The Mom Crowd

Our family cannot leave the house without at least two people wanting to know if my 4 year old and 2 year old are twins.  While my children are separated by 2 years and 3 months, because my oldest has Down syndrome, they are about the same size and are at about the same level in many developmental areas.  My youngest child learned how to walk six months after my firstborn learned how to walk and we have been in “twin mode” ever since.  It’s been exhausting and rewarding all at the same time! There is a constant pursuit among mothers of all races, religions, cultures, and backgrounds to find the magical interval between pregnancies.

“Baby Bunching” seems to be a growing trend among mothers.  “Baby Bunching” is a term two mothers have coined to describe siblings who are less than two years apart.  Linda and Cara have a blog devoted to mothers of “twiblings.”   Their blog contains articles that address the experiences of parenting children who are very close in age.  While my children are a few months out of the spacing requirements of “official baby bunchers,”I can most certainly appreciate the challenges, rewards, and unique chaos that baby bunchers experience due to my children being developmentally very close to each other, even though their chronological age is over two years.

Some of the benefits of having children who are close developmentally I have found is you get the pregnancy and newborn stages over and behind you in one swoop.  Not that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancies, but there are some things I don’t want to do forever!  Another advantage to having “twiblings” is our children play with the same toys and have the same interests.  We never had to hide our older child’s choking hazard toys from our curious crawler.  In our house everyone still naps {or at least goes to their room for an hour for quiet time}.  My firstborn was so easy going, that the transition from one to two children was really easy.  Our first child adjusted so well to her new brother, and I believe that in part is because she was younger.  One of my favorite things about having children close in age is their love for each other.  It is becoming more difficult to distinguish who has the dominant role in their relationship and they have a two sided adoration for each other at a very young age.

Some of the challenges I have found in having children so close in age is the toddler stage is tough all the way around!  Both of my children are constantly going  in separate directions.  If nap time/quiet time gets skipped, I have TWO incredibly angry toddlers who I cannot yet bribe with McDonalds.  I have to do everything twice, many times each day…change two diapers, make sure two children make it safely up and down the stairs, clean up two messes of everything, work on potty training with two children at a time, etc… I pray to God imagine that the toddler stage is probably one of the hardest in baby bunching.  There are moments when I daydream about adopting a seven year old girl to help me with my little “twiblings!”  It may be an illusion, but it seems like my friends who have spaced their children a few years apart have an easier time doing simple things like grocery shop and go on trips to the park.  However, it may just be my cynacism that has evolved from having two toddlers.

What are some other opinions on child spacing?

• Dr. Sears said it best when he said, “There is seldom the ideal time for a child. If we always waited for ‘the perfect time’ to have a child, we would probably have two instead of eight.”  He recommends spacing them two or three years apart if you have a baby who is a high needs baby in an effort to avoid parent burn out and to give parents more energy to devote to that more demanding child.  However, if you have an easy infant, spacing them very close in age typically works great, according to Dr. Sears!
• The New England Journal of Medicine believes that spacing children 18-23 months has the healthiest outcomes for both mom and baby.  Low birthweight, prematurity, and small sized babies are higher risks in children spaced less than 18 months and more than 23 months apart.
• Some argue that having children three years apart is the magical child spacing number.  They say that the older child is old enough to understand more about their new sibling’s arrival, yet they are close enough in age to grow up playing together.

While it’s fun to weigh pros and cons of different child spacing philosophies, I think this is such a personal decision for each family and what works for some families doesn’t always work for all families.  Also, there are outside factors parents should consider before choosing to have another child; most importantly, the health of their relationship with one another.

What do you think is the magic child spacing age difference?  What have you liked about the spacing between your children?  What has been challenging about their age differences?

I sometimes want to wear a shirt that says, “I am due St. Patrick’s Day, I don’t know the gender, and I feel fine!” I get asked those three questions to those answers all the time. Many people ask me “Do you know what your are having?” In fact we did not find out the gender of our first baby and we have not found out the gender of our second one either. Everyone has their own reasons for revealing the gender in the Ultrasound Room or the Delivery Room. Here are a few reasons why we chose to wait. (I would love to hear your reasons for finding out before the baby comes in comments!)

• A fear that the sonogram results would be wrong. I didn’t want to have to return a bunch of items or paint the nursery the wrong color.  (This can be a real fear, check the Barefoot Foodie’s recent post for proof!)

• For practicality – I like that my nursery and newborn clothes are gender neutral, so I can re-use everything for the second child.  Also, because people didn’t know what we were having we received gift cards and diapers instead of dresses and outfits.

• Labor and delivery was more exciting, because we didn’t know what we were having. It was also more exciting to share the baby news, because they didn’t know either.

• The fear of disappointment if the sonogram was wrong and that it would somehow affect my baby’s spirit. For my first pregnancy I felt like my instincts were telling me that I was having a boy and out came this baby girl. I think my disappointment lasted about 3 seconds and my daughter hasn’t been affected by my preggy thoughts of a boy.

