The Mom Crowd

Something that has struck me over the past 5 years was how important it is for mothers to be a support to one another and learn from one another. Since having kids I have connected with women in a whole new way. There is something woven in our inner beings that make moms come together. Maybe is the desperation we all feel to be good moms and raise our kids well. Maybe it is to overcome the overwhelming responsibility day after day of caring for our kids. Maybe it is simply to learn what worked for other moms so we can try it on our own kids. Whatever the reason, we moms need each other. I have learned so much from other moms but I felt that I must honor a good friend and mentor: Janell Leland.

Janell took interest in me before I was even pregnant with my first child. I was a young married woman and she– an older married woman, who happened to have 8 children. When I first met Janell she was like a superhero to me. I mean, she had 8 children! I was drawn to her quiet spirit and her wisdom. Janell is slow to speak, a good listener, a faithful friend, an honoring wife, a good mother, a thoughtful hostess. She had qualities and characteristics that I myself wanted as a wife and mother.

It was so interesting to go into her world and watch her mother her children. I would ask her questions about birth, breastfeeding, babies, and husband “stuff”. She was always happy to answer my questions, share her own experiences, and listen to my worries.

When I got pregnant for the first time she was top on my list to ask questions to. How did you get your babies to sleep? What were your labors like? How do you cope with the sleep loss? How do you take care of the younger kids who aren’t in school and homeschool your older kids? My husband is doing _fill in the blank_ does yours ever do that and how should I deal with it?

Over the years I have gotten some pretty good advice from Janell. Some of my favorites are:

1) Enjoy every baby as if it were your last. I have done this with my 3rd baby and it does make a world of difference! Even during the harder times this thought goes through my head and it helps me cherish my baby.

2) When you are about to have another baby nip any behavioral problems with the youngest child in the bud before the baby comes.

3) It isn’t the end of the world if you let your kid cry in the pack and play while you get some things done.

4) When your child does something wrong (like being unkind), learn to ask, “Was what you did right?” We more typically say, with a scold to our voice, “That was wrong!” By asking the question, we allow the child to better recognize that yes indeed, what s/he did was wrong. We must remember that God gave the child a conscience. Asking the question allows him/her to use it and become more aware of what’s right and wrong.

Those are just a few of the nuggets of wisdom that I have learned from Janell. I am sad that we don’t live in the same city anymore and that we don’t talk as often as I would like to but I am truly thankful for her investment in my own life. I hope that when I am an older mom that I will be a blessing to another young mom in the same way she was to me.

What about you….have you had a mentoring mom come your way? What was your experience? What characteristics/qualities do you look for in other moms that you want to emulate? Ever mentored a younger mom? What good advice did you get?

One year ago I became a mom and my relationships with friends changed. The need to hang out with other Preggies and moms is an intrinsic necessity put inside us when we become pregnant.

After I came home I made play dates with almost every stay-at-home-mom that I knew. I even planned one mega-huge play date to get us all in one place. After a couple of visits with many friends I realized that I couldn’t be a friend with every mom on the planet. Also, I just didn’t hit it off with some folks. Over time I have found my close friends whom I stay in contact with regularly.

One encouraging lady that I stay in contact with regularly is McKenna, who also writes for The Mom Crowd. She has been a long time friend of mine, but we weren’t always close. We became great friends in a young married’s small group, but when she had Darah our lives went in two different directions. Three years later I was pregnant and she just had her second baby. I would go over to her house after my check-ups, because her house was close to my doctor’s office. Our friendship instantly grew and I now count her as one of my best friends. However, we wouldn’t be as close as we are now if I never had my own child.

Another place I found new/old friends is on the web. Some of my old friends had moved away and we didn’t stay in touch. After I was pregnant I was able to reconnect with friends like Amelia and Dawn (who also write for TMC) and Sharon, because they had started their own blogs. I didn’t know that Amelia had become a Bradley Birth Instructor and I was able to get some fabulous birthing advance from her before I gave birth. It was fascinating catching up on their lives through their blog posts. I have also made new friends through the web. There are a lot of supportive and encouraging moms out here in the web world.

Some of my single-friends-without-kids have been very accommodating. I love that they are free to come to my house at night and watch t.v. with me whenever they want. (Shout out to Mells and Wells!) Getting a sitter and going out with friends isn’t always an option, but having friends over while Ace sleeps is just awesome. I know once they get married and have their own families our relationship may change some, but I am selfishly enjoying all their free time for me right now.

