The Mom Crowd

Last week, I wrote a post in response to a reader’s concern about her shy daughter’s difficulty in making friends.  In my preparation, I was amazed by how much I still have to learn about various personality types and how we can almost “typecast” our kids with certain traits.  I think there is a danger in putting our children in some kind of personality box and expecting them to remain that way for most of their lives.  I doubt we want to label our kids.  But I can see myself veering into that territory already.  “Lucy is such a smart, stubborn little girl.”  “Eli likes to be by himself in larger groups.”  If I’m not careful, I will start believing my kids will always be this way, and then I might react unpleasantly if they don’t.  And this would make them feel badly about themselves.

Has anyone ever labeled you?  Are you considered melodramatic, intellectual, athletic, artistic, left-brained, right-brained, nosy, outspoken, introverted, a people-person, etc?  How do those labels make you feel?  Have you ever tried to make changes in yourself only to find that people can’t handle a different behavior coming from you?  (Side note: Do you like those personality quizzes – like Myers-Briggs - that explain all of your behaviors away in a startlingly accurate paragraph?  My husband hates them.  He chafes at being put in a box.  I’ve always said he has a personality that defies most standard definitions.  )   But I digress.

I came across several helpful websites when researching last week about shyness.  I will list those at the end of the post if you are interested in learning more.  But the thing that stood out to me the most in my reading was from Dr. Renee Gilbert’s site, Shake Your Shyness.  In it, she categorized shyness not as a personality trait but a feeling that can come and go, depending on the circumstances.  Dr. Gilbert states:

“You see, shyness viewed as a “feeling” is difficult, but manageable, whereas shyness viewed as an “enduring personality trait” can be overwhelming.  Had I, as a shy child, believed that I had a shy “personality,” I might easily have gotten discouraged and given up.  But because I viewed my shyness as a feeling, as something I could do something about, I always felt there was hope.  I knew that if I could just figure out what to do to fit in and muster the courage to do it, everything would be OK–and it was.”

This spoke to me on many levels.  I was struck by the freedom that comes from thinking a child’s personality characteristics might actually be circumstantial, not permanent.  How many times have you been in situations where you felt shy, even though you can be equally talkative and confident in others?  It depends on the situation – who we’re with, what’s expected of us, and how the environment makes us feel.  The same can be true of our children.

It struck me that it is not good to label our children with an “enduring personality trait” – instead, we must celebrate their strengths on a routine basis and help build their confidence in as many things as we possibly can.

Here are some interesting sites I discovered regarding shyness:

• Shake Your Shyness (my favorite)
• Helping Young Children Overcome Shyness from the University of New England
• Center for Effective Parenting’s page on shyness
• The Shy Child by Hyson & Trieste

What do you think, moms?  Is it easy to put our kids’ personalities in a box?  Do you have any strategies for raising well-rounded children, capable of many different skills and exhibiting many unique moods?

photo courtesy of allspice1

Recently we were contacted by a reader who is in a difficult situation with her shy daughter.  This mom said:

I have a 7 year old girl who is very shy, and she has made a friend this year who is very mean to her.  I try and discourage her from playing with this child, but she says she has no other friends to play with.  This other child is in my Brownie troop, and I have seen the mean behavior.  I have talked to the child but it does no good; she make excuses for why she is mean.  For example:   my daughter ran up to this child to say hello, the child ran away and said “I don’t want to play with you, give me my space.”  I told my daughter to give her her space.  The mother called a couple days later and asked to have my daughter over to play.  When she brought my daughter home she told me how the children were fighting the whole time.  Come to find out, she (the little girl)  was not being nice to my child.  She asked to call me to pick her up, but instead the mother took them out for ice cream…  This can go on and on how this child one day is somewhat nice and the other, downright cruel.  Every day my daughter comes home upset and sad.  I have now refused to have the child play with mine, and my daughter is upset that she cannot play with her.  How to I deal with my child’s feelings altogether???  I wish she was not as shy as she is.   How can I help her?

