The Mom Crowd

We were asked this question by a reader:

“I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, and I’m looking for a few reference books. My doctor is the type who will want to run every test available and I’d like as non-invasive a pregnancy as possible. Any ideas on books that will give me an alternative view from the “What to Expect…” view?”

What to Expect When You Are Expecting has some good information in it and the section that shows how your baby is developing is fun to read.  The problem with it however, is that it also tells you everything that can go wrong which tends to make mothers worry.  My husband actually told me to stop reading it when we were pregnant with our first son because I would call him practically in tears worried that some ache I was having meant that something was horribly wrong with the baby.  I know other women who have had similar experiences after referring to the book.  Some people do find it helpful but it is also very intervention oriented.  It offers a very medicalized view of pregnancy and birth.  **I know I ususally mention this in my posts about pregnancy and birth, but even if you plan on getting an epidural for pain relief there are other books out there with a less medicalized view of birth that can help you prepare for pregnancy and birth.

Here are my top 5:

The Complete Book on Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger-This book covers the development of the baby as well as all the changes that are happening with the mother.  This book takes more of a mother-centered approach (versus a medical establishment approach to pregnancy and birth). It covers hospital birth, homebirth, birth centers, waterbirth.  It does take a more natural birth approach to birth but perhaps if What to Expect is more up your alley this could be a book to read to help balance out the views in What to Expect.

The Birth Book by Martha Sears-This book is a great intro to labor and birth.  She is a nurse and her husband is a doctor.  They offer an alternative view of the routine procedures that are done within the medical establishment (episiotomies, continuous fetal monitoring, testing…).  There is tons of information in it about laboring techniques, what happens during labor, and procedures offered during pregnancy and labor.

Creating Your Birth Plan: A Definitive Guide to a Safe and Empowering Birth by Marsden Wagner-This book is top notch for giving you information to help you make an INFORMED decision as you come up with your birth plan and think about what kind of birth you want.  It explains a lot of the medical procedures and interventions in addition to giving you guidelines to make sure you choose a provider that will listen to you and offer you mother-centered care.  Marsden Wagner is a doctor who has seen the worst part of medical care for pregnant women in the US.  He holds nothing back about the way that many women are treated when they are pregnant or in childbirth.  

Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer-This book addresses topics that many pregnant woman face and what research shows about it (i.e. episiotomy rate, inductions, epidurals, intermittent fetal monitoring, the difference between how doctors and midwives view birth, routine breaking the waters…)  

Natural Birth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon-Obviously this book is about natural birth.  It is very practical and covers many relaxation techniques, the ins and out of what is happening to your body during labor, laboring with a posterior baby, different laboring positions, and pushing positions.  It has lots of helpful pictures and diagrams.

Did What to Expect make you freak out?  What helpful books did you read during pregnancy?  Have you read any of these books?

Being a mom can at times be very overwhelming, especially when you are dealing with potential health issues with your child. Typical things like runny noses and fevers are stressful enough, but when something happens that seems completely out of the ordinary, you have to learn to trust your instincts.

When our son first started showing signs of diabetes, I called the pediatrician. The on-call doctor told me to stop giving him juice and his frequent thirst and urination should subside. After trying that for a few days and not seeing any changes, I insisted he be seen and tested for diabetes. Sure enough, my poor baby had a sky high blood sugar and was gravely ill from going too long without being diagnosed. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had just gone along thinking that the changes he was going through were just due to drinking too much juice!

More recently, he had a few drops of blood in his urine. Of course this was cause for concern and we rushed him to the pediatrician. It turned out that he was ok and that all of his lab work came back okay. I was a little embarrassed to have taken him in and him have nothing wrong, but the pediatrician reassured me and told me that they would rather see a million healthy kids with parents who are alert and taking charge of their children’s health than one kid who was sick.

Here are a few things to remember when you are trying to decide if it’s worth calling the pediatrician over:

• If your child is experiencing something out of the ordinary and you feel uncomfortable with what is happening, call and at least talk to the doctor or nurse.

• You know your child better than anyone else and you know what is and isn’t normal for them. Don’t let someone tell you that what is abnormal for your child is okay if you don’t think it is.

• A high fever usually requires a doctor’s visit, especially in a baby or toddler.

• When in doubt, call!

All of this is just to remind you that God gave you certain instincts and it’s best to follow them, even if it turns out that nothing is wrong. The worst thing you have to deal with, if that is the case, is a trip to the doctor and a few minutes of embarrassment. Better to have a red face than a sick child!

