The Mom Crowd

I have been friends with Sara and her family for several years. Living in a military town, I meet a lot of people who are serving our country, and unfortunately have to say goodbye to a lot of friends as the military moves them to other parts of the country. Sara’s husband, Josh is active duty Army and currently deployed in Iraq. They have three young boys. Sara has the most positive attitude and such a gentle spirit. She’s a tiny little thing, but she has her boys in order! Sara, thank you so much for writing this post for us and giving us an insider’s view on being a military spouse!

It’s been just over 3 months since Josh left. The Army says we have approx 12 more months to go. At times it doesn’t even feel like he has been gone for 3 months. Then you have those days where it seems like time is standing still. But you can’t get caught up in the number of days, weeks, or months. Once you start focusing on how many days you have left or how many days you have been apart you can quickly fall into despair. You just have to take it one day at a time and remember it’s only time.

Everyone who is not military always ask “How do you do it?” I have thought about this question time and time again and the only answer I can say is “By the grace of God.” There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for a 15 month deployment without your husband, best friend and spiritual partner. You have to have total trust in God to get you through the time. Being a military wife has its set of challenges. But the way I look at it is who truly does not have their own problems? Even though we are separated and I have now become both mom and dad, I know there are those people who have it worse than us. For the most part we have been truly blessed.

Trust me I have those days when I feel like I am getting pulled in 20 different directions (okay I have actually quite a few of those days). Like when we have been sick in this house for what is going on 3 months. With three small children someone is ALWAYS sick. I myself have been ill with strep throat twice! Literally one week after Josh left, everything hit us. This is where your “family care plan” comes into action as the military would say. When you are 1800 miles away from home you soon realize your friends and neighbors are now your family. These are the people you learn to count on when your son’s bike breaks, you hear a noise in the front end of your car, or you are trying to hang your Christmas lights. While you learn to help each other out you also have to be independent. You will not last a month if you can not manage a household on your own. Another important quality you must have is multitasking. This is where it pays to be a mom. We are the best at multitasking. We can cook dinner, hold a baby, and cut coupons all at the same time.

Being a military wife definitely has its good side. I am very proud to say I am a military wife. Not everyone is cut out to be one. When the 15 months is over and you see your husband again for the first time it’s like falling in love all over again. You get the butterflies in your stomach and your heart drops to the floor. You definitely learn to appreciate one another during each deployment. If you can get through 15 months of deployment you know your marriage can pretty much survive anything.

I really am enjoying all of our guest bloggers this week! Our next guest blogger is Kristi Davis. Kristi has two beautiful children and is a certified personal trainer. She has a wealth of knowledge when it comes to fitness and nutrition! It is refreshing to hear some great advice from someone who is so down to earth and practical. I am very glad she agreed to share some of her knowledge with some of us who desperately need some help in this area.

Women are often many things to many people. You play the role of mother, daughter, student, wife, sister, employee, housekeeper, etc. It is so important that you take care of your mind, body, and spirit through good nutrition and exercise so that you can be there to take care of the people you love. Sometimes women feel guilty about putting
themselves first. They have a tendency to feel selfish. There is no need to feel guilty or selfish about spending time in the gym. After you get that workout in you will have so much more energy for the rest of the day. You will most likely be more productive and in a better mood than you would be if you skipped your workout. Another reason women put off exercise is because they don’t think they have the time it takes to workout. In reality we don’t need to take much time out from our day to get in an effective workout.

I recommend one hour of exercise 4-5 days a week. There are 24 hours in one day
and all you need is one of them. You are worth one hour! You might be wondering how you can get a total body workout in one hour. The answer is a combination of cardio and total body exercises using the weights and stability ball. Here is the plan below.

1) Warm up 3 minutes on the elliptical, bike, stair climber, treadmill, or whichever type of cardio equipment you choose.

2) Continue to do your cardio. Alternate 2 minutes fast pace, 1 minute of recovery. Then minutes incline or resistance, with 1-minute recovery. If you are on the treadmill you can vary this further with 2 minutes jogging, one minute walking, or 2 minutes sprinting 1-minute recovery. This is a cardio interval type of workout and burns more
calories than going one set pace on the equipment. Go for 27-28 minutes. Cool down 2-3 minutes.

3) Next you want to get the best bang for your buck when it comes to strength training. You need to do exercises that target large groups of muscles. Squats and lunges with a body bar (optional) are two of the best moves you can do for your legs. You can do 3 sets of 12. Rest in between sets. After you complete your sets try 3 sets of 12 push-ups. You can do them on your knees or on the stability ball. The push-ups target your core, chest, and triceps. Do you have a bosu ball at your gym? It looks like half a stability ball with a base. Try doing your bicep curls on the bosu. This will tone your biceps and your core. You can also work your triceps on the bosu. If your gym doesn’t have one or you are working from home try balancing on one leg while you lift the weights. Remember to keep your knees soft, core tight (suck in your stomach), shoulders back, back straight, and breathe while you are lifting weights.