• Part of the fun was making others wait. It tortured my mother. She was constantly telling me “Surely, you can see on the sonogram. The Tech knew.” Others would accuse of us knowing and not telling anyone. My husband and I can’t keep a secret. If we knew, everyone else would definitely know.

Waiting to find out the gender worked out well for us. After my daughter came into the world, the pink and purple just flowed in from family and friends. We were glad we waited and we are super excited to find out if our daughter has a brother or sister in about 9 weeks.

Did you find out the gender of your baby? Did you have any fears that the sonogram would be wrong? Was it your spouse that couldn’t wait to find out? 

All the moms I know love it when their babies nap. When babies get out of that newborn stage where they sleep anywhere and everywhere sometimes napping gets a little more challenging. Once the baby is a few months old and mommy has to go back to work, take care of other kids at home, actually get some cleaning and laundry done….you know what I am saying– it is wonderful when the baby sleeps for a good long chunk during the day so some of those things can get done. It is so relieving for many moms when babies learn to nap in their bed, on the floor, in a stroller, in a car seat…..point being when the baby doesn’t have to be held every time he needs to sleep. Some babies just don’t transition from that newborn “I’m going to be such a laid back, easy sleeping baby” to napping on their own very well.

Have you ever rocked and rocked your baby to sleep only to have him wake up 20 minutes after you lay him down? Do you get stressed out if your baby fusses or cries before falling asleep? Would you prefer to help your baby nap well without letting him cry? Do you wonder why your baby can only sleep for 45 minutes during a nap? Have you ever wondered when your baby needs to drop a nap? Will your baby only go to sleep if you nurse him to sleep? Does your baby/toddler have a hard time napping in general? Do you struggle with having a consistent bedtime/naptime routine? Do you wonder how much sleep your baby/toddler/preschooler needs over a 24 hour period? Do you feel like you’ve tried everything and you still need help getting your child to nap?

If you answered YES to any (or all!) of these questions, then you will probably enjoy The No-Cry Nap Solution. Especially if you are fond of gentle, gradual change that includes as little crying from the baby as possible. I found this book very easy to read and it truly did address many problems that parents face when it comes to children and napping. Elizabeth Pantley offers several step-by-step guides in her book and is very gentle in her approach to getting children into a good napping routine. Her approach is compassionate and also practical.

When I got the book in the mail, I first skimmed it to see what she had to say about situations that I am currently facing with 2 of my children. My youngest (16 months) still takes 2 naps a day and I am ready for him to go down to one. I wanted to see what she had to say about dropping the morning nap. She has a list of criteria to help you determine if your baby still needs 2 naps. After reading her list (very helpful!), I determined that Graham isn’t ready to drop his morning nap. Then I skimmed the chapter on how to know if your child is ready to drop naps all together. Again, very helpful–and she had a GREAT section on how to create a good “hush hour” for your non-napping children. She had some sample daily sleep/nap/activity schedules to help guide you as you create healthy sleep routines for your kids. Again, very helpful.

Then I read the book from the beginning. She covers why naps are vital for a child’s development (and a parent’s sanity), she has a nap plan worksheet to help you decide what steps to take next, and is very encouraging to keep trying while figuring it all out. This book is a good choice to read even for parents who want to help prevent sleep problems with their newborn baby. She offers several suggestions for parents to start practicing right from the beginning.

I have been a big fan of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, since I read it 5 years ago. I found that The No Cry Nap Solution has very similar theories and ideas as Healthy Sleep Habits. The No Cry Nap Solution is much more practical and easy to read than Healthy Sleep Habits. For parents who tend to have more of an “attachment parenting” style I think The No Cry Nap Solution is a GREAT choice. Even parents who are in more of the “BabyWise” or “don’t mind if your babies learn how to soothe themselves to sleep” camp will appreciate all the suggestions and information the book offers. I found that Pantley is more comfortable with allowing a baby to nap in a swing, stroller, bouncy seat, car ride (motion sleep) than I am. In the early newborn stage when babies fall asleep so easily, motion sleep makes sense because that is what babies are used to. I found from my own experience that swing naps or car naps were not as restorative as when my kids slept in their own beds. Pantley is much more gradual in her approach (than I have been) to getting kids to sleep in their beds rather than a swing or moving stroller during naptime. To Pantley’s credit, she does have a clear plan/outline for parents on how to switch from a motion nap to a motionless nap. It just takes longer than the Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child way.

I enjoyed reading this book and give it a thumb’s up review. If you have read any of Elizabeth Pantley’s other books and enjoyed them, then no doubt you will enjoy this one as well.

For discussion: What nap problems are you dealing with right now? Let’s comiserate together!

When my husband and I were childless we didn’t not understand what life was like for our friends who had kids. We sometimes wondered why my sister-in-law would leave early from a family dinner so her kids wouldn’t miss their eight o’clock bedtime. We didn’t understand why one night would be such a big deal.

We also had grand illusions of how we would be different as parents. We dreamt of getting sitters often and going anywhere at anytime with our kids. Then reality hit us  with our first baby.

