The Mom Crowd

I’m back!  My husband and I recently adopted a little girl from Ukraine and I took some time off of The Mom Crowd to focus on our new little one. I have not experienced anything in my life more rewarding than inviting this precious angel, who was abandoned, to be a part of our family.  The fact that she will not die in an orphanage without knowing what love is makes me wish for others to consider adoption!

Adding a 15 month old to your family is a little different than adding a newborn to your family!  Reese joined our family with an already somewhat formed personality.  The only language she understood was Russian and she has lived her entire life in an orphanage sharing 2-3 caregivers with 15 other children 24/7. So, the adjustment after an adoption has some unique challenges that adjustments immediately after childbirth do not have.

Our adjustment and Reese’s adjustment since coming home from Ukraine has gone remarkably well.  My older two children did better than I could have imagined, with very minimal jealousy from my two year old son as he relinquished his role of being the baby of the family.  Most of the adjustment issues I was prepared for with Reese became non-issues and I have spent the last month in awe at how {dare I say} easy this transition has gone.

I think the research I did on bonding and attachment issues in orphans really helped prepare us all for this transition.  It is not realistic to expect an orphan to feel an instant love for their new family and many times new parents do not feel an instant bond with the child they adopted.  I did not have the expectation that from day one, she would feel bonded to us and even us to her.  My love for her started before she came, but my bond with her may be something that I would acquire over time and not necessarily instantly feel.

Reese’s personality is pretty laid back, so she ended up being content with our routine and family dynamics quickly.  A lot of orphans are not comfortable with too much touch because they are not used to it.   I was prepared to teach Reese to enjoy being held, but there was no teaching necessary…she ate it up from the start!  The one place she is aversive to touch is her face, so we are sensitive when we have to wipe her nose.  While it was good that she loved being held from the beginning, she did not like being put down.  Reese had a hard time with making eye contact with us the first week she was home.  However, that changed pretty quickly. We also had to work very hard for her smiles and giggles in the beginning.

Even though she had very little difficulty in adjusting to our family, I am still amazed at the changes in her over the last month!  After about four weeks, it became quite obvious that she knew we belonged to her and that she was a part of our family.  Around the same four week mark, she began laughing and smiling much more, did not require being held all the time, and is even doing better when I wipe her nose.  It is hard to put into words, but she obviously feels very established in our little family now and it brings me so much joy!  We are all used to our “new normal” around here.  The only thing I am still getting used to is the logistics of transitioning from place to place with three kids rather than two. Getting in and out of the car with three kids is probably not my favorite thing to do…

The question my husband and I had before we met this little girl was whether we could truly love her as much as our biological children.  The answer is aboslutely “YES!” and it happened quicker than we thought!

I actually want some time alone for mother’s day. Is it wrong that I don’t want to be with my family the entire day? I don’t want to change any diapers. I don’t want to listen to any crying. I don’t want to worry if my toddler has eaten anything for dinner. I just want to go away for a few hours. I want to sit in a coffeehouse and read. I want to sit in a movie theater. I want to watch something on t.v. that isn’t making me count to five or yelling at me to say things out loud. I want to relax and recharge my batteries.

For me I never imagined having two kids just under 2 years old would be that difficult. I had already had one, so I knew what to expect with the second baby. I knew I had the skills. As it turns out each baby is different and has their own preferences. I have to learn a whole new set of likes and dislikes. Now I have to be even more mindful and deliberate to have some Me Time.

My husband and I went out on a date this past Saturday to enjoy some time together and enjoy the green light from my midwife for you know what. I told my husband this morning that I didn’t know how much I needed that time apart from my kids until I got the time. I was excited to see my kids this morning. I felt refreshed and relaxed today.

I really value the time I have apart from my family, because it makes me a better wife and mom. So really all I want for Mother’s Day is just a few hours by myself.

If money was no object and you could have anything for Mother’s Day, what would you want?

For several weeks, Burger King has been airing its ad for a kids’ meal deal.   I don’t normally watch commercials if I can help it, but this one is hard to avoid.  While I thought the whole thing was pretty dumb, I was quietly amazed to discover that it was marketing a kids’ meal.

Naturally, the ad has caused plenty of controversy, which was probably Burger King’s goal to begin with – more talk = more sales.  You’ve got people on both sides crying out their points of view: “Get over it!  Your kid has seen worse!”  or “I am never going to Burger King again.”