4) The final exercises will be for your abs. The bicycle is the most effective abdominal exercise. To do this exercise start by laying on your back. You will then take your shoulders off the ground; chin faces up towards the sky, place your hands behind your head for support (don’t lace your fingers together) take your right shoulder up and across your body to meet your left leg. At the same time bring that left leg in towards your chest. Return to start and do the exact thing on the other side. Do 3 sets of 30 seconds. Finish your abs with some basic crunches on the stability ball (more effective than on the floor).

5) Stretch! This is the most important step and most people forget it. Stretching prevents injury, increases flexibility, and helps prevent sore muscles. Stretch out every muscle you worked with basic stretches. Breathe deeply as you stretch. Relax and don’t tense your muscles or allow them to bounce. Hold the stretches for 20 seconds.

You are done! You now have the energy to take your kids to the park or fold that mountain of laundry you have been avoiding all week.

Also, if you don’t have a gym membership you can do most of these exercises from your home. All you need are some good sidewalks, a park, or if you’re lucky enough home exercise equipment, a pair of light weights, and a stability ball. You can buy the stability balls at Wal-Mart and Target for around $20.00.

Lastly, if you only have 30 minutes to exercise choose with the cardio interval program. If you plan on working out again in the next 24 hours don’t work the same muscle groups. You need to give them a rest (abs excluded). You can do your cardio but you need to avoid doing the cardio intervals on back-to-back days. You can also opt to work different muscle groups like the shoulders, back, inner-thigh, and outer-thigh.

Kristi Davis
Certified Personal Trainer

Do you have any time saving exercising tips of your own?

It’s easy to take being a mom for granted. For some women, the act of becoming a mother is not very easy and requires unconventional routes. I am friends with an amazing person who is trying to become pregnant through an egg donor. Her amazing spirit, positive attitude, and HUGE HEART has always been so encouraging to me. Everyone who meets this woman is instantly in love with her because she is one of the most selfless people I know. Due to the sensitivity of this topic, we are not disclosing her name, but please be inspired by the journey she is on right now to become a mom. Here is her ongoing story:

I was so excited on the day I threw away my last empty package of Birth Control pills…we were going to try get pregnant! That was over two years ago.

The first two months went by with no period. After several negative pregnancy tests I visited an OBGYN. Her nurse practitioner told me I needed to go home and draw a bath, light a candle, and read a good book in order to relax. Apparently that was going to do the trick. I left in tears. I knew my body – I had already been through one surgery to remove endometriosis – this was NOT normal. I think she must have somewhat convinced me that I was over-reacting because it was a few months before I went to another doctor. He ran tests, tried out a few drugs on me and made me take my temperature every day for about 3 months. He could never figure out when I was ovulating, and then he prescribed Clomid. When a couple of friends were mortified to hear that he wasn’t monitoring me via ultrasounds, I decided to move on to yet another doctor. He was a “Reproductive Endocrinologist.” I can’t believe I am actually here – only women who can’t get pregnant come here. Oh wait…that is ME! It sank in so quickly that I was actually “Infertile.”

The new doctor reviewed my records and decided to try the Clomid again, but assured me we would be monitoring the progress with regular ultrasounds. I took the maximum dosage of Clomid and went in about every three or four days for vaginal ultrasounds. As bizarre as it seems…you get used to the humiliation and vulnerability of the process. I was so hopeful every time I went in, but I only produced one very small follicle and it just disappeared by the next ultrasound. After a total of three unsuccessful rounds of Clomid, it was time to re-assess the situation. My husband and I went in for a long discussion which resulted in a very scary realization that I was having neurological side effects to the Clomid. OK…so no more Clomid. We were pulling out the “big guns”…injectables. But first, the doctor wanted to do another surgery to remove any new endometriosis and clean out my tubes. Six weeks after the surgery I started the injectables which run about $1300.00 for a cycle which lasts about 12 days. I was taking triple the amount of a normal cycle…you do the math. At one point I was injecting a total of 6 vials of FSH hormone injectables per day. I was a human pin cushion. We did five unsuccessful cycles, or months, of the injectables and I had officially baffled my doctor. He said my ovaries were “laughing” at the drugs.

“I believe you may have Premature Ovarian Failure, or POF. You can expect to start menopause in the next few years.” Although my husband and the doctor were both in the room with me, I felt completely alone and as though I had just been kicked in the stomach. How can this be happening to me? I’m only 34 years old! I had a burning feeling rising up through my chest and throat, but fought back the tears as I still had to pay, yes – I had to PAY to hear this news and I also had to still walk through the lobby of the fertility clinic that had become an all too familiar scene in the last year. The doctor went on to tell me about my options, but it was all just muffled sound as I sat there trying to understand what I had done to deserve this fate.

