The Mom Crowd

I was talking to a friend not too long ago, who was sharing with me some of her difficulties about being a mom.  She recently had a baby and is probably suffering from some postpartum depression. But not in the way you’d necessarily expect.  She doesn’t sit and cry all day long.  She doesn’t feel depressed.  She feels angry–really angry.  Easily frustrated.  Occasional suicidal thoughts. As she was sharing I had flashbacks from my postpartum days after I had my second baby.  I felt the same things.  Sometimes I would feel so full of rage toward my baby that I understood in those moments why some mothers shake their babies or abuse them. When he would cry and cry I had images of throwing him across the room.  And then I would snap back into reality and feel like the worst mother of the world.  I had suicidal thoughts–I wanted to escape from my reality at the time.  I took most of my anger out on my husband. I remember one day when he walked in the door 3 minutes (that’s right, 3 minutes) late from work and I laid into him like he had been gone all night.  So much for “Hi dear, I’m glad you are home.”   I was so upset that if I had lasers in my eyes I would have burned a hole in his chest.  Something wasn’t quite right in my head to respond so viciously.  I would get so mad for little things and it was hard on our marriage.  I think it was must of been God’s hand on my heart that kept me from doing anything that would harm myself or my children or in some instances, my husband.

We recovered and looking back, I wish I had talked to a professional about how I was feeling.  I might have asked for more help–but at the time I didn’t know WHAT would help. Even when our third baby was younger and he would fight going to sleep, I would feel those feelings of rage and would put him on my shoulder to pat his back.  Sometimes I would pat it hard enough that I could tell that my anger was getting the better part of me and I would slow down and take some deep breaths.

Sometimes postpartum depression masks itself in different ways. I think that mothers are afraid to talk about how angry they sometimes feel toward their children.  No one wants to be the mom who yells at her kids, spanks in anger, shakes her baby, slams doors, feels like she hates her husband.  I think moms feel ashamed if they struggle with these things and don’t want to tell their friends because they are afraid of being judged.  So they struggle alone–maybe they have a faith to fall on–maybe not.  Maybe they suffer alone because they feel like they have to hide their feelings.   If you are out there and reading this, and you too have struggled (or currently are) with postpartum depression that included fierce anger toward your children or your spouse –I just want you to know that you are not alone.  There are others of us out there who have been through it.

Things that might help:

• Make an appointment with a counselor
• Get an appointment to talk with your medical provider (midwife, family doc, ob etc.) and talk about your options
• Talk to a trusted friend about how you are feeling (even if you are not one to share about your deeply personal struggles)
• Talk to a pastor/clergy, Stephen minister, prayer group and have them pray with you
• Ask your friends/family to help.  Yes, it is hard.  But it might make your life a little easier
• Ask your spouse for some regular free time away from the house (even just one or two a week)

How can your friends help?

• Bring a meal
• Come for a play date
• Come and hold your baby while you do chores or cook dinner
• Come and hang out with your baby while you take a nap
• Have someone go out for the “I’m out of bread and milk” grocery run for you
• Watch the baby/kids while you go to your doctor/counseling/clergy appointment

Oxytocin is one of three major hormones (endorphins and adrenaline are the other two) that your body produces when you are in labor.  Oxytocin is responsible for producing contractions in the uterus which in turn dilates and thins the cervix so the baby can pass through.  Your body also releases oxytocin when your baby is nursing and when you have an orgasm.  Our bodies also releases it when we fall in love or when we develop close relationships with friends.  That is why it is knows as the “love hormone”.When a mother labors and her body produces oxytocin, it prepares her to bond with her child since the hormone is related to our emotions.When you receive artificial oxytocin, known as pitocin,  during labor it causes stronger contractions that are closer together. It also bypasses the blood-brain barrier and does not contribute to the release of natural oxytocin the body produces.  It takes away from the benefits of natural oxytocin and hinders the emotional benefits.  So you get much more pain without any love.Because of the intensity of the contractions the use of artificial oxytocin in labor for induction or augmentation usually leads to an epidural.  Some hospitals and healthcare practitioners will use the epidural as an opprtunity to increase the levels of pitocin being released so the labor will be faster.  Unfortunately, the use of pitocin for labor induction is overused and some laboring mothers are not aware of the risks of the drug.  Risks include: high use of pitocin can stress the baby which in turn leads to a cesarean birth, can tire out the uterus and lead to a hemmorhage, a much more painful labor, longer labors, restricted movement due to more monitors/machines being hooked up to the body (including internal fetal monitor which increases the risk of infection) and the list goes on. There are a few medical conditions where the benefits outweigh the risks of induction; severe high blood pressure (known as pre-eclampsia), kidney disease, proven post dates with danger to the baby, and severe blood incompatibility between the mother and the baby.If you are pregnant or planning on having another baby, I thought that this information might be helpful to you.  Induction for inductions sake (no medical reason) allows for a missed opportunity for you to experience all the wonder-love feelings that natural oxytocin produces.  And who would turn down a little extra love?So, tell me what youthink! I want to hear your responses!