My question is, what do you do when your kid sees this?  Do you discuss it with them?  Turn it off as quickly as possible?  Explain to them in pre-school vernacular about the objectification of female bodies and using sex to sell hamburgers?

As a rule, we generally don’t watch t.v. when our kids are awake.  It only comes on after they go to bed.  But when they get older, this will inevitably change.   I don’t look forward to seeing that line be pushed even further in a mere couple of years.   Sure, we won’t allow them to have their own televisions, and yes, we’ll be monitoring what they watch as much as we reasonably can.   We’ll be big supporters of reading books for entertainment and cultivating hobbies that exercise creativity.  Bottom line, though, it’s pretty exhausting, trying to let our kids be kids in a culture that wants to make them grow up so fast.

Thoughts?

I thought I’d share with you something I’ve been trying at my house.  I don’t know about your kids, but MY kids do not enjoy “clean up time”.  I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve bugged them to tears and tantrums about cleaning up.  I don’t like cleaning up my stuff all the time (ask my husband) but leaving toys strewn all through the house is not really an option for me.  I hate stepping on toys and kicking them around while I am holding the toddler and can’t see where my feet are stepping.  And most of all I abhor cleaning up THEIR mess at the end of the day.  I am not their maid, I’m their mom. Part of my job as their mother is to teach them how to be responsible for their own things–not clean up after them day in and day out.  Let’s face it, with 3 kids home for most or all of the day, I have enough on my plate already with keeping food in the house, making sure laundry is clean and put away, paying bills, and actually making meals.  Not to mention all the other “household engineering duties” that fall on our plates as moms.  The last thing I want to all day long is pick up their toys.

I wrote a while ago about Love and Logic and how I have enjoyed trying out those parenting techniques with my kids.  I decided that some Love and Logic was needed so I could teach the kids responsibility for their things AND to keep my own sanity.  I knew that the more I nagged my kids about cleaning up, the MORE they got angry at me and me with them.  The cycle wasn’t working and it was time for change.

So using some of the strategies from Love and Logic I told them the following: “Okay boys, we need something different around here for cleaning up toys.  It isn’t Mommy’s job to clean up your toys all the time and I really don’t like arguing with you about it.  Do you like it when Mommy bugs you to clean up your messes?”  ”NO!”, they say. “Okay great!  I’m glad we agree about that.  Here is the new deal–you can get out whatever you want during the day.  How does that sound?”  ”Great!”, they respond.  ”Awesome!  This is important–so make sure you listen to this–you have until dinner is ready to clean up your toys.  Whatever is left on the floor when dinner is ready goes in trash bags.  So, if you want to clean up during the day as you go you can choose to do that OR if you want to wait until Mommy starts cooking dinner you can do that too.  You can choose not to clean up your toys at all if you want–but you won’t get them back very easily. I’m fine with whatever you want to do. How does that sound?”  Their response, “Okay.”  

I think they were so relieved to hear that I wouldn’t harass them about cleaning up and that there wouldn’t be any arguing about it that getting toys taken away didn’t really sink in.  Until the next day.  Over the next week I think I stockpiled about 3-4 trash bags plus another pile of toys that they never got around to cleaning up.  Were they happy about it?  No way!  Did they throw a fit about their toys getting taken?  You bet!  Did I give up?  No way!  The key was to keep my calm and to really be fine with when they wanted to pick up their toys.  I put the ball in their court and let the consequences do the talking.  I chose not to lecture them and remind them to clean up or what would happen if they didn’t.  I do tell them that I am about to start working on dinner–but I never give a reminder “so you might want to start cleaning up”.  When they did leave toys out and I had to get out the trash bags, I would tell them what a bummer it was to have to put their toys away.  At first they tried to get mad at ME and blame it on me.  ”Nice try”, I say.  ”You chose how to spend your time and this is the consequence for your choice.”   

At first, I thought that they wouldn’t have any toys left by the time we were ready to pack up and go to England but in the last 5 days I haven’t had to pick up any toys left out.  They do it on their own.  Sure, they usually wait until I start cooking dinner to clean up but I don’t care!  They get the job done.  Sometimes we are going to be gone from the house for the afternoon and if I made dinner in the crockpot they don’t have time to pick up.  Now that we have this system going and they know I mean business, we just suggest that they might want to clean up real quick before coming to dinner.  And would you believe it, there isn’t much of a hassle about it!  Or if someone is coming over and we need to tidy up before they get there, they are generally cheerful about picking up.

