It’s Okay Not to Love Your Newborn
Before I had my daughter I had a few moms tell me that it is okay if I am not immediately head over heals in love with my newborn. They shared their own experience of how they loved their babies, but they did not automatically have a gushy kind of love for them.
One mom told me how one day when her baby was a few months old she was playing with her baby and it just hit her. She instantly fell in love with her baby. Another mom said that it was a gradual feeling and how it took a few months for that overflowing kind of love to come.
I was very thankful for this advice. I was proud of my baby and I loved her, but I didn’t have that overwhelming kind of love for her when I brought her home. I was wrapped up in recovering from labor, learning how to breastfeed, guests and dinners, and getting sleep. I didn’t really have time to focus on her as my daughter. I was doing what I had to do. I remember I kept saying to myself, “I have a daughter!” Mother’s Day was six days after my baby was born and it still didn’t sink in that I was a mom. Eventually over a few weeks that ushy-gushy, overwhelming love came. I would do anything for her and I really love her.
I think it is important to remember that we aren’t bad moms if we don’t immediately love our newborns. For some moms they are instantly in love with their babies, but not every mom is the same. I was thankful that I was warned because it gave me freedom to not feel condemned for how I was feeling. I knew that the affection for my new baby would eventually come.
Did you have any experience with this?
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This was a nice read b/c although I felt that immediate “love bond” w/ my son, I really didn’t with my daughter (I guess it was b/c I was too busy chasing around aforementioned son). But now I adore her. I can see some of her personality traits coming through, and it’s been so fun watching Julian interact with her.
I had a similar experience. Because I did not get to hold her as soon as she was born, she went to the NICU, I am not sure if that is why I did not form that bond as quickly. It was very surreal for me. I knew the baby I was looking at was my daughter but I was not really able to intact with her in the hospital. She never took to breastfeeding due to her problems so we also did not bond in that way either. So I think it is an important subject matter for other mom’s like me where it did take a while. I think my husband had the whole love when she first entered into the world. He also helped me push and guide her out so I think that really bonded him. I hope my next delivery and baby are easier and we bond sooner that I did with Brielle. But I still love the experience I had and am grateful for it.
She is now my world and I wouldn’t know how I lived without her before.
Wow….this really hit a nerve. It took me some time to feel that strong love bond with Caleb. Caleb was not a planned pregnancy. Finding out I was pregnant left my husband and I completely speechless. He didn’t say anything to me for at least 5 minutes (but it felt like eternity). He refused to believe the pregnancy stick was correct until I got a blood test done at the hospital.
I immediately felt a little anger because I felt the timing was all wrong. I’m a planner by nature, and I had my husband and my life planned out for another year. We loved the freedom of not having kids and being about to travel and do things spontaneously. The thought of it all coming to an end (or so we thought) did not settle well with us.
My pregnancy with Caleb was the worst! The doctor had prescribed me every possible medicated aid to help me with the morning sickness. I nearly had to quit my job because I was lucky to put in 2 days of work a week during first 4 months. I also experienced gestational diabetes, pregnancy-induced hyptertension, then preeclampsia to end the whole ordeal with 41 hours of labor and 4 hours of pushing. I did not enjoy my pregnancy or my labor/delivery as a result. I really believed God was punishing me.
My husband instantly fell in love with our son. The love I felt for Caleb was gradual. Breastfeeding felt like a chore, not a mother/son bonding experience. The first 3 months I felt like the world’s worst mother. How could I not be “in love” with my child? Here I am blessed with my own child while there are couples in the world who can’t have a biological child of their own. It was at the 3 months mark when we found out my husband was leaving in 6 months to deploy to the Middle East. My attitude immediately changed and it hit me how God’s timing is ALWAYS PERFECT! I was humbled big-time and immediately began to feel remorse and guilt for the bitterness I felt from the day I found out I was pregnant. How stupid and idiotic was I to think I was in control of my life!?
I am in awe, head-over-heels in love with my son Caleb. God has blessed me with a very easy, laid-back, smart, and well-mannered child. Thankfully, with my 2nd child my entire experience was opposite. Ava was planned and I loved everything about my pregnancy and especially my delivery. I LOVED her the moment I found out I was pregnant.
Sorry this turned out to be novel. This just opened up a lot of emotions and my fingers just couldn’t stop tapping away at the keyboard.
Thank you ladies for sharing your stories!! It makes everyone who reads them know that they are not alone in their feelings.
@Heidi – Wow! Thank you for sharing your story! It was very encouraging. It is true, God knows best, even when we don’t. I am so happy you had a second chance to experience the excitement of pregnancy! Caleb and Ava is so adorable! I am so happy that I get to watch her Wednesday mornings. I would hold her in my lap the entire time if I could.
My first labor was really bad. I was in post op for 2 hours. I don’t recall necessarily feeling that I didn’t love my newborn, but I was distracted by SO MANY feelings and in a lot of pain, add that to lack of sleep and hormones and It was hard to sit and actually feel the love i had for my little one. It felt more obligatory than anything. Another thing that I needed to do. As I healed and got more rest I was finally able to feel the Love I had for him. Great post.
This was great advice … thankfully you (Amanda) gave it to me before Morgan was born so I didn’t have to deal with feelings of guilt when the love wasn’t immediately there. Now I can’t imagine not being COMPLETELY in love with her!
Adoptive moms feel this way too. It takes a long time to bond with adoptive children, especially if they are older at the time of adoption.