For a short informational video on when to call the pediatrician, visit the following link…

WebMD – When to Call the Pediatrician

Have you had times when you felt torn about calling the pediatrician?  What advice can you give other mom’s when it comes to trusting your instincts?  Have you ever followed your instincts and been thankful that you did because you caught something that could have been very serious?

Photo Courtesy of Exployment Now

Recently, my daughter had her very first teeth cleaning.  She has visited with the dentist a couple times, but they had not actually cleaned her teeth before this past week.  She did a-maz-ing!  She laid on the exam chair like such a big girl and laughed when the dentist counted all twenty of her teeth.  She also allowed the hygienist to scrape the plaque off her teeth, clean them, and apply varnish.  I was incredibly proud of her.  She excitedly picked out a slinky from the prize box at the end of our visit and we drove on home to tell Daddy what a big girl she was.  There are a few things that contributed to our very successful trip to the dentist.

Choose the right dentist and make practice visits

• Ask fellow moms for dentist recommendations.  Call and ask if you can visit the dentist office (without having an exam).  See what kind of feel you get when you visit their office and talk with their staff.  If you do not get the warm fuzzies, find another dentist.  There is absolutely no reason why you should not feel happy and comfortable when you walk into a pediatric dentist office.  It’s also a good idea to stop by the office to say “hi” a couple times before the actual exam so your child is familiar with the staff and knows where the cool toys are stored. Our dentist actually plays his guitar for kids before their exam! 

Lay down to brush teeth

• Our dentist taught us early on to brush our children’s teeth while they laid on the ground.  I thought he was nuts until I heard his rationale.  It’s actually quite brilliant.  One of the scariest parts of dental visits for small children is laying down while someone bends over you with a toothbrush.  You can take away this awkwardness by always laying them down to brush their teeth at home.  Also, you get a MUCH better look at their teeth and do a better job at brushing in this position. 

Find a sitter for siblings

• I have found a wonderful college age girl who babysits for me during the day so I can take my children to their many appointments and leave the others at home.  I think the one-on-one time I had with my daughter at her dentist appointment really helped to keep her calm and comfortable.  I was not distracted by her brother pulling down the dental tray or pushing the buttons on the dental chair.  I was calmer, so she was calmer. 

Bring Lovey

• Need I say more?  Lovey does not leave my daughter’s bedroom because I am terrified of losing her.  However, Lovey made an extra special trip to have her teeth cleaned with my daughter. 

Talk positively about the dentist trip

• Before our appointment, I told my daughter that she was a big girl, so she was going to meet a very special person who was going to brush her teeth.  I told her that the dental hygienist was going to tickle her teeth with a special toothbrush and make sure they were extra white and extra clean.  I told her that it was going to be a special time with just Mommy and her and she would receive a special treat and a new toothbrush.  I reminded her of her Barney episode about visiting the dentist and we sang some of those songs.  I called a girlfriend and told her that my big girl was going to have a fun trip to the dentist that day and built up the appointment to my friend while my daughter was in earshot.  By the time we arrived to our appointment, she was excited!

Have you taken your child for his or her first dental visit?  How did they do?  What helped make your trip successful?  What contributed to a not-so-great dental visit?

Two weeks ago I filmed a segment for ABC News show “Moms Get Real” with Juju Chang. The episode aired last week on ABC’s website. You can watch the show by clicking on the photo of it here on the right. In the show Juju Chang, Romi Lassally of truuconfessions.com, Anonymous Mom, and myself talk about Mommy Time.

The first question that Juju asked me was, “Was there a time that you realized that you needed mommy time?” I actually had 2 answers to this question. I told the producer on the phone that it is more of a day to day need. There are days when everything goes wrong. A day where the kids have misbehaved all day, have been whiny or very needy, or you just can’t figure out what they need. A day where you are just exhausted at the end of it. I also told the Producer that Summer has increased my need for Mommy Time, because I am with my kids 24/7. In the interview, I brought up a funny anecdote about how I had gotten blood, throw up, and poop on me in the span of 30 minutes (true story!) There are times when I just feel plain disgusting. Have you ever had a moment when you realized that you needed Mommy Time?