Oh, this is a toughie.  It is always hard for a parent to see their child(ren) suffer in social situations.  Having taught middle school for several years, I recall seeing unhealthy relational dynamics take their toll on young people time and time again.  I don’t know that I have the solution – but I do have opinions.  Here we go:

• The mean girl, whom I’ll call Dena, seems to enjoy the power trip that having a shy friend gives her.  It appears that she has taken that power too far on a regular basis by lashing out at your daughter, whom I’ll call Sally.  Dena might have a tough time keeping friends, and Sally’s dependence on her gives her more control.  Dena and Sally have an unhealthy friendship.
• If Sally is as shy as you have indicated, she probably hasn’t had that much experience with different friendships.  Friendships come in all shapes and sizes, but they are all usually founded on a mutual respect and enjoyment of the other person.
• It is possible Sally does not want to admit that Dena is a bad friend.  She might be so desperate to keep her for a friend that she’s willing to sacrifice her happiness on a daily basis just to keep this friendship alive.  Does Sally realize that she could do better?
• Shy people tend to keep their true feelings to themselves.  Sally’s submissive nature probably doesn’t help her stand up for herself.  She might even be drawn to Dena’s personality because Dena makes doing things easier: someone is calling the shots for her.  This happens in a lot of relationships: there are leaders, and there are followers.

If I was Sally’s mother, I’d do exactly what you did, and stop having the two play together.  It would be hard at first, but Sally will eventually get over it and find somone else to bond with.  If you are providing enough opportunities for Sally to make new friendships, she should be able to make a new buddy with a little effort.  This is the time of year when Vacation Bible Schools abound in most cities, where children are grouped by grade level and spend five days together doing the same activities.  If that is not a possibility, I would recommend playgroups, clubs, story times, swimming lessons, or anything else that would allow Sally to spend time with other children her age.  As for the Brownie meetings, I’d work to keep the two girls separated as much as possible without drawing too much attention to it.

This is a teachable time for you and Sally.  It is a good opportunity for you to remind her what kinds of qualities we need in a good friend – and that even though she deals with a little initial shyness, she can still choose to spend time with kind children.  Befriending a bully just because one is available is not Sally’s only option.  It is important for your daughter to wrap her head around this idea now, so her future friendships will be healthier.

Next week, I will post about shyness in general, what it is (and isn’t), and how we can help our shy children thrive in social situations.

Hey, Mom Crowd!  Do you have any other input or advice for Sally’s mom?  How do you handle it when your child is routinely upset by his/her friends?

I recently learned that car seats have an expiration date.  I was very surprised to learn this and don’t think I’m the only one who was unaware about car seats expiring.

Car seats deteriorate over time due to heat and general use.  Just as a piece of plastic will become significantly weaker, the more it is handled, exposed to heat, and bent, the plastic on car seats is no different.  Manufactures of car seats now supply consumers with an expiration date to protect children from being in a car seat which is not safe.  Another reason for car seat expiration is the evolution of technology.  Car seats become safer and safer with each new product that is made.  So while your car seat may be the safest there is, in five years it may be weaker than most other car seats.

The car seat expiration date was very hard to find on my car seats.  You can check them online if you cannot find it on the carseat.  If you have a car seat that has expired, it is advised to destroy the car seat so that no one will use it.  This includes cutting the straps and even the plastic so someone won’t try to repair it.

Here is a video which demonstrates what can happen if your child is riding in a car seat which has expired:

Car seat expiration dates fall in a broader category of car seat safety.  Safe car seat practice means you have had your car seat inspected by a certified car seat inspector.  They will check the safety of your seat, whether it is appropriate for your child’s height and weight, teach you how to properly buckle them in, and make sure it is installed in your car correctly.  If you would like to learn more about car seat safety or find a car seat inspector near you, go to this website.

Did you know that car seats expired? Have you had your car seat installation checked by a car seat inspector?

