site of me. I feel each and every one of your pain!
I don’t know if male is allowed to post but I will and see what happens. I guess misery love company. Thank you all for your thoughs and I look forward to learning more about this topic. I came across this discussion b/c I was doing some research about my kid’s (3 year old boy girl twins) tantrums. My daughter can have them at any time but my son usually only has them in the evening as we are trying to get them to go to bed. They will often have themn at the same time for apparentky no reason. I am happy to hear that it may mean increased brain activity b/c they happen a lot. It is like nails on a chalk board to me.
My wife and I differ about how to deal with them. She usually goes in to comfort them but I see that as potentially spoiling them and reenforcing this type of behavior. My method is to hopefully not yell, which I know does not good but I cannot help at the time; I just leave and wait untill they have quited down.
Reading the line about emotional developent certainly backs my wife’s position up but I just cannot help to think this is some method of manipulation and if we do not give it any credence then it will eventually stop.
Uh, any mom who says their child never had a tantrum…has forgot a lot of things..including compassion
As a mother of a speech delayed little guy who did not tantrum until 4.5 because language and emotion are in the same region of the brain….and a speech advanced 3 year old who speaks in paragraphs and tantrums with verve, I can tell you that there is a lot of activity going on…it is draining..tiring, and very difficult..
They are all so unique and have different needs in discipline.
I do ask my daughter to go to her room and often she runs in and wants to tantrum in her room.
I would like to say that talk and listening work..and they do, somedays…so do hugs and loves…some days…
time alone, loss of priviledges, some days..me just distracting myself…other days..but I do not give in on things that are about morals, *kindness, throwing, …mean words (yes, girls with language learn that so much earlier..and we do not use that in our home, hence, transitioning to homeschooling..)..