The Mom Crowd

Three weeks after my son Eli was born (via c-section), our family moved from Virginia to Alabama. Our daughter Lucy was 18 months old at that time. My husband got a new and better youth pastor job, which is why we transplanted ourselves. (We got the job about a month before Eli was born, so we basically waited till after the birth to make the big change.) We were excited and thankful for this, but boy, was it interesting. While we were preparing for Eli’s birth, we were also tying up loose ends, packing everything up, and saying goodbye to good friends.

After all the “new arrival” hoopla faded away here, I suddenly found myself in my new living room, stuck on the couch, nursing my new infant son while helping my toddler get acclimated to her new surroundings. I was alone. I was hormonal. And I was lonesome. No family or friends for hundreds of miles.

I’m a big people-person, so I knew I needed to find community immediately. We were already in a great church (by default!), so I started there. I joined a Friday morning ladies’ Bible study that provided child care. That was twice a month. (Two mornings down, 28 other mornings-per-month to go, I thought.) I attended church every week with my family, and I taught the middle school girls’ class on Wednesday nights. I felt I was doing everything I knew to do to make friends. But it wasn’t happening quickly enough for me. Plus, I really was trapped in the house with my tiny boy! It wasn’t so easy to take both babies out for activities in those first few months. I was pretty much down to asking people to come over and hang out with me and the kids. Some people did (and I am so grateful!), but it felt funny asking brand-new acquaintances to come over, you know? (“Hi, I’m Dawn. Can you come over tomorrow?” – yeah, a little weird.)

I emailed my good friend Laurie back in Virginia and asked for prayer. She encouraged me but gently reminded me that for some people, finding that they “fit in” to a new place takes sometimes up to a year! Yikes. I was only in month two. I was desperate for cameraderie – good friends – more than just a small-talk conversation with people I had just met. It was time to dig deeper. And I was in crisis mode.

I discovered a support ministry at my church that I decided to take advantage of. It’s called Stephen Ministry. Basically, I was matched with a “mentor” who would meet with me as often as I wanted and would just listen and support me through my season of hardship. So for six months, I met once a week with a woman 25 years older than me, and wow, did it help. Not only did we become friends, I had a standing weekly appointment in my calendar to look forward to. (When you have NOTHING in the datebook, that really means something!) My time with my Stephen minister completely encouraged me and helped me through my tough, lonely season.

Gradually, my acquaintances became friends. I found a few other moms who were free on Thursday mornings and started a playgroup. Wow! Another thing to look forward to each week! We rotate whose house we meet at each time, so once a month, I host my friends and their kids for a simple time of play while we moms try to talk. The moms and I have started going out for girls’ nights every few months or so for dinner & a movie, too (while dads stay with the kids). So much fun!

And throughout all of this, my Eli turned from an infant into a crawling tyke, while my Lucy turned straight-up preschooler (once a week, anyway). I am becoming more acclimated to my new hometown, more a “part of” things, and less lonely. Sometimes I may have seemed desperate to folks, but that’s because I was. I got tired of waiting on things to happen and realized I needed to make them happen myself. I lost the sense of embarrassment in openly asking people to be my friend. And it was worth it.

There’s no getting around it: moms who are new in town need friendships in order to make it. If you have lived in the same place for awhile, be sure to take notice of the new folks in town, and reach out to them. If you are in the same boat that I was, give me a call! don’t be afraid to tell people what you need. Here are other things I’ve done or that have been suggested to me; things that are fairly obvious but may be something you need to read today:

* Invite people over to your home for coffee, lemonade, cookies, muffins, what-have-you.

* Find other available moms and make your own playgroup!

* Attend activities at your house of worship.

* Find out if there is a local Mom’s Club to join. I have seen their activities calendars and they are packed!

* Take a class at the YMCA, or join Stroller Strides.

* Hang out with your neighbors.

* Let the kids play with the stuff at Barnes & Noble Jr. I can’t believe how many other families hang out there on Friday nights. My husband even made a new friend in another dad there!

* Initiate conversation with other moms at the park or mall play area.

* Bring the kids to story time at the library. It’s free and it’s air-conditioned!

* Check in with The Mom Crowd (and other mom forums) every day for encouragement. (cough*shameless plug*cough)

What about you? If you’ve recently moved, how did you survive the initial transition phase? Which of these things have you tried and enjoyed? What else can go on the list? What experiences can you share with us? (Also, I know some of our TMC readers are internationally-based. How do you cope with this?)