I have heard of many schools here in San Antonio, Austin, and Houston that are closed, because of the swine flu. Are you at home with kids, because their school is closed?

Check out these posts about what to do with your kids while they are at home:

• Entertaining Your Pre-Schooler
• Bringing Outdoor Play Inside
• A Fun Craft or Gift with Magnets, Pictures, and Glass Pebbles
• Making the Most Out of Play Time with Your Baby

Yesterday my friend, Natalie, took her 3 year old son and 8 month old girl to the doctor’s office. They started taking the toys out of the waiting room just as her son was playing with them. When they spoke with the doctor they found out that there had been a confirmed case of Swine Flu in their office that morning. Natalie and her kids have been exposed to the virus.  You should check out Natalie’s husband’s political take on the virus here.

Are you afraid of the virus? Is it really a pandemic if only 50 people in the US are infected? Are you washing your hands more often?

Happy Earth Day!

The purpose of Earth Day is to promote awareness about the environment and to inspire people to join in the cause to take care of our planet.  There are so many ways to be involved in taking care of our planet that sometimes it can be overwhelming.  It is important to remember that we can all do our part, start slowly, then keep building on the changes we DO make to help reverse some of the problems we have created by NOT taking care of our planet.

For this Earth Day, I want to highlight a book called Healthy Child Healthy World by Christopher Gavigan.  Healthy Child Healthy World is an organization founded by parents Nancy and James Chuda, who lost their daughter, Colette, to a rare form of cancer when she was 5 years old.  They felt like her cancer was triggered by environmental factors and started to research how toxic substances and environmental exposures have an impact on children.  With the help of some friends and family, they started the organization to help educate the public and be an advocate for children and their environmental health. Christopher Gavigan is the CEO and executive director of Healthy Child Healthy World and is comitted to helping families make their homes safer for children.

The chapters cover just about every aspect of making your home a safer, cleaner, greener place for you and your children–even beginning with pregnancy and what you can do to help prepare your home for the baby. First and foremost, the way you eat during your pregnancy has a big impact on you and the baby’s health.  Avoiding preservatives and additives like MSG and artificial food coloring are a good first place to start.  In my birth classes we have one whole class dedicated to nutrition during pregnancy.  Good nutrition is important for everyone–especially when you are growing a baby!

Avoiding chemicals, like phthalates, in (some) lotions and other cosmetics can also help protect the baby. The book offers itself as a guide as you think about everything from baby showers to products to put (or avoid) in the nursery. Gavigan offers specific recipes for replacing the harsh, store bought cleaners with safe, homemade cleaners.  Store bought cleaners have chemicals in them that can cause problems like poisoning, respitory difficulites, organ damage, and deteriorating the freshwater supply.

The book offers interesting information about the ingredients in our beauty supplies–it is enough to make you consider replacing some of the products you probably use on a daily basis.

The chapter on Child’s Play is helpful and a great place for new parents with young children.  We have all been awakened to the idea that perhaps not everyone has the best interests of our children at heart after all those recalls of toys with high levels of lead in them.  Choosing toys, clothes, and baby products is most helpful early on–and gets more difficult later on if you are trying to avoid large amounts of plastic toys (that is from my own experience).  We have a lot of toys in our house–many of them plastic. If I could start over I would have a lot LESS plastic, and more long-lasting toys.   The chapter even has some recipes in it for safe art supplies!

Pets, pesticides, and indoor air pollution is also covered in the book.  I was surprised at how easy and simple some of the ideas were for minimizing and eliminating pests in the household without resorting to the more toxic chemical solutions.  I’m telling you, this book covers everything!  The back of the book is filledwith TONS of resources of retailers and organizations to help you along in your journey to making your home safer and greener.

If you are interested in having a resource on hand, this is a good one to have.  As you read through it, remember: “No one can do everything. Everyone can do something.”

What “green” things do you already do at your house?  Have you read this book? Heard of it? What did you think?