They Want to be Just Like You!
Children are born wanting to grow up to be just like their parents. We are their constant role-models and their sneak peak into their adult lives. To think that I’m the only mom my two children are going to have blows my mind! Even at their very young ages, I have seen them start to emulate my husband and myself. Some of the things they’ve picked up from us are super cute. Some things they are picking up from my husband and I are not so cute. I have seen my three year old pick up bad habits that only I can take credit for and my 16 month old’s temper is seemingly familiar. I have started to be more aware of how many bad habits and inappropriate things I’m doing in front of my children. I have started to really pay attention to the things I do and say in front of my kids.
There are a few biggies that I have really been trying to avoid when my children are awake and in earshot.
Arguing with my spouse
While this is very obvious, it is something that is not always easy. Finding time to have that “debate” with my husband can be hard because sometimes I don’t want to wait until they’re in bed. It stresses my kids out when my husband and I are tense toward each other. They really pick up on our relationship dynamics!
Lying
Those little white lies like “tell her I’m in the shower and I can’t talk right now” are setting a very bad example. Children can not determine the difference between white lies and major lies, and it’s not fair to expect them to have integrity and to always be honest if you are not setting that example for them.
Gossiping or speaking badly about others
Those side comments about the horrible driver in front of you or talking bad about someone else while you’re talking on the phone is being carefully documented by your little one. We all want our children to be positive, encouraging people and we’re doing them a disservice by exposing them to the negative, discouraging world of gossip and putting down other people. I have a hard time with this when I’m talking to my husband about the happenings of the day. It’s easy for me to slip a negative comment in there about someone that made my day more difficult and I really don’t want my children to focus on the negative aspects of other people.
Swearing (and the like)
The words that you do not want coming out of your child’s mouth shouldn’t be coming out of your mouth when your kids are present. This goes beyond the standard s-words and b-words and includes “retarded” (which is a word I despise when it’s abused!) or “crap” or even simple things like “I hate that!” I have not been as careful as I should be about what comes out of my mouth in front of my children. Neither one are really talking yet, so I haven’t had my true reality check where one of my children says something that is inappropriate but I know that they are listening and remembering every word that I say and every reaction that I have.
The flip side to all of this is that our children are also taking notes of all of our wonderful attributes! When we do something generous for someone else, our children are watching. When we speak kindly about someone on the phone, our children are listening. When we give our spouse a big ole’ kiss when he walks in the door, our children feel warm inside because their parents love each other. Nobody is going to be a perfect example for their children at all times. We’re all human and all have our weaknesses. The best we can do is become aware of the things we’re doing that we need to change and try to change! We can also strive to do positive things in front of our children and hope that they are paying more attention to our positive habits than our negative ones.
What other areas do we need to guard against in front of our children? What areas do you struggle with the most as a mom?
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So true! The eye opener for me was I was watching my daughter play in the front yard one morning and she was talking on her pretend cell phone to her pretend husband, and she was saying stuff like, “What is wrong with you?!” and various other exclamations she’s picked up along the way. It was hilarious – and eye opening – for both my husband and I to see how closely she watches us, even when we don’t realize it.
One more thing I just thought of that they see and pick up on… consumerism. A lot of times, when I’m bored or whatever, I’ll go shopping, or stop and get a snack or a coffee somewhere, and I’ve noticed that now my daughter thinks that every time we’re out, we need to stop and buy something or go out to eat!
That’s a good “bad habit” that our kids are soaking up, Breanna!
About two weekends ago when we got to the airport after de-boarding one flight and walking over to our connection we saw that our connection flight was delayed two hours. Daniel said, “sh*t.” Then Ace repeated “Shiii”
Even at 11 months they pick up on what we say!
Amanda, I know! Lucy says “shoot” everytime she drops something now. Not oops. Not uh-oh. “Shoooooot!” And Dave has had to train himself not to say Crap in front of her. She’s said that before too. Reminds me of the classic Friends ep when Rachel babysits Ross’s son Ben and teaches him all the pranks – including copying whatever anyone says – when she realizes her foolishness she drops a few choice words herself and he, of course, imitates her. It’s laugh out loud funny. (I think that’s season 7 – the season Rachel had that cute short haircut.)
I’m glad to read our family isn’t the only one that drops a cuss word every now & then.
