The Mom Crowd

I am writing this with humility, because I am guilty of this topic. I think most moms have been caught up in a competitive parenting mindset at one point or another, though. These competitive parenting conversations range from everything from basic child-rearing practices, who delivered the biggest baby, who’s child accomplished major milestones the earliest (walking, potty-training, getting their first tooth, etc.) to who breastfed their child the longest. The funniest thing about our competitiveness as moms is that it isn’t limited to having the most advanced child. Sometimes, the competition is about who’s child gets up at night the most, who’s child had colic the longest, who’s child was the latest walker, who’s child is the pickiest eater, who’s child wasn’t potty trained until they were five, who’s husband helps the least, etc. I am embarrassed to admit that I have actually tried to one-up other moms about Connor’s horrific colic which forced me to hold him all night, every night, on the couch and to wear him all day in the Baby Bjorn. Why???

This isn’t limited to the “typical developing” world! Trumping and one-upping is very prevalent in the world of raising children with delays. When I’m around other parents of children with Down syndrome, I feel like I can let my competitive nature go wild because there is a “fair playing field” (not true) when comparing Darah to children who also have Down syndrome. Just like moms of typical developing children, these competitive conversations are sometimes about who’s child is the most advanced and sometimes about who’s child is struggling the most or has the most health issues.This competitive attitude comes out with our closest friends and with complete strangers. I believe that most parents are competitive because we all want validation in our parenting and sometimes we want the other mom to know we’re doing an ok job in parenting. When we has it harder than the other mom, we feel better that we’ve gained sympathy from the other mom or feel validated for being grumpy with our husband!

The Today Show has this article which gives five tips for dealing with other moms who are competing unsolicited. They suggest trying to understand where your friend is coming from and if she is feeling insecure about something, not allowing your friend to determine what your goals or success is, respond in noncompetitive ways and being reaffirming to your friend, refusing the urge to one-up your friend and just letting the conversation be about her, or letting your friend know how you feel.

If your struggling with competing with other moms, I suggest that you slow down and keep a proper perspective. Kids who are not living an overly structured life and have time to explore and have free play are “more creative, more self-sufficient, and less stressed than other children.” If your child potty trains at 13 months old or at 3 years and 11 months old, I am going to guess that there will be absolutely zero long-term effects. Earlier walkers do not climb the corporate ladder faster than late walkers. I have joked that my epidurals during my deliveries does not mean my Mother’s Day card is smaller!

It’s wonderful to be proud of your child and perfectly natural to engage in some minor bragging, but it’s important to try not to cross the “I can trump that” line.

How has competitive parenting affected you?

Recently someone asked me, “What determines your success as a parent?” I immediately thought about when I worry and my husband tells me, “Ace is okay and she is growing and doing well. You are doing a great job. Don’t worry.” So my answer to the question was my daughter is alive and healthy and developing, so I must be doing a good job. Those first appointments at the Pediatrician’s office felt like my scorecard. My daughter’s weight indicated that I was doing a good job feeding her. She passed all the developmental milestones, so I was doing great. Right?

John MacArthur says, “Success in parenting is measured by what the parents do, not by what the child does.”

My daughter’s development, behavior, and weight are not true reflections of how well I am doing as a parent. What matters most is that I am doing all I can to ensure her well-being and to raise her according to the standards that my family agrees upon. McKenna’s post about Mommy Guilt quoted an article by Lori Radun. Part of the quote says, “acknowledge that you are not responsible for everything your child(ren) do.” We are responsible for some things that our children do, but not everything. We can’t control every health issue and behavior in our children.

There is freedom when you realize that even if your child doesn’t turn out the way you guide them, you are still a success because you loved and disciplined them the best you knew how. My desire is that my daughter will be a woman of integrity, compassionate, unselfish and generous. If she does not exhibit those characteristics doesn’t mean I am not a success as a parent. Those traits are up to her. I can only guide her and be an example myself. Then I am a success as a parent.

How about you? How do you determine if you are a success as a parent? Do you agree with John MacArthur’s quote?

I have played the “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” game since Day One of getting pregnant with my first child. I wished I would not have gone skiing and hot-tubbing before I knew I was pregnant. I wished I wouldn’t have forgotten my prenatal vitamin so many times. This guilt game has just gotten worse and worse the longer I’ve been a mom. After my daughter was born with some health issues, I instantly took responsibility for her health problems! I was mad at myself for knowing she probably had Down syndrome and not researching more information to better equip me to be her Mommy. I also took responsibility for Connor’s heart defect because in my mind, there was surely something wrong with me. I think the hardest guilt-trips I’ve gone on have had to do with having a child with special needs and never feeling like I’m doing enough for her.