Now that we are parents we certainly have a greater understanding of what it means to parent and we have a lot more grace for other parents.

Here are ten things that we just didn’t understand before our little one came along.

1. Bedtimes and nap schedules are important to keep kids and parents happy.

2. Getting a babysitter is a big deal and expensive.

3. A night out with adult conversation is a treat.

4. How difficult it is to get a great photo of your child.

5. Not feeding kids sugar is important, because it really does make them hyper.

6. You just can’t go anywhere at anytime when you want, no matter how flexible your kids are.

7. Kids don’t always behave as you want them to in public places.

8. It really does take a long time just to get out the door.

9. Don’t assume that a child’s misbehavior is a result of lack of discipline.  Most of the time parents really are trying their best and the kid is just acting their age.

10. Mother’s Day Out and other programs like it are very awesome.

Did you have grand illusions of what parenting would be like before kids? Were there things that you didn’t understand about your friends with kids, but you get now that you are a parent?

As we are knee-deep in the holiday season, I am realizing something kinda important: Lucy has learned who Santa Claus is.  (She’ll be three in a couple of months.)  When we were decorating our tree a week ago, she said, “That’s Santa!”  We think she picked up on it from an episode of “Dora the Explorer”.  She is no longer an oblivious baby with no need to know about Santa one way or another.   We’re now faced with the question:  What do we teach her about Santa?  People are always asking us at Christmastime if we “do Santa” with our kids, especially friends and people we know from our church.  Apparently, it’s a tradition still embraced by most of the church-going folks in my own community.

[Until now, I think my husband & I just looked at this issue with a mixture of ambivalence and laziness.  The older we get, the wearier we become with the whole commercial Christmas machine.  It just seems somewhat insignificant in light of our world's greater troubles: the poor, the homeless, the sick, the dying, the starving, the oppressed - the people who live on next to nothing and struggle just to survive.  I hate to be Debbie Downer and all, but the more I learn, the less I care about presents or Santa.  My husband and I have pretty much decided not to give each other anything this year - we don't need more stuff - and donate our Christmas gift budget to a bigger cause.  We did buy small gifts for Lucy and Eli.

I grew up with the magic of Christmas - I think I learned the truth about the jolly fat fellow when I was about nine years old.  I loved Christmas season for the magic it brought with it, especially the gifts.  As a child, the presents are all that matter!  And well into my twenties, I tried to preserve that magic with gift giving galore.  After awhile, though, I realized it was quite a job to shop for people who already have everything they need (or who can go buy what they want any other day of the year).]

But back to the question at hand: what and how do we teach our kids about this time-honored tradition of Santa Claus, Rudolph, and the naughty & nice list?  Ultimately, it is a matter to be decided by each parent or set of parents.  My husband and I need to sit down and decide how much we want our kids to believe, and how much we want to make it about God and the world and its brokenness, about Jesus’ birth and the Giant Rescue Plan God created to bring mankind back to Him.  We also need to agree on how we’ll show the spirit of Christmas to our children – if we make it all about ourselves, the cookies, the parties, the fun, or if we balance it with a concern and compassion for others in need.  (We don’t have it figured out yet, believe me.)

Then we have to figure out how to raise our kids in a culture that preserves and celebrates this annual tradition.  No, I don’t want to be the “mean family” who spoils it for all of the other kids – I would hope we’d show our kids how to have discernment and keep certain things to themselves.  But kids will be kids – they are more honest than anyone.  I really can’t help it if my child wants to share something true with another child, especially if it’s an accident or in total innocence.  It’s not my goal to correct the thinking of other children or to throw another family’s Christmas tradition under the bus.  I’d rather our family be known for its commitment to serving others and being a light in the darkness.  And I have a feeling we’ll be learning what that looks like through a lot of trial and error in the Christmases to come.

I recently read a couple of other articles on this topic, and was somewhat stunned by the extreme points of view people have about the tradition of Santa, especially when I hold them up to my own.  “To each his own” I read a few times on comment boards, and I have to agree.  Read at your own risk, and then decide for yourself whether or not it’s worth your precious time and energy to jump in on an argument that will ultimately lead nowhere.  I say, let’s channel that energy into helping someone in need this season.

• I Refuse To Let My Kid Believe In Santa from the Momlogic Community
• Emily’s next-day response, also at Momlogic
• Should Kids Believe In Santa Claus? from Kaboose
• What a Family Therapist Says from Kaboose

Here at The Mom Crowd, we’d love for you to weigh in on the Santa tradition – I just humbly ask that we be nice to each other as we share our ideas and strategies.  So let’s hear it: To what degree is Santa important in your family’s Christmas tradition?  Are you annoyed with parents who don’t teach their kids about Santa?  Are you annoyed with parents who do?  Like me, are you somewhere in the middle?  Is it possible to teach our kids how to keep a secret in order to protect another child’s innocence?  Is it possible to teach our kids to be passionate about social justice and compassion for others as much as they care about gifts under the tree?