I had my son premature due to severe preeclampsia..He was born via emergency C-section at one of my regular checkups…….I experienced extreme anxiety after having the baby and not getting to see him for 24 hours after giving birth and also when visiting him in the NICU, I would break down just about every time I visited and my blood pressure would sky rocket…I was discharged from the hospital 4 days after giving birth only to be re-admitted the next day due to blood pressure….I experienced feelings of extreme sadness when I saw my son hooked up to all the wires and having to be fed through a feeding tube…..I was soooo excited 2 1/2 weeks later when my son was able to come home…..I had been pretty bitter at having to leave the hospital without him after giving birth…..Much to my surprise after just a few days (maybe a week or so) of having my son home, the initial excitement wore off and occasional feelings of depression would set in………Taking care of my son had become more of an obligation then a joy……..I know that I love my son and I want the best for him, but it has now been 9 weeks and I only feel a bond with my son on occasion…..It comes and goes…………I don’t feel this way all the time, it just hits in spirts (i.e. maybe once or twice every 2 or 3 weeks)…….I know for sure that I do not want anymore children due to my experience……………Has anyone else experienced something like this? Will the bond eventually be here to stay?
I want to second the notion in your post. My wife and I are teaching a class for people with newborns (we have four kids under the age of five (one set of twins) and one more on the way. I always go out of my way to mention your point: gushy feelings may come much later for most people. They sure did for me. Why? Because your child, though a very special person, is just a person, and it nearly always takes time for people to develop special feelings towards one another. The obvious exception to this rule is romantic attraction, but that’s about it. You have to spend time with your baby, and the gushy feelings will develop in some way that’s unique to your relationship. One other thing to keep in mind is that your baby will not give you much in return, except for some smiles and coos. That’s not alot to keep you going, especially if your baby has any health issues.
So, the lesson we’ve learned is to keep your expectations low and that you’ve got to hang in there. The feelings will come later. For now, be content that you are being a good parent by loving your child when they don’t really love you back. That is the highest form of love there is.
Love is something every indivitual needs love…especially babies. There may be reasons that a child was not planned for, careers, selfish plans… or even wanted. But the baby did not ask to be born. Mothers and Fathers better learn to love their babies.. because we already have to many baby and children that are loved and are walking wounded and later can become sociopaths from a lack of love. I say get over it and love these precious gifts from God.
Pastor Ron, please take your comments elsewhere, as you’re missing the whole point. You can’t MAKE yourself or ‘LEARN’ to love something or someone. That’s not what love is. Besides the woman (and men) posting here are talking about the very beginning of their child’s life. You don’t say so, but I imagine you aren’t talking from experience, so I would say mind your own business. I feel for whomever you minister to, as I wouldn’t want you as my pastor.
Very well said Dave!! Thank you.
I too am struggling with my feelings toward my daughter. She is almost 3 weeks old and I do not feel a bond with her yet. I know I love her to some degree b/c I am constantly thinking and worried about her. Maybe that’s it. She does feel more like an obligation or a chore than an enjoyment. She cries a lot & I am blown away by the amount of responsibility it takes to care for her. I feel trapped & scared that it will never get better. I want her to hurry and grow then feel guilty b/c I know when that happens I’ll regret that I didn’t enjoy her at this time. It’s very depressing.
@Melissa – Oh! It does get better. I have had 2 kids and I never liked the newborn stage, so don’t feel guilty about it all. Your little girl will start smiling in the next few weeks and that makes it better. Every baby is different, but she will start sleeping through the night too and that helps.
It is perfectly normal to feel like your baby is a chore right now. You are tired from no sleep and 40 weeks of pregnancy and then delivery! My son is almost 3 months and I am just now feeling like a normal person again.
As for the love – it will come. It took some time with my first baby. It came quicker with my second. One day it is just going to hit you and you will realize how much you love her. It takes time. She is brand new person with her own personality. You both are still getting to know each other.
Don’t worry – the bond will come and things do get easier!!
@Dave – Although I agree with you that Pastor Ron probably missed the point of this discussion, I would disagree with your comment that you can’t “learn” to love someone. Love is many things, but it is also a decision you make. I have known couples from this part of the world that have taken part in arranged marriages, and there were rarely any “feelings of love” (or sometimes even mutual feelings of attraction) at the beginning; their love was something they decided to show one another, and the feelings have come with time.
I have had to learn to love my children, and make a daily decision to love them and show love to them, because honestly, SOME DAYS I DON’T FEEL LIKE IT. Some days are easy, other days, not so much. And in the beginning, when the baby is first born, like Amanda said, there are so many overwhelming feelings swarming around inside of you, it’s hard for some of us to feel bonded to the baby immediately. It’s reassuring to know that it comes with time.
[...] recently commented on an older post of mine titled, “Its Okay Not to Love Your Newborn.” She wrote: I too am struggling with my feelings toward my daughter. She is almost 3 weeks old and I [...]
@Amanda. Thank Amanda for your comments. I so needed to hear them. I have a two week at home and am really struggling with this whole mommy business. I keep wondering if I’ve made a terrible mistake – not that her life is a mistake but…oh, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s tough and I hope it gets better soon. Thank you again for your post and the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
[...] with your new child, no matter how they joined your family, does not always go smooth. Amanda wrote a post sharing her own difficulty in bonding with her [...]
Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I am a first time mom and my daughter is now 3 weeks old. I don’t know if that “love” is there and I am having a hard time letting go of the plans that I had for my life before we found out that we were going to have a baby. It is good to know that i am not a bad mom for not haing a stron bond with her yet. I hope it will come soon. thanks again.
For posterity’s sake, I wanted to point out some things (in case people find this and read it much later). Nobody has said anything about postpartum depression which can explain some of the issues. Women who give birth have just had a pretty traumatic experience and with the healing, the fatigue, the pain, the drugs, the chaos, the hormones, it’s not unreasonable to think that deep emotional bonds are slow to manifest instantaneously. I like the comments that say “Don’t feel obligated to feel guilty.” because it’s true and being a mom is something you get better at (like any job or new skill you acquire) and nobody should expect you to be perfect.