This was about the middle (so far) of our journey to becoming parents. It is difficult to explain the feelings that come along with the label “Infertile.” Isn’t it my job as a woman to carry a baby? Is my husband going to be disappointed that we may never have the opportunity to produce a baby combined from the two of us? Am I going to be forever resentful of my friends and family who easily became pregnant and now lead their busy “soccer mom” lives? Ugh – this is unacceptable. I am not going down without a fight! I have been successful at everything I have ever put my mind to. I put myself through college, landed great jobs, and married a wonderful man…why should this be any different? There are two very prominent things I have learned throughout this process – 1. I am NOT in control, and 2. People say the most amazing things. Along the way I have heard just about every anecdote from strangers, family and friends that you could imagine. “Just relax, it will happen”, “Everything happens for a reason”, and my favorite “Are you sure God wants you to have children?” A friend and I have joked about writing a book about what NOT to say to a woman when she is going through fertility issues, had a miscarriage, or had a child with a disability. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.

Once the reality set in that the only way I was going to become a mother was through egg donation, I hit the ground running. I guess I could sit around having a pity party, but I am not getting any younger and the situation is not going to change no matter how many tears I shed. Funny thing is, I now cry at the strangest times, especially when I walk by the two “guest bedrooms” upstairs in my house. I feel like I have let everybody down. It is a feeling full of shame and guilt that I cannot provide the joy a child would bring to the people around me.

One of my dearest and most up-beat friends agreed to meet me in Dallas at the agency that would provide the egg donor. As we sit at a large round table and I flip through big white plastic binders, my friend puts her hand on one of the pages as if to distract me and asks “What are you thinking at this very moment?” I tell her I cannot believe I am doing this. I am actually “shopping” for an egg. It is the most surreal moment of my life so far. There is no denying what is happening.

I picked out 11 girls, and the agency also gave me a picture of a girl that had just applied, but they did not have her written profile ready yet. I paid the agency a fee and they gave me copies of all the profiles I had chosen. On the ride back home, I read the profiles to my husband and I used a highlighter to note any “strikes” against her. Besides physical appearance, we were looking at family health history, education, and her answers to questions about the reasons for becoming an egg donor. We had narrowed the list to three girls, and I was still waiting on the profile that went with the picture the agency had given me. I emailed the agency requesting additional photos of the narrowed list of donors and also to request the written profile that went with the photos they had provided.

The following day was my birthday. I opened my email and the agency had sent my requests. I read the previously missing profile and then printed it out for my husband to read. I gave it to him and stood anxiously over him as he read it. He closed the profile, handed it back to me and said “Call the agency and tell them we have made our choice. This is her. ” I can’t believe it – that was my thought exactly! Happy Birthday to me! God had sent us this angel for my birthday. We were on our way.

We forked over a small fortune to the agency and had to sign many papers that would protect both party’s anonymity and also promise legal custody of any resulting embryos. Many people do not realize the financial expenses that come along with this process. The donor receives a fee, the agency receives a fee, we pay all of the donor’s doctor visits, medication, and since I chose a donor that lives in another city, we pay all of her travel expenses as well. I found myself separating emotions from business. Every time I stopped to think about it I broke down in tears. Some happy tears, and some tears of sheer terror. To this day I still wonder what the heck I am doing and wondering if this is the right thing to do.

All we had to do now was wait to see if the donor was available and then start syncing our cycles. She agreed and we both were prescribed several different drugs that would prepare us for the egg transfer. We were both suppressed (our ovaries were basically shut down so that they could be manipulated with drugs) and after both of us had an ultrasound, she would start on the injections that would produce follicles that would hopefully contain the eggs we needed…so we thought. That very day my husband went to the doctor for some pain in his lower abdomen. He had an inguinal hernia and we could not move forward until it was repaired. We had to start all over.

About two months later we arrived at the same point we left off with when my husband had the hernia. I went in for my ultrasound and everything looked great. My donor went in for her ultrasound and everything did NOT look great…she had a cyst on her right ovary. They could not start the stimulating hormones until it was gone. Another week went by and the cyst was still there. I felt like I was climbing to the top of a mountain only to be sent back to the bottom by an avalanche. Yet another week went by and she still had the cyst. My doctor called me and very gently told me the news. He said that if she did not agree to have the cyst drained then we should consider finding another donor. You have got to be kidding me. I refused to do this again – I knew I could not handle it. Luckily she agreed to have the cyst drained and we started everything back up again.