Last week, our family had several days with no plans.  Pre-school was out due to fall break.  Playgroup fell through.  By Friday, the kids & I were going a bit crazy.  So I did what I don’t normally do: I packed them up for an outing, just the 3 of us.  After about 90 minutes, we were back home, and I said, “That’s why I don’t go out alone with the kids.”  At the time, I felt totally justified in this.  I mean, come on: my kids are 2 & 1.  The park is a big place, the slides are fast & scary, the threat of injuries & falls is ever-present.  I was exhausted chasing them both around.  My daughter walked right into my son’s moving swing and got cold-cocked in the face.  Cue the crying in pain.  Not ten minutes later, she had a major face-plant on the ground when trying to climb into her carseat (big ole bump & bruise to prove it).  More distress followed.  To cheer Lucy up, I took them to the library for fall craft day “for a quick minute”.  It was fun, but difficult, as many of you can attest, to help Lucy use a glue stick with my squirmy son on my lap.  (I gave him what I hope was a non-toxic marker and let him go to town on his hands.)

But after hearing what some of my friends have been up to lately (or reading their Facebook statuses, rather), I realized I am pretty much a lazy wuss.

Enter Sharon, Jenny, and Amy, my three new heroes.  Sharon lives in Israel with her family as missionaries, and she came back to the States for an extended visit while hubby remains overseas in seminary.  Jenny is traveling from San Antonio to Pittsburgh over the course of two weeks, visiting friends, with her two children in tow.  Oh, and she’s pregnant.  Amy is headed to Arizona with her family for a job relocation.  Her fourth child was born just months ago.  When they commented on their amazing itineraries, I had to ask them a few things… just in case I’m ever daring enough to venture out with my children past a five-mile radius.

Let’s start with the basic details: how many kids do you have, what are their ages, and were you traveling with your spouse? 

Sharon: I have two children, ages 4 and 1.  Although we’ve done this flight many times, this was the first one without hubby along to help.  

Jenny: I have two kids, 4 and 1, and one on the way.  No, my husband is not traveling with us on the way up; he’ll actually meet us in eastern PA (where he’s traveling solo for work) and drive home with us.

Amy: I have four children, ages 6, 4, 2 1/2 and 3 months!  Yes, I was with my husband!  (I tried a trip once with the 3 kids while I was pregnant – it was a nightmare!)

How far did you travel/are you traveling? 

Sharon: We traveled over seven THOUSAND miles!

Jenny: We will have driven over 1,700 miles when we meet up with my husband and head back home.

Amy: We are in the middle of driving from Virginia to Arizona (it’s about four days). [Editor's note: Virginia to Arizona is roughly 2,185 miles.]

What was/were the primary mode(s) of transportation?

Sharon: We flew from Israel to Houston (with a stopover in Germany), then drove from Houston to San Antonio.  Lufthansa is awesome by the way; best airline coffee I’ve ever had! 

Jenny: 2001 Honda Odyssey!

Amy: All 6 of us are riding in the comfort of our 2001 Mazda MPV (I’m pretty sure it’s the smallest mini-van out there). 

What were your worries going into this time of travel?  What steps did you take to alleviate your anxiety?