Tara Parker-Pope reports today in the The New York Times about a study from Oxford and the University of Exeter in England that claims that a baby’s gender may be determined by the mother’s diet. According to the study those mothers who have a higher glucose level have a better chance of having a son. Generally, women who eat breakfast maintain a higher glucose level.

The data is based on a study of 740 first-time pregnant mothers in Britain who didn’t know the sex of their fetus. They provided records of their eating habits before and during the early stages of pregnancy, and researchers analyzed the data based on estimated calorie intake at the time of conception. Among women who ate the most, 56 percent had sons, compared with 45 percent among women who ate the least. As well as consuming more calories, women who had sons were more likely to have eaten a higher quantity and wider range of nutrients, including potassium, calcium and vitamins C, E and B12. There was also a strong correlation between women eating breakfast cereals and producing sons.

The study does acknowledge that a baby’s gender is determined by the male sperm with an X or Y chromosome, but the condition of the mom may have an influence.

Frankly, I find this as silly as people telling me that I was having a boy, because I was carrying high. (I actually had a girl.) Although, maybe next time I am trying to conceive I won’t feel as guilty eating all my breakfast cheerios.

Do you believe that the report could be true? What other things have you heard to try when trying to conceive for a particular gender?

My husband and I recently had an unfortunate incident at Darah’s preschool. It’s a long story (and not the reason I’m writing this), but basically we decided we weren’t comfortable with having her go back to the same school. When we pulled Darah out of school, my husband and I started really pondering what was best for Darah and her educational needs. An unfortunate experience gave us a great opportunity to reevaluate the decisions we were making and make sure we weren’t just going with the flow, but that we were truly doing the best thing for our daughter. First of all, it must be reminded that Darah is not even four years old yet. We’re not talking about making a decision on what college or high school she attends, we’re talking about preschool. Through a ton of research and even more prayer, we decided that teaching her at home was the best thing for her. Everybody gets that cringe when they hear the word “homeschool.” This decision goes completely against what’s being preached in the special needs circles, because it is the opposite of inclusion. Darah is trying out another preschool two mornings a week for three hours each morning, but I am just waiting to see how it goes before I commit to that for next year. She will not be attending full time next year, unless I do a complete flip-flop.

I am not saying that this decision is the best decision for every other child. I am saying that this decision has been the best thing for Darah for right now. It is a hard decision because even though I feel like I’m doing the right thing, everyone has an opinion or a story about how homeschooling ruins children and even though I am confident that I know Darah and her needs better than anyone else, I don’t like feeling judged by other people.

During my quest to find the perfect decision for Darah’s education, I became quite intimate with google. I’m a concrete person, so I was looking for concrete answers. Unfortunately, it took some serious digging to find the amazing resources that are out there! I wanted to find an all-encompassing curriculum that told me exactly what to do on each day. The more I started digging, the more I learned that I was actually already doing a lot of the things I needed to be doing with Darah. I am already doing the See-and-Learn reading program that I raved to all of you about in this article. I also was already working on numbers, shapes, and colors with Darah. I was also already “teaching” her in our normal, everyday activities. When her toe comes out of her sandal, I teach her that her toe is “OUT” and needs to go back “IN!” When we outside, I show her the difference between her “LITTLE” toy car and the “BIG” car that drives by. When I give her a bath, we name all of her body parts and count her way-too-cute toes. These are all foundational concepts that are usually taught to preschoolers. I know that Darah is learning by living and I do not take that type of learning for granted because it is the main way all kids learn-through experiences. However, I am the type of person who needs a little more direction. I am goal driven and a list maker and need to know that these are priority numbers one, two and three. I want to feel like I know what I’m doing even if we’re very laid back in our approach to learning. I found some amazing resources that I would like to share with you if you are considering to teach your child at home. My philosophy is every parent is “homeschooling” their child in some fashion. Even if they are sending their child to traditional school, they are still working on homework after school, answering the million and one “why” questions, and teaching their children through everyday experiences. (more…)

Happy Earth Day! In honor of Earth Day I have composed a few easy things you can do to contribute to helping the earth be a little safer for our kids.

1. Next time you go to the store try buying Tide for Cold Water. Using cold water on all laundry uses less energy–thus reducing your carbon footprint. It will also save you about $65 per year on your electric bill.

