Have Your Friends Changed?
One year ago I became a mom and my relationships with friends changed. The need to hang out with other Preggies and moms is an intrinsic necessity put inside us when we become pregnant.
After I came home I made play dates with almost every stay-at-home-mom that I knew. I even planned one mega-huge play date to get us all in one place. After a couple of visits with many friends I realized that I couldn’t be a friend with every mom on the planet. Also, I just didn’t hit it off with some folks. Over time I have found my close friends whom I stay in contact with regularly.
One encouraging lady that I stay in contact with regularly is McKenna, who also writes for The Mom Crowd. She has been a long time friend of mine, but we weren’t always close. We became great friends in a young married’s small group, but when she had Darah our lives went in two different directions. Three years later I was pregnant and she just had her second baby. I would go over to her house after my check-ups, because her house was close to my doctor’s office. Our friendship instantly grew and I now count her as one of my best friends. However, we wouldn’t be as close as we are now if I never had my own child.
Another place I found new/old friends is on the web. Some of my old friends had moved away and we didn’t stay in touch. After I was pregnant I was able to reconnect with friends like Amelia and Dawn (who also write for TMC) and Sharon, because they had started their own blogs. I didn’t know that Amelia had become a Bradley Birth Instructor and I was able to get some fabulous birthing advance from her before I gave birth. It was fascinating catching up on their lives through their blog posts. I have also made new friends through the web. There are a lot of supportive and encouraging moms out here in the web world.
Some of my single-friends-without-kids have been very accommodating. I love that they are free to come to my house at night and watch t.v. with me whenever they want. (Shout out to Mells and Wells!) Getting a sitter and going out with friends isn’t always an option, but having friends over while Ace sleeps is just awesome. I know once they get married and have their own families our relationship may change some, but I am selfishly enjoying all their free time for me right now.
When I didn’t have children I never understood why parents were so strict with naps and bed times. I don’t know if I ever would have fully understood the impact of a fussy, crabby child who has not napped. I don’t expect my friends-without-kids to understand bed times and the loss of spontaneity that comes with a new little one. I am still chummy with my friends-without-kids, but we don’t hang out as much as we used to. Get-togethers require calendar coordination and the stars to align before we see each other.
The magnitude of the life change a baby brings sends shockwaves through your friendships. Some relationships may fade away, while new ones begin, and others make it through the quake unscathed.
Did you find new friends after you had a baby? Did you lose any friends? Did you notice how you didn’t click with some moms you thought you would?
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My closest friends today are mostly all “new friends.” I have had to connect to other moms who had kids with Down syndrome for some of the same reasons new moms have to find other moms to connect with. Most people don’t understand the life of raising a child with special needs, so it’s been amazing to find close friends who also are raising children with special needs. I love you, too Amanda!! I love our friendship. You’re one of my closest friends and I am head-over-heels in love with Miss Ace!
My friendships have definitely evolved since I’ve had kids…especially because my kids is really all I have to talk about! It’s really hard not to be defined by your kids!
I found that there was a definite strain on my friendships (those w/o kids) after Lucy was born. We still hung out but there were complications. For example, a big group of us went to a beach house (a tradition) about 4 months after she was born, and she was the only baby present. After about 30 minutes of stress on a windy day at the beach, I had to take Lucy back to the house, and my childless friend did not understand that and got really offended.
Moving to a new town with babies automatically put me in a different demographic – the mom one – and that would have been a weirder transition for me if I had stayed in the place where I had formerly not had kids. So the people here don’t know me as anything but a mom.
It’s funny, when I hang out with moms, I rarely want to discuss babies and kids stuff. I find that I mostly want to talk about randomness, movies, travel, faith, etc. I think it’s because I spend the rest of my hours thinking about babies and kids stuff.
Every now and then I have to remind my childless friends that I still want to hang out. It’s easy for them to think we’re never available, when like you said, Amanda, it just takes some creativity in scheduling. This Tuesday, after 9 p.m, I’m going to the movies! I can’t wait!
I do find that many of my friendship are now centered around being parents and having kids. But it’s not instant love with all moms… there should still be a basic chemistry that is not related to being moms.
I have a very dear friend who is still single, and I’m afraid our friendship IS suffering. I am sad to say it, but it’s true.
Most of my friendships I’ve made after my 1st child are other moms. But whenever I’m on the phone or hang out with my girlfriends who are single or married w/o kids, I steer away from conversations about my kids. For that reason, I think that’s why my relationships with them really haven’t changed. It’s hard at times when my life mainly revolves around my 2 kids and hubby since I’m a SAHM, but I don’t believe my identity is completely defined as a mother and wife. I enjoy having conversations that aren’t consumed by kids, parenting, and marriage life. My best friend is single and I have more in common with her than any of my other girlfriends….single, married w/o kids, and married w/kids.
i was one of the last people in my group to have a kid. i always tried to be empathetic to working moms, but it’s impossible to fully appreciate all the juggling issues until you have one of your own. but it was also frustrating because before i became their boss, my coworkers with kids would often assume that i’d take their hours or always be the one who was available for extra assignments. after all, i was “single.”
i remember after having my son, i suddenly felt as though i was in a secret society. when you’re pushing a stroller, fellow parents who would never ordinarily notice you suddenly nod and wave. a kind of “we’re all in this together” kind of wave. it was cool to be in the club. and it still is.
i’ve made more friends because of having a kid. it’s been great to have something that allows you to connect so easily with strangers. and it’s been a great reason to meet other moms online!
I lost all of my friends after having children, in fact I just blogged about how my best friend told me to stop contacting her after I couldn’t come pick her up from work when I had to have the kids in bed at 8. Motherhood is a blessing but it does come with a few hardships that you just have to take as it being a part of life.
Thank goodness for blogs and the ability to find new friends via the internet.
I agree that it is particularly hard on friendships with kid-free friends. For one, my daughter is the highlight of my life now and therefore most of my stories and exciting news revolves around her. And the answer to the infamous “What have you been up to lately?” usually begins “Well, Morgan is now doing (this or that).” And as Amanda said, there’s the scheduling hassle.
I do appreciate my friends with kids b/c they can relate. However, there is again the scheduling issue. “What time does your kid nap and does it match up with what time my kid naps?” Not to mention lessons, practices, etc. I really thought I would get together with my new mom friends more than I do; however, I have found that unless I have a dedicated time for getting together with them, it just doesn’t happen. A real bummer.
@ Domestic Diva: That’s really horrible you had to experience that with all your friends, particularly your best friend. I’m sure once they become mothers themselves, they’re going to regret cutting ties with you. Maybe relationships will rekindle?
I’ve been fortunate that my girlfriends w/o kids treat my kids as their own niece & nephew. They all will send my kids cards and gifts on their birthdays and Christmas.