I don’t remember the next question that Juju asked me, because I was trying to remember to smile and not look like a doofus when they were talking. It was also difficult to pay attention, because I could only hear Juju and and Romi speaking through a static-y connection. I couldn’t see them. I totally freaked out when I realized that I hadn’t heard what Juju just said. I think she asked about why we need Mommy Time. I really believe we need Mommy Time because we pour ourselves out with all our heart, body, and soul all day long. We need some time to fill our cups, so we have something to pour out again. Our energy, patience, and compassion dries up and we need time to refill and rejuvenate ourselves. Why do you think we need Mommy Time?

Finally we discussed how we get Mommy Time. I feel very lucky that I am able to work out a schedule with my husband to find the time. Taking 2 to 3 hours by myself on a Sunday afternoon works for my family. My husband is completely off work and is able to watch the kids for me. I have tried to do every Monday night, but I found it hard to pull myself away from the house after a full day with the kids. I also needed time that wasn’t late at night, so I could be alert to work on my blog and do other fun things. I am not a morning a person at all. I have a friend that takes Saturday mornings off.

In the video they also mentioned a mom who confessed that she sat on the toilet for a break. I know I have sat down in the shower when I have felt overwhelmed. The important thing is that we take some Mommy Time to do whatever the heck we want without having to worry about our kids. How do you get Mommy Time?

Amelia recently wrote a blog post titled, How To Take Care Of Yourself (as the mom). The article has some good ideas to take care of yourself. iVillage published 31 Mommy-Time Ideas for Busy Moms which includes, chatting a with a friend as a way to relieve stress. There are many creative way to take Mommy Time.

Is Mommy Time realistic? Do you actually take time for yourself to do whatever you want? When was the last time you had a minute to yourself?

Last week, I wrote a post in response to a reader’s concern about her shy daughter’s difficulty in making friends.  In my preparation, I was amazed by how much I still have to learn about various personality types and how we can almost “typecast” our kids with certain traits.  I think there is a danger in putting our children in some kind of personality box and expecting them to remain that way for most of their lives.  I doubt we want to label our kids.  But I can see myself veering into that territory already.  “Lucy is such a smart, stubborn little girl.”  “Eli likes to be by himself in larger groups.”  If I’m not careful, I will start believing my kids will always be this way, and then I might react unpleasantly if they don’t.  And this would make them feel badly about themselves.

Has anyone ever labeled you?  Are you considered melodramatic, intellectual, athletic, artistic, left-brained, right-brained, nosy, outspoken, introverted, a people-person, etc?  How do those labels make you feel?  Have you ever tried to make changes in yourself only to find that people can’t handle a different behavior coming from you?  (Side note: Do you like those personality quizzes – like Myers-Briggs - that explain all of your behaviors away in a startlingly accurate paragraph?  My husband hates them.  He chafes at being put in a box.  I’ve always said he has a personality that defies most standard definitions.  )   But I digress.

I came across several helpful websites when researching last week about shyness.  I will list those at the end of the post if you are interested in learning more.  But the thing that stood out to me the most in my reading was from Dr. Renee Gilbert’s site, Shake Your Shyness.  In it, she categorized shyness not as a personality trait but a feeling that can come and go, depending on the circumstances.  Dr. Gilbert states:

“You see, shyness viewed as a “feeling” is difficult, but manageable, whereas shyness viewed as an “enduring personality trait” can be overwhelming.  Had I, as a shy child, believed that I had a shy “personality,” I might easily have gotten discouraged and given up.  But because I viewed my shyness as a feeling, as something I could do something about, I always felt there was hope.  I knew that if I could just figure out what to do to fit in and muster the courage to do it, everything would be OK–and it was.”

This spoke to me on many levels.  I was struck by the freedom that comes from thinking a child’s personality characteristics might actually be circumstantial, not permanent.  How many times have you been in situations where you felt shy, even though you can be equally talkative and confident in others?  It depends on the situation – who we’re with, what’s expected of us, and how the environment makes us feel.  The same can be true of our children.

It struck me that it is not good to label our children with an “enduring personality trait” – instead, we must celebrate their strengths on a routine basis and help build their confidence in as many things as we possibly can.

Here are some interesting sites I discovered regarding shyness:

• Shake Your Shyness (my favorite)
• Helping Young Children Overcome Shyness from the University of New England
• Center for Effective Parenting’s page on shyness
• The Shy Child by Hyson & Trieste

What do you think, moms?  Is it easy to put our kids’ personalities in a box?  Do you have any strategies for raising well-rounded children, capable of many different skills and exhibiting many unique moods?

photo courtesy of allspice1