The Mom Crowd

Before I had children I never thought I would have so many toys just for one kid. Friends and family enjoy gifting my little girl with toys. I am forever thankful for their generosity, but I have to put them somewhere.

The migration of toys started in the nursery then spread to my bedroom. Next they encroached into a corner of the living room. The toys grew too much for the living room. Finally they made their way into a space that is supposed to be a formal living area which we have used as a library. Now they have even moved into our formal dining area.

All my bedrooms are upstairs, but we don’t hang out there much during the day. I like being able to see my kiddos from the kitchen and our living room. So half of the downstairs is now a play area and I love it.

We recently replaced the formal dining table with a futon and a t.v. I don’t know why this made me so happy. I love hanging out in there with my kids. Of course, there is more I want to do to the room like curtains on the back windows, wall art, change the lighting, and have better storage for the small toys.

Having a designated area for the toys has kept my regular living room more clean and a retreat for me at the end of the day.  Now I just need to teach my 2 year old how to pick her toys up every night. If she doesn’t fully understand how to clean up by the time she is a preschooler, then I am going to try Amelia’s tips on How to Teach Your Preschooler to Pick Up Their Toys.

I understand that I am lucky to have some extra space in my house to create a play area. It seems like such a necessity. You need space to store toys and kids need a place to play and be a kid.

Almost every house that I have been to that has a play area is fun. So I created my own. One day I will reclaim the dining room and library, but until then my little kiddos rule the room.

I don’t have any great insight about organizing toys or creative ways to make your playroom more fun. I just know that having a play area is cool.

How about you? Have you made a designated play area? Did you ever think you would have one?

It’s something I swore I’d never do: let my car get messy after having kids.  My car was relatively clean before we had babies, and I thought if I kept up with it enough, it would stay that way once the kids got older.  Pretty naive, huh?    I used to be so grossed out by family vehicles, frankly – all the old Cheerios, grubby toys, and crumbs on the seats.  Ick!  Go into my garage, though, and you’ll find out that my car is decorated in the exact same way.

A few weeks ago I was surfing the internets and found out about this contest (now over):  Mom’s Messy Car Photo Contest. It made me a little relieved to see that this trend is more common than not.  Even though the contest was expired, I got my camera and grabbed a few shots anyway.  Here’s a peek!

Your standard collection of toys on the floor of the car, almost never played with.

This one shows a bit more garbage, which grosses me out.  How did I let that happen?

Finally, you have a shot of my daughter’s handprints all over the back-inside of the car.  Rest assured, she is not bumping around the back of the car while it’s moving.  (If you must know, hubby & I were “discussing something intently” while sitting in a parking lot, and we let her climb over the seats to keep her busy.)  This is the kind of thing I will never get around to cleaning – I barely go through a drive-through car wash, much less take windex & a towel to the interior side of the windows.

I often comment to friends that I desire to have a clutter-free, “Real Simple-style” home, but who are we kidding?  With toddlers, this is just not realistic.  If I prioritize a beautifully clean car, that means I am sacrificing something else: time and joy with my kids.  So for now, the deal is, I let some messes slide in the name of preserving my sanity.  I want to teach my kids how to pick up after themselves, but I don’t want to be on them every two seconds about throwing a toy on the car floor.  If Rice Krispies make them happy, I’ll vacuum up the dropped ones eventually.  I’m okay with my messy mom-mobile.

What about you?  On a scale of one to ten, how messy is your family car? Do you have any practical tips for keeping it organized?

This is just my story, I’m still coping…We just found out yesterday that we lost our baby.  I had an ultrasound scheduled last week at my midwife visit to check on dating and also because I was having a little spotting.  Monday night I had more spotting and was looking forward to the sonogram because I was hoping that the spotting was normal and that I would be relieved to see the baby was doing fine.  

We went to the sonogram as a whole family so my husband and kids were there. As soon as she put the paddle on my tummy, I saw the baby but no heartbeat. (I’ve been to a few sonograms so I knew what to look for.)  She didn’t have to tell me because I knew.    The sonographer quietly whispered that we may want to take the kids out.  I looked at my husband and asked if he heard what she said.  I told him with a look and he knew.  We didn’t want to take the kids out because we knew we’d have to tell them anyway and I didn’t want my husband to leave and be in the room by myself.  She asked if we wanted a picture of the baby which was very kind of her. I asked her if she could tell when the baby had died.  I was a little over 11 weeks and the baby was measuring a little over 9 weeks.  She left to go tell the doctor what was going on and to page the midwife on call.

Our 5 year old picked up pretty quick that something was not quite right and asked what was going on.  I started crying and we told the boys that the baby had died. We told him that mommy and daddy were feeling sad.  He came and gave me a big hug and tried to cheer me up by telling me that I would be okay.  He was sad for a minute and then pretty much moved on.  All three boys were more interested in the sonogram machine and how it works.  Their curiousity and inability to really understand what was going on diminished the emotional impact of what was happening.