This game of “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,” is not limited to the major issues of my parenting, however. I have punished myself for letting my kids watch too much television, and have given myself the necessary lashing for trimming my children’s nails to short and drawing blood. What’s so bad about the nail-trimming incident is that I’ve heard my dear friend beat herself up about this before, so I should have been even more careful! Then there’s always that time that I won “Mother-of-the-Year” when I decided Darah could fuss for a while in her room. After 10 minutes of Darah fussing, I angrily went in her room to find that her leg was stuck between the wall and her toddler bed. The big mistakes I’ve made, along with the little mistakes I’ve made as a mother seem to turn into self-condemning and major guilt-trips. My resounding guilt-trip these days is not spending enough quality time with my children.

Before you start thinking of why you’re an even worse mother than I am and completely beat yourself over the head for things you’ve done as a mother, read on!

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Over the last year, I have had two precious little girls in my life receive a diagnosis of leukemia. Both girls are doing well and are both in remission. One will still be receiving chemotherapy over the next couple of years though to make sure she stays in remission. I haven’t been able to help my friend who is local with babysitting her other children during hospital stays and chemotherapy treatments because of the demands (and constant viruses) of my two children which has left me feeling inadequate and wishing I could do more. These little girls are amazingly brave and my heroes. Their mothers have been such an inspiration to me and I consider it a privilege to have them in my life!

Even though I haven’t been able to physically help in ways I wish I could, I decided that I had almost a foot of hair that I could share with the ever-so-fabulous organization, Locks of Love. Locks of Love is a nonprofit organization that helps disadvantaged children suffering from medical hair loss. Most of these children have cancer or alopecia, a medical condition which causes hair loss. As moms, we all know the important role our hair plays in our confidence level. Through hair donations, Locks of Love creates hairpieces for children (both girls and boys) whose families are not financially able to purchase these expensive hairpieces. I am so excited to have participated in this mission by donating 11 inches of my hair to Locks of Love.

I will be honest, parting with my hair was not easy! I scheduled my appointment several times and chickened out because I really loved my long hair. I finally sucked it up and went in to cut my hair and share it with someone who would enjoy it even more than I did. I am so glad I did. It feels amazing to help a child in such a special way. Taking a risk and trying a new hairstyle is a very small sacrifice compared to what these children have had to sacrifice against their will. Besides, new styles are always fun to try! Katie Holmes, Jenny McCartney, and Victoria Beckham have made the bob super trendy and it’s so much easier to fix than my long, layered hair!

Ways to support Locks of Love:

• The most obvious way to get involved is to donate at least 10 inches of your hair. If your hair donation is shorter than 10 inches, bleached (highlights usually use bleach) or is naturally gray, they cannot use it for the hairpieces for children, however you can still donate it to offset the manufacturing costs. For more detailed information, please visit: www.locksoflove.org.
• You can also support Locks of Love by sending monetary donations, which are tax-deductible.
• Albertson’s Grocery donates 4% of all purchases to Locks of Love when shoppers use a special key tag. To receive your keytag, send your name and address to: volunteer@locksoflove.org
• Purchase this super cute charity bear. Ten percent of the gross proceeds are donated to Locks of Love.
• If you live in the Palm Beach County, Florida area, volunteer your time at their office.
• If you know of a child who has a chronic medical condition causing hair loss and financially disadvantaged, you can send their information to Locks of Love. Forms and more information is on their website.

This list is not all inclusive. For more ways to help Locks of Love, please visit their website. I want to end this post with a beautiful statistic I found on Locks of Love’s website. It is estimated that 80% of hair donations to Locks of Love come from children who want to help other children. I hope that my daughter will join that statistic when her hair is long enough to donate!

Let’s face it, some days life as a mom is harder than others. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay at home mom or a working mom. Life’s demands and the sacrifices it takes to love and raise our children can take a toll on us emotionally and physically. We get stressed.

I know for me there are certain things that trigger stress. My short list is: a baby that doesn’t nap well, running late for preschool (or anything for that matter), when children don’t follow directions– especially when they don’t want to get dressed and THAT is making us run late, when dinner needs to be made and the baby needs to nurse at the same time which then makes bedtimes for the older boys later than they should be, listening to the boys fight over toys, a crying baby, the long gray winter here in Pittsburgh. And that is just the short list! Hopefully it didn’t stress you out to read it.

I have learned that if everything goes the way I want it to then I won’t get stressed but that isn’t reality! I do sometimes wish the world revolved around me but I am sure it is in the best interest of the rest of the world that it doesn’t.

Since adding a third child to our family I have experienced the stress of how it has changed our family. Family dynamics and roles change with every child added and we are finally adjusting to life with a third child.

Sometimes I find myself thinking about the Serenity Prayer. It goes like this; God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the gray weather day after day, when boys decide to be selfish and not share, when the baby won’t go to sleep on his own), the courage to change the things I can (getting up a little earlier to get everyone ready to get out the door, being consistent in using discipline or sleep strategies, thinking about dinner earlier in the day instead of 4pm), and the wisdom to know the difference.

There are no easy answers to eliminating stress or reducing it but I did want to share some things that work for me.

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