2. Reuse those baby food jars! They can be used to:

• transition toddlers and preschoolers to a big girl/boy glass at the dinner table

• serve ice cream, pudding, or mouse in them for great kiddie sized portions

• organize your “junk drawer” for things like rubber bands, thumb tacks, paper clips, small watch/toy batteries, stamps

• put paints in for your budding artist to dip their paintbrush into

• catch bugs in

3. Break out those cloth napkins that you registered for at your wedding! I don’t know about you but I registered for cloth napkins and I never used them. We just went through our LAST pack of paper napkins and we are now using cloth ones. Buying or using cloth napkins reduces the use of energy and resources to make the paper napkins. You can also reuse old dishcloths and make them into cloth napkins. If you want to get creative you can assign each person in your family a colored napkin. You could also have napkin holders with each persons name on it. When the napkins get yucky enough you can throw them in the wash. They don’t have to be washed after every use!

4. Consider purchasing a reusable water bottle for every member in the family. 38 billion water bottles are put into landfills every year! A reusable water bottle will help decrease that amount. Sigg and Kleen Kanteens are great choices that are environmentally friendly and recycleable! They also make them in great kiddie sizes.

5. Turn your heat/ac up/down 1 degree. One degree won’t be that noticable and it will also reduce your energy bills and carbon footprint!

6. Arrange a Toy Swap with your other mommy friends. Toy Swaps help rid your house of clutter toys your kids have lost interest in and provide “new” toys for the kiddos to play with. It doesn’t necessarily cut down on toy clutter but it does help reduce waste from buying new toys. With 3 kids I have toys coming out of my ears. Sometimes the plastic toys make me feel like I’m going insane. I have a pile in the basement of toys that we have grown out of or have lost interest in and I am already planning on making a stop at good will or arranging a toy swap of my own!

I recently bought a book that just came out called Healthy Child, Healthy World: Creating A Cleaner, Greener, Safer Home. It is a book with tons of information about making your home nontoxic, recipes for air freshener, bubble bath and pet flea repellents, green gardening, how to avoid those scary toy recalls and how to choose safer art supplies, smart choices for remodeling your home and even a shopper’s guide for quality green products, brands, stores and websites. I haven’t read it all the way through but I have read most of it and have been impressed with the helpful information in the book. One thing I appreciate about the book is that each chapter covers the impacts of our choices on the environment. I know that the idea of being green and changing family patterns and habits can be overwhelming but the book emphasizes that any choice to go greener is a step in the right direction. I think it would be impossible to overhaul everything in our lives all at once. I know in our family we are taking one step at a time and it still feels like we are doing so little. I am trusting that my small contribution combined with others contributions will help make a big impact on making the world a better place for my kids and grandkids.

Being green is definitely becoming more popular and easy to do. What kinds of green things do you do?

My goal is to breastfeed my daughter until she is one year old. Once she turns one she can switch to cow’s milk. Ace turns 1 in less than three weeks. Lately I have been thinking about my goal to nurse for a year and the decision to wean. I have already begun the weaning process. She only nurses about twice a day and can use a sippy cup if she needs to. I have never really pumped. I never expected the decision to wean to be so emotional.

All my personal reasons to stop nursing aren’t a factor anymore. I wear underwire bras again. I occasionally drink a glass of wine after Ace is down for the night. It doesn’t take Ace long to nurse. It only happens two or three times a day. I am not nervous about nursing in public anymore. The only personal reason that I have left is so I can take antihistamines and certain antibiotics if I get sick.

The convenience of nursing is awesome. I hate doing dishes. I don’t have to go downstairs first thing in the morning to make a cup of milk. My husband usually gets up with me, changes Ace’s diaper and then brings her to me in bed. Right now the convenience outweighs the alternative for me.

My daughter is small for her age as she is normally in the 20th percentile for height and weight. I like that she is still small, so it doesn’t seem weird to me to nurse her. Although when she sits up and nurses it’s a little bit weird. Sometimes I feel like a soda fountain at a buffet.

Nursing has definitely given me a bond with my daughter that I didn’t expect. I had heard about nursing creating a bond between you and your baby, but I didn’t understand what my friends meant. Now I feel like I know. When she nurses we have a connection that I don’t think I would have if I hadn’t nursed.

Ace is increasingly getting more adventurous and doesn’t want to be held as much. My little baby is turning into a toddler. I am not ready to fully wean her, because I am not ready for her to grow up. I didn’t think the first year would go by so quickly. Especially not in her second month when I wasn’t getting any sleep and nursing around the clock. But now she is almost one year old and I need to make a decision.

I know Ace may wean herself any day. My friend Kristin’s son just stopped nursing two weeks before his one-year birthday. There have been two nights where Ace didn’t want to nurse, because she was too full from dinner. It actually made me a little sad.

Right now I am going to continue to nurse past the first year until I have a peace about stopping or Ace isn’t interested anymore. I am happy with this unexpected decision.

I would love to hear your stories! When did you stop nursing? Did your baby wean themselves or did you wean them? How did you make your decision?