Sharon: My primary concern was keeping the kids occupied on the longer flight (10 1/2 hours in an airplane is a long time!).  I was also worried about my son wandering off in the airport (which he has done before).  So, I drilled into my son the importance of staying next to mommy and helping me take care of his baby sister.  He did beautifully!  And I tried to pack a lot of things to keep the kids entertained.  The airlines provided a pack of cards for my son, so we got to play MANY games of Go Fish.  The baby was a little bit harder.  She basically took a lot of cat naps, and I would take her to the back of the plane to crawl around when she got bored in her seat. 

Jenny: Mostly I was concerned about the kids’ antsiness and impatience during the longer stretches in the car.  So I just really made sure that we had a variety of activities to keep them busy.  We brought crayons, coloring books, dolls, books, cds, and toys.  And when all of that didn’t work, it was time to use the dvd player (and I didn’t feel one bit guilty!).  I also made sure I listened to them, and when it seemed like things were getting to be too much, we took breaks to run around and play. 

Amy: One of my biggest worries was having to travel with sick kids.  That was one reason why my last trip with the kids alone went so badly.  Two weeks before leaving, I made everyone wash their hands 50 times a day, take their vitamins, I prayed daily about it, and I wouldn’t let anyone who seemed sick near them!  Two days before we left, my 4-year old ended up with a fever and a sore throat.  Ugh!  We hit the road while “praying without ceasing” for our sick, whiny little girl.  A few hours into the trip, she perked up and was fine!  Praise God! 

Any close calls or major stress-filled moments?

Sharon: Just exhaustion.  I probably slept about two hours during a 24-hour period.  Oh, and we almost missed our plane in Germany!  Fortunately, that flight was delayed, so we made it without a problem. 

Jenny: It’s always hard to mediate a fight or change a dvd while driving, so there were a few near-misses where I had to swerve back into my own lane!

Amy: None whatsoever, unless you count getting stuck in traffic for 30 minutes in Jackson, MS, while having to pee!  I was seriously thinking about grabbing a diaper! 

What got you through the journey?

Sharon: Knowing that it was temporary. 

Jenny: Knowing that at the end of the trip, I get to see my best friends.

Amy: God did.   Admittedly, we did use the dvd player a few times.  We also had little gifts from a friend to open throughout the day.  Each gift was a little activity the kids could do to occupy them for a short time.  I also brought my manual breast pump so I could bottle-feed the baby in the car.  That way we only had to stop for food and potty breaks. 

Would you do it again?

Sharon: Well, I kind of need to, since I’ll be flying home with them in December.  But, after that… I’m waiting until they’re a little bit older! 

Jenny:  I’m only halfway through, but it’s definitely been worth it.  So that’s a yes.

Amy: Umm, not unless I had to!  It’s tough, but we do bond as a family and it’s great seeing the sights of our great country as we drive to our new home.  Maybe we’ll do it again after we buy our RV - ha ha! 

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So I’ll officially shut up now about how it’s so much work to take the kids to the park or store by myself.   

What are your travel stories?  How have you survived long-distance flights or road trips with young children?  Is the Mazda MPV the smallest mini-van out there?

Many of us don’t have time to read the paper or watch the news. (Most of it is fear-mongering anyway, but that is an entirely different story.) So I am sharing some headlines that have been in the news lately that may be of interest of interest to us moms. Starting off with one of my most favorite foods on the planet, cereal. Seriously, do you remember that episode of Seinfeld with Janeane Garofalo where she even orders cereal at a restaurant and eats it for lunch? I am close to loving cereal that much.

• Consumer Reports Rates 27 Different Kids Cereal – Based on the cereal’s fiber, sugar, calories, and nutritional content in a serving the top four cereals are plain Cheerios, Kix, Life, and Honey Nut Cheerios (yay!). The worst cereals are Post’s Golden Crisp and Kellogg’s Honey Smacks, Apple Jacks, Fruit Loops, Cap’n Crunch, and Pops. You have to be a member of Consumer Reports to get the full report, but WebMD does a good job summarizes the report.

• New Blood Tests During Early Pregnancy for Down syndrome – Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences came out with a report yesterday from a few doctors who are testing the pregnant mother’s blood, because some of the fetus’ blood ends up in the mother’s blood. They are looking for extra chromosomes usually found in Down syndrome, Edward syndrome, Patau syndrome. They are hoping that their findings will help women be tested as early as 5 weeks and lessen the need for more invasive tests that could lead to miscarriages. For me, I can see the need for this, but it doesn’t effect me. I just recently turned down all those tests in my own pregnancy. I am going to have the baby either way. My fear is that almost 9o% of women diagnosed with a fetus with Down syndrome abort the baby. When they do get the DS confirmation and abort, the baby is pretty far along. So if this test does become common and women find out at 5 weeks that their baby has Down syndrome will the abortion rate rise or fall?