My boys are 4.5 and 5.5.  I wish I would have started this on them when they were 3!  Or maybe even 2.  Although, with a 2 year old it would need to be modified since a 2 year old doesn’t have any concept of time.  And they usually need more help.  But preschoolers can learn and learn quickly.  Have you ever seen kids at preschool clean up toys so fast during clean up time and then wonder why your kids don’t do that at home?  I’m already strategizing about how to work with the 19 month old and cleaning up his toys.

You might be wondering how they get their toys back.  Well, some have gone away forever.  Others are earned back by doing special jobs around the house.  I don’t tell them ahead of time that they can get a toy back if they do a job.  Usually I’ll just ask them if they can help out and if I get a yes I’ll tell them they can go pick out one toy from the trash bags.  In fact, just this afternoon, my 5 year old helped by taking clothes out of the dryer and he went and got his newest transformer out of time out.  He was thrilled.  

What strategies do I use?  

• I don’t demand they pick up their toys NOW!  I let them choose the time.  They have control over when they pick up.
• I speak calmly.
• I show empathy when they make bad choices and lose their toys that were left on the floor.  
• I don’t lecture them about it.  
• I let the consequences do the talking.  

I’m still learning about teaching my kids about responsibility through their choices and doing it in a loving way.  I figure that I’m not the only mom who feels like she might pull out her hair if she has to pick up toys day in and day out.  I hope that this helps someone out there!

What do you do to get your kids to clean up?  What works for you?  Would you try this at your house?  Why or why not?

*photo courtesy of Swedishcarina*

While discussing my emotional roller coaster after having my baby boy 8 weeks ago with friends one mom made the comment that Postpartum Depression (PPD) is worse after having a boy. She attributed it to the higher testosterone levels while pregnant with a boy.  I have unscientifically surveyed my friends and most have agreed that their PPD was worse after having a boy than when they had a girl.

In the last few weeks I have had a few episodes of baby blues and anger. Now at 8 weeks I feel like my symptoms are calming down and my hormones are leveling out. My baby blues mostly consisted of my crying at night while watching a commercial or a t.v. show.

When I was angry I wasn’t angry at my new son, but at my husband and 23 month old daughter. My husband got sick and I was angry that he couldn’t help and I had to do everything. I know it wasn’t his fault that he got sick, but I still didn’t like it. I have been angry at my toddler daughter too. One day after I got angry with her I emailed my friend Amelia about my feelings and it read:

I do get really mad when Annabelle wakes up her brother. And then last night she was doing her usual – i don’t want dinner, but want to be in your lap while you eat – thing. In the process she swatted her plate of food away and it landed on the floor. I grabbed her, spanked her, ran her up to her room and put her in her crib and left her.  But i was so upset and upset at myself for getting so upset about it. (i hope that makes sense.)

After I had gotten angry I remembered that Amelia had written a blog post about anger and PPD here on The Mom Crowd and I went and read it. In her suggestions on how to deal with it, she suggested that you talk about it with a friend. So I emailed her and she called me back. Our conversation helped me, because it made me not feel so crazy. She told me that she had gotten mad at her husband for being sick too. She said that it was good that I put Annabelle in her crib and walked away. She encouraged me to watch my symptoms and to keep an eye on how often I get angry.

Thankfully my bouts of anger have pretty much subsided. I am normally an easy going person. I also don’t cry at every sad thing on t.v. anymore. I was also able to talk this out at my 6 week follow-up appointment with my midwife. She brought it up and asked me how I was doing emotionally. We talked while I nursed my baby. This would have never happened at my former OB/GYN’s office.

After the birth of my daughter I only had some baby blues. I remember bawling during the Series Finale of Gilmore Girls and texting my husband to come home from Target so I could have a hug. I don’t know if my Postpartum Depression was worse after my boy, because I also had a toddler to deal with.

In February the BBC reported that French scientists found a “statistical quirk” in their research suggesting that the mothers of boys have a greater chance of having a severe case of PPD.  I have also researched around the web and it doesn’t seem like their is difference in the severity of PPD in relation with the gender of your baby.

Have you noticed a difference in PPD between genders? Have you experienced a form of PPD and how did you handle it?

While we are on the subject this is a great post about not judging what form of PPD treatment people use over at Postpartum Progress (click here).