On the very quiet car ride home, I had a hundred thoughts going through my head.  Was it the Advil Cold and Sinus I took a few weeks ago?  Was it the cold I had?  Was it all the stress of moving? Was it my own doubts of how I would handle raising 4 children? Or how sometimes I felt like all this transition would be easier if I weren’t pregnant? Basically, was this somehow my fault?  Logically, I know this is very unlikely but the thoughts kept coming anyway. I think it is a natural part of the grieving process to ask those questions just to get them out there.

When we got home we made some coffee, let the older boys play on the computer, and sat on the floor with, Graham, the toddler and played blocks with him.  I think we were feeling thankful for the quiet and relaxed atmosphere of being at home.  I turned on the tv and watched The View just to escape the reality of the situation for a while.  It wasn’t until we laid Graham down for a nap that my husband and I had time to talk and process how we were feeling, what we were thinking, and to connect emotionally while the older two were happily playing in their bedroom.  I’m thankful that my husband doesn’t have a “what’s the big deal, you were still in your first trimester” attitude about it.  He is sad too–in a little bit of a different way.  He was excited about this baby and as we have been making all our plans for the future and our big move to England– this little baby was in every scenario.  We cried together and it felt really good to tell him all the things that were going through my mind.  

We called our families and told them the news and then we called friends.  We’ve only had a few of the unhelpful comments that Mckenna wrote about several months ago.  Sure, I know that there was probably something wrong with the baby or the placenta.  Sure, I know that everything will be fine. Sure, I know that God is there in the midst of all this.  Of course, I know that I should be thankful for my 3 healthy boys.  I KNOW that–but it doesn’t take away from the fact that we lost something that is precious to us!  Most of those came from the same person (who of course shall remain nameless and doesn’t read this site).

Our community of friends and neighbors have been wonderful.  One of my husband’s professors (who is also a priest) called last night to pray for me over the phone.  She was willing to come to our house if we wanted and offered to come up to the hospital if we end up needing to go there for a D&C.  A good friend of mine who has also had a miscarriage brought by a meal.  Some other friends have offered meals too.  Another friend brought by some flowers that are beautiful.  Several friends have offered to take the boys for a while.  We have lots of friends praying for us and offering to help in any way that we need it.  We feel deeply loved and cared for.  I have been amazed the care being given by our friends.  They are doing everything they know to do to help us out.  

I’m still waiting for the actual miscarriage.  I had an appointment with the midwife this morning to get a rhogam shot since I am rh-.  I asked her how long it would take for the cramping and passing of the baby to start.  She couldn’t really say one way or another but that if it didn’t happen in the next week I should consider getting a D&C.  I’d rather not go that route unless needed. I am not particularly fond of the idea of someone scraping out my uterus and treating my baby like it was medical waste.  And even though the risks and complications with a D&C are small, I don’t want to do it unless my body doesn’t naturally pass the baby.  

I imagine that seeing the remnants of the baby will be difficult and that I will have moments of grief over the next several months.  I don’t want to go into the pit of despair but I do want to allow myself to grieve when the moments come.  It is easy in a faith community, like the one we are involved with, to feel like I have to put on a positive face about it.  I don’t want to rob myself of feeling sad about something I was very much looking forward to.  

A friend had given us a shadow box after Graham was born and I hadn’t decided what to do with it.  It has been sitting on my dresser, empty.  My husband suggested that we put one of the sonogram pictures in the shadow box as a keepsake for our precious little one.  I loved the idea and am glad to have a memory of our sweet baby.  

When it comes down to it, there never is any perfect thing to say to anyone.  The things I have appreciated the most are “I’m sorry for your loss, May the Lord bring you comfort, My thoughts are with you, I’m sad with you, How can I help?”  The things that communicate that people are along side us in our journey mean the most.  Advice or pat answers, not so much.  

What do you do if a friend loses a pregnancy?

• Offer a meal.
• Call to say your sorry.
• Ask to take the other children for a while.
• Send some flowers.
• Bring by a pint of ice cream.
• Show up to the house and give hugs.
• Write a little note telling the family you love them.
• Offer to pray for them (if you are of that persuasion).
• Offer a listening ear.
• Allow your friend to talk about other things if she wants to.  

I’m sure there are other things to add to the list…feel free to add them in the comments section!  Maybe you found some things helpful when you went through this yourself.  

P.S. In writing this post, I’m not looking for a bunch of sympathy.  Don’t feel like you should or have to say anything!  I did want to write a post that would be helpful for others.  And honestly, I wasn’t feeling particularly inspired to write about anything else.  This has been a little mind consuming as you can imagine.  I feel like I need help dealing with my own kids when my emotional margins are small and fragile!  I’m living in the reality that there are MANY, MANY things to do while dealing with the emotional impact of losing the baby as well as some  bleeding while I wait for the acutal miscarriage.