That is where we are as I sit here writing this story for my friend’s website. I am full on anxiousness, hope, and fear all at the same time. It has been the most emotionally, physically, and financially draining experience of my life. It has brought me closer to God and also brought my husband and me closer as well. There truly is a reason all of this is happening to me.

This whole week at The Mom Crowd, we will be hearing from guest bloggers. Dawn is our first guest blogger. She is a friend of Amanda’s and has been a dedicated reader of The Mom Crowd. She wrote a great post! If you want to learn more about Dawn, check out her at Everything I’ve Ever Wondered*. Happy Reading! ~McKenna

Hey moms! I’m Dawn, mother of Lucy (22 mos) and Eli (5 mos). So Amanda asked me to write a post for The Mom Crowd. I spent several days thinking of ideas for my post (“I Hate My Closet: Why Getting Dressed Isn’t as Fun as It Used to Be”; “When My Body is Truly Mine Again: How I Spanned 3 Years and 2 Olympic Games Pregnant, Nursing, or Both”; “Guilt: How Much TV is Too Much TV When You Love to Watch TV?”), and I decided that I’d better leave the child-rearing wisdom to the experts. I am going to stick with one of my favorite topics-an area in which I have far too much knowledge: pop culture. So I present to you, dear mommies, my

Favorite Five Unsung Wonder-Moms in Film

Most folks would agree that Terms of Endearment is an iconic film about mothers & daughters. I like the movie a lot, sure, and I think the acting and story are top-notch. However, too much attention is paid to Shirley MacLaine’s character (Aurora Greenway), the doting and unusual mother of Debra Winger’s Emma. What about those other movie moms, the quiet ones, who are fantastic mom characters? They forego the quirky, kooky side and show us what lots of real moms act like. I decided to give them a shout-out, starting with

1. Lorri Morris, played by Rachel Griffiths in The Rookie. Not only does she have 3 young kids (including one baby), she’s a full time high school counselor. Plus, her husband decides to leave the family for months at a time to pursue a crazy pro-baseball dream! Their marriage is a perfect example of a wife who is supportive yet realistic (although I must confess I doubt I’d be as patient as she appeared to be). I love the scene when their baby wakes up in the middle of the night, and the couple lies in bed, discussing who should get up to comfort her. Ultimately, the mom ends up rocking the baby back to sleep, singing to her softly. She is strength and love personified.

2. “Mom”, played by Karen Allen, in The Sandlot. She shows the power of simple understanding when her young son struggles to fit in with the new crowd after a move. She gently encourages him to go outside, to get into trouble, to get dirty! In her own words: “Not a lot of moms would make an offer like that.” The most telling scene? Scotty finally makes a friend in Benny (who gives him a glove and hat so he can join the team), and Scotty excitedly runs into the house, shouting, “Hey Mom! Guess what!?” He knew his mom would be just as excited about it. Awww…

3. “Kate Reynolds”, played by Tea Leoni in The Family Man. Just your basic great-mom-who’s-also-a-hottie, taking care of the kids each day and loving her husband even though he’s sometimes a selfish lout. “…maybe I was being naive, but I believed that we would grow old together in this house. That we’d spend holidays here and have our grandchildren come visit us here. I had this image of us, all grey and wrinkly, and me working in the garden and you re-painting the deck. But things change. If you need this, Jack, if you really need this, I will take these kids from a life they love and I’ll take myself from the only home we’ve ever shared together and I’ll move wherever you need to go. I’ll do that because I love you. I love you, and that’s more important to me than our address. I choose us.”

4. “Annie Kinsella”, played by Amy Madigan in Field of Dreams. A former hippie who still loves a good demonstration every now & then, Annie is one spunky momma. She cracks jokes, gives her husband the benefit of the doubt, and cooks a mean tray of frozen french fries. She’s a hoot. Look for her getting her daughter’s lunch ready while wearing a Brownie beanie cap. (What is it with moms who are so supportive of their crazy-baseball-dream-driven husbands?)

5. “M’Lynn Eatenton“, played by Sally Field in Steel Magnolias. We’ve all seen it a thousand times: the gut-wrenching funeral scene where M’Lynn grieves loudly and at times, riotously. For me, though, the maternal love and strength of M’Lynn is shown in her reading to her comatose daughter at the hospital, in her crying and waving to her daughter as she leaves home for good, in her compassionate arms swung open wide as she picks up her precious grandson after Shelby dies. She’s one of the best movie moms ever.

C ome to think of it, a lot of these examples showcase what a strong marriage can look like, which has a definite effect on the children involved. What about you? What portrayals of movie motherhood have stood out to you? Share it in the comments section. And by the way, I love The Family Stone. I think Sybil Stone is a great mom (I love how she has a definite, adoring relationship with each of her grown children).

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