Oh geez, I’m guilty in the lying department. First time Caleb came out of the bathroom (after eating lunch) I asked him whether he washed him hands and his reply was “no”. So I asked him what he was doing because I didn’t hear the water run and his reply was nothing. He went back to the bathroom and I heard the water turn on. About a minute later he came out and I asked him for the 2nd time and he said “yes”. I asked to smell his hands and he immediately told me he didn’t wash his hands and ran off to the bathroom again.
I was flabbergasted and shocked my 4-year old was lying to me! I spent the next 30 minutes calling my husband at work and trying to figure out where our son could have learned this and how I needed to correct him. Well, it hit me a few days later when Caleb and I were out running errands after dinner and we stopped at Starbucks to pick up an iced coffee and chocolate chip cookies for the both of us. I told him not to tell daddy we bought cookies and he turned to look at me and said “You want me to lie? You told me not to lie anymore. Why do we lie to daddy when we go to Starbucks?” Instantly I knew he learned it from all our secretive Starbucks runs. Boy, I sure felt STUPID!
McKenna – you’re just a wealth of insight! It’s funny, but this topic is something I almost obsess about. Mainly because there are certain things I really don’t want my son to learn – like being a controlfreakoverachieverobsessive kind of person. (see second sentence) I often find myself checking something I’ve just said or did and hoping he wasn’t watching. I know I can’t be perfect, but even more than the things mentioned, we’re trying not project our insecurities on him. If he wants them, they need to be his own.
Those are good reminders! Our kids repeat the “uh-oh” words and “shoot”, “aw,man!”, and “darn” have all been used. My favorite “uh-oh” word is the “s” word but thankfully I have been lucky enough to have always had them out of ears reach when I have said it. I am sure my luck will end some day but we are pretty creative about our word usage here.
Just tonight the boys were sharing a glass of water–MY water–and then fighting and freaking out about the other person finishing the water before the other person got another sip. Isaac was crying about it. I came in from the kitchen (where I was cooking dinner) and said, “guys, this is stupid. if someone finishes the water go into the kitchen and get more from the fridge.” Isaac quickly told me that we don’t say stupid. Even though my usage of the word was correct–we have been teaching them that we don’t call people stupid but have been encouraging them not to use it at all. I guess if I don’t want them to use it then I shouldn’t either! It was stupid though.
@Heidi, that is too funny!! That makes me glad Darah and Connor can’t talk yet….they are going to be my worst tattle-tales some day!
@Myra-I am the same way! I am sickly addicted to busy-ness and am a perfectionist in a lot of things I do. I really want my kids to strive and do their best, but do not want them consumed by busy-ness like I am! Just ask Amanda!
Good grief, have we been having problems with this lately. Our son has picked up all sorts of un-edifying vocabulary recently. No swear words, just things like, “whatever!” “freakin’” and “stupid.” We’ve really had to retrain our mouths so that our words are “seasoned with salt” and “useful for building up others.” I’ve been so convicted recently that I’ve started concentrating on passages of the Bible that deal with our words (or our tongues). A lot of wisdom there.
I am very encouraged by everyone’s stories/confessions.
Sharon, you are right – the more scripture we soak up, the better our language is, truly – so I better stay in that habit.
I wanted to also add to the conversation that I think it’s a fine line about showing emotions in front of the kids. For example, I think it’s good for Lucy to see that I am angry. Anger is not bad. But I have to be careful how I express it. And that is the tough part. Same with sadness. There have been times I’ve been upset/crying, etc., and I try to mask the tears, because I don’t want to scare Lucy. But I realize now that it’s good for her to see that crying is okay for adults too, and to see how my hubby comforts me when I’m sad. Those are all good lessons.
The other issues I know I’m setting a bad example about is tv watching and eating junk food. Those are just two things I like to do. Very much.
On the flip side, she sees me running on a regular basis and always likes to announce, “Mommy exercise!!!” to anyone who listens. So that’s fine by me. Better than, “Mommy is obsessed with cheezits!!”
There’s a lot I do/say that I don’t even know I do/say until my oldest mimics me.
There’s so much unconscious behavior to be aware of, it’s mind boggling.
But it’s a great learning tool for us parents: our kids really are a mirror.
And quick story:
The other day at preschool, a teacher asked me if my husband were having surgery.
I said, “yes,” wondering how she knew that.
And just at that moment my oldest walked up behind me and said, “Yes! My daddy is having surgery! AND he’s getting stitches. ON HIS P$#IS!”
(I didn’t even know my daughter knew he was having surgery…much less had all the details!)