My baby is 3 months old today and I am just now feeling like I am my old self again. After I had my first baby I remember an older couple telling me to wait until the 3 to 4 month mark and life will begin to get back to normal. So far their advice has been right with both of my kids.

Around the 3 to 4 month mark my babies started sleeping longer. They didn’t need to be fed around the clock. I even had some of my brain cells back. Now that I think of it, maybe my brain cells are coming back because I am getting more sleep. (If only I went to bed on time!)

Also, around the 3 to 4 month mark my babies started to smile and coo. Seriously, life doesn’t get any better than when your baby wakes up smiling every morning. Until that smile comes babies can seem like a chore, especially in the first few weeks.

Melissa recently commented on an older post of mine titled, “Its Okay Not to Love Your Newborn.” She wrote:

I too am struggling with my feelings toward my daughter. She is almost 3 weeks old and I do not feel a bond with her yet. I know I love her to some degree b/c I am constantly thinking and worried about her. Maybe that’s it. She does feel more like an obligation or a chore than an enjoyment. She cries a lot & I am blown away by the amount of responsibility it takes to care for her. I feel trapped & scared that it will never get better. I want her to hurry and grow then feel guilty b/c I know when that happens I’ll regret that I didn’t enjoy her at this time. It’s very depressing.

I replied to Melissa through email and I explained how things do get better. I have never loved the newborn stage. I am already tired from 40 weeks of pregnancy, labor & delivery, and getting no sleep all while having to learn to care for a new person. I feel like each baby has their own personality and the early weeks are spent getting to know the baby. Both the mom and baby are getting used to each other.

I certainly enjoy the newborn stage as best as I can, but I am always glad when I am on the other side of that mountain. Now that my baby is 3 months old I can see the bottom of that mountain. I can see my life becoming normal again. I am not spending every waking second worried about my new baby.  I am close to getting a full night’s sleep again. It is easier to travel. I am incredibly thankful to be on the other side of the mountain that began with first reading those two blue lines.

Do you love the newborn stage? When did your life feel like it was normal again? Did it ever return to normal? Or was it new kind of normal?

* The photo is of my husband and Baby Roman in the Guadalupe River on Memorial Day.

Before my little girl, Annabelle, came along I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to dress my daughter in clothes with cartoon characters and give into sneaky marketing schemes. I have watched one too many “What Not to Wear” shows and I know Stacy always throws out those Disney shirts. Of course, I realize that Stacy is usually helping a 35 year old woman and not a toddler. Still, it solidified the idea in me that cartoon characters are not cool. I wanted my girl to be hip and look like she is always dressed from the Gap.

I also wasn’t going to give into the Disney Princess phenomenon. I am realistic and don’t want to encourage a “princess” mentality. When I was pregnant with my first child I read “What’s Wrong With Cinderella?” in the NY Times. In the article the author is concerned that her daughter’s infatuation with princesses will lead to a life preoccupied with body image. She writes,

I worry about what playing Little Mermaid is teaching her. I’ve spent much of my career writing about experiences that undermine girls’ well-being, warning parents that a preoccupation with body and beauty (encouraged by films, TV, magazines and, yes, toys) is perilous to their daughters’ mental and physical health. Am I now supposed to shrug and forget all that? If trafficking in stereotypes doesn’t matter at 3, when does it matter? At 6? Eight? Thirteen?

I sort of agreed with the author and was concerned about what ideals the Disney princesses were going to teach my future little girl.

I had my standards until I my daughter watched Sesame Street and became a fan of Elmo. Now she will sit on the couch point to the TV and say “Elmo! Elmo!” After we watched the movie ‘Enchanted’ together she came out of the playroom wrapped in a blanket to make a dress, with a purse on her arm and singing. I let her watch Dora and she became glued for the whole episode. She recognizes Dora everywhere she sees her image.

Now it makes me happy to see my daughter get excited when she recognizes a character. The moment my daughter sees her Elmo shirt she says “On! On!” I won’t go overboard and I get a lot of items from garage sales and hand me downs. In my plans to have a trendy dressed daughter I never thought how a TV character would bring my daughter so much joy.

Annabelle naturally gravitates to princess items. Some of that princess stuff is junk and I have some limits on what princess items I allow my daughter to have. I would love to take Annabelle to Disney World and let her run around the park dressed as a princess.

I have come to terms that this will be a phase in my daughter’s life. I grew out of my Strawberry Shortcake phase and I am healthy functioning adult. I am glad that I have given into some of the marketing hype, because it is neat to see my little girl get excited over her Dora pajamas and her Disney princess kitchen. And honestly, it is fun for me too.

Have you had a similar experience? What cartoon items do your kids love? Do you have limit on what  items you allow? Do you think the princess phenomenon is detrimental to our girls? And finally, who else doesn’t like the sassy Tinkerbell merchandise?

- top photo courtesy of Chekit