• Letting Your Newborn Sleep With a Fan On May Reduce the Risk of SIDS – According to the report, “Young infants who sleep in bedrooms with fans have a lower risk of sudden infant death syndrome than babies who sleep in less well-ventilated rooms, new research shows. Investigators concluded that sleeping with a fan lowers SIDS risk by more than 70%.” The article says that a fan is not a substitute for placing them on their backs. The reports are interesting, because I know SIDS was a fear of mine and I am up for anything I can do reduce the risk. I am not sure I will be militant about this for my next little one, but it is something to consider.

• More Controversy over Cough and Cold Meds for Children – We have already covered previous FDA findings here and here. Now the New York Times is reporting, “manufacturers of pediatric cough and cold medicines announced Tuesday that they would voluntarily change their products’ labels to say that they should not be used in children under the age of 4.” The FDA is considering taking some cough and cold medications off the shelves and making them available by prescription. However, none of this would actually take place for a few years if it did happen. The FDA also fears that adults will then give their children medication meant for adults instead and over medicating them. My daughter is still under 2, so I haven’t used any of them on her. I am more of a Tylenol and home remedy kind of mom.

What is your favorite cereal? Would you start using a fan now for reduce the risk of SIDS? Has the news about cough and cold medications changed your mind about using them? Or do you find that they work?

One of our readers recently sent us this question about sending her son for an overnight stay with his father.

Hi, I wonder if anyone can give me any advice. I separated from my son’s father when I was in early pregnancy. He has had a little contact with him, one visit once a week sometimes once a fortnight. He is now asking for my son to stay with him every other weekend. Naturally at the moment I am planning on telling him that he needs to get more used to his father being around before I can even consider it but I’m probably being really selfish and I don’t want him to go to stay there at all. I don’t think his father will be able to cope and he lives an hour or so away. I’m petrified something bad will happen. Can anyone relieve my fears and give me advice on how to deal with it and how to get my son used to his father being around? I just don’t know what to say.

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Here is my sister-in-law’s, Denise, response to the question. I asked Denise to write up a response, because I know that she has been in that same situation. I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of fears I would have sending my little one off and establishing a new kind of relationship.

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When my ex-husband decided he wanted a divorce I was shocked. My first reaction was that he would never see our daughter again. That was obviously not a rational thought. Whatever happened between us she was still ‘our’ child, he had not done anything illegal, and he wanted to be in her life.

Our split happened when she was 2 1/2. She was not ready for an overnight visit at that age. It began with him taking her for 6 hour visits at a time, usually on Saturdays. The next step was a one night visit. Progressively we made it to a Friday-Sunday visit.

Before any of that could happen he and I sat down to discuss ground rules beyond the divorce decree. Things like where and when he would pick her up and drop her off.  I wanted consistency.
The one thing that helped me get through all of this has been remembering that she is not just my child. Even thought he had wronged me, I couldn’t penalize our daughter for. She needed/wanted to see her father on a regular basis. When we sat down I asked him to make the decision to either be in her life or not. I told him he couldn’t do it half way, that would not be fair to her. Another important issue was where he stayed, it needed to be kid friendly and safe.

After all of that was settled and she went with him for the first time I had to deal with my emotions. The first few times I was terrified, I cried, and I let my imagination get away from me. What I did the next time was plan things for myself, things that kept my mind busy.
All of this seems to have worked. I have nothing more than a working relationship with her father but she is a well adjusted teenager now. She knows that things did not work out between us  but she also knows that both of us lover her fully.

Things have not always been perfect between her father and I. There were many time when we had discussions abot her care but they were just discussions. We made sure not to have them in front of her. I worked very hard not to let my personal feelings for him get in the way.
I know that this answer is long winded and may not fit your personal situation perfectly but hopefully you can take something away that will help you!

Have any of you been in this situation? How did you handle it?