When I didn’t have children I never understood why parents were so strict with naps and bed times. I don’t know if I ever would have fully understood the impact of a fussy, crabby child who has not napped. I don’t expect my friends-without-kids to understand bed times and the loss of spontaneity that comes with a new little one. I am still chummy with my friends-without-kids, but we don’t hang out as much as we used to. Get-togethers require calendar coordination and the stars to align before we see each other.

The magnitude of the life change a baby brings sends shockwaves through your friendships. Some relationships may fade away, while new ones begin, and others make it through the quake unscathed.

Did you find new friends after you had a baby? Did you lose any friends? Did you notice how you didn’t click with some moms you thought you would?

Three weeks after my son Eli was born (via c-section), our family moved from Virginia to Alabama. Our daughter Lucy was 18 months old at that time. My husband got a new and better youth pastor job, which is why we transplanted ourselves. (We got the job about a month before Eli was born, so we basically waited till after the birth to make the big change.) We were excited and thankful for this, but boy, was it interesting. While we were preparing for Eli’s birth, we were also tying up loose ends, packing everything up, and saying goodbye to good friends.

After all the “new arrival” hoopla faded away here, I suddenly found myself in my new living room, stuck on the couch, nursing my new infant son while helping my toddler get acclimated to her new surroundings. I was alone. I was hormonal. And I was lonesome. No family or friends for hundreds of miles.

I’m a big people-person, so I knew I needed to find community immediately. We were already in a great church (by default!), so I started there. I joined a Friday morning ladies’ Bible study that provided child care. That was twice a month. (Two mornings down, 28 other mornings-per-month to go, I thought.) I attended church every week with my family, and I taught the middle school girls’ class on Wednesday nights. I felt I was doing everything I knew to do to make friends. But it wasn’t happening quickly enough for me. Plus, I really was trapped in the house with my tiny boy! It wasn’t so easy to take both babies out for activities in those first few months. I was pretty much down to asking people to come over and hang out with me and the kids. Some people did (and I am so grateful!), but it felt funny asking brand-new acquaintances to come over, you know? (“Hi, I’m Dawn. Can you come over tomorrow?” – yeah, a little weird.)

I emailed my good friend Laurie back in Virginia and asked for prayer. She encouraged me but gently reminded me that for some people, finding that they “fit in” to a new place takes sometimes up to a year! Yikes. I was only in month two. I was desperate for cameraderie – good friends – more than just a small-talk conversation with people I had just met. It was time to dig deeper. And I was in crisis mode.

I discovered a support ministry at my church that I decided to take advantage of. It’s called Stephen Ministry. Basically, I was matched with a “mentor” who would meet with me as often as I wanted and would just listen and support me through my season of hardship. So for six months, I met once a week with a woman 25 years older than me, and wow, did it help. Not only did we become friends, I had a standing weekly appointment in my calendar to look forward to. (When you have NOTHING in the datebook, that really means something!) My time with my Stephen minister completely encouraged me and helped me through my tough, lonely season.

Gradually, my acquaintances became friends. I found a few other moms who were free on Thursday mornings and started a playgroup. Wow! Another thing to look forward to each week! We rotate whose house we meet at each time, so once a month, I host my friends and their kids for a simple time of play while we moms try to talk. The moms and I have started going out for girls’ nights every few months or so for dinner & a movie, too (while dads stay with the kids). So much fun!

And throughout all of this, my Eli turned from an infant into a crawling tyke, while my Lucy turned straight-up preschooler (once a week, anyway). I am becoming more acclimated to my new hometown, more a “part of” things, and less lonely. Sometimes I may have seemed desperate to folks, but that’s because I was. I got tired of waiting on things to happen and realized I needed to make them happen myself. I lost the sense of embarrassment in openly asking people to be my friend. And it was worth it.

There’s no getting around it: moms who are new in town need friendships in order to make it. If you have lived in the same place for awhile, be sure to take notice of the new folks in town, and reach out to them. If you are in the same boat that I was, give me a call! don’t be afraid to tell people what you need. Here are other things I’ve done or that have been suggested to me; things that are fairly obvious but may be something you need to read today:

* Invite people over to your home for coffee, lemonade, cookies, muffins, what-have-you.

* Find other available moms and make your own playgroup!

* Attend activities at your house of worship.

* Find out if there is a local Mom’s Club to join. I have seen their activities calendars and they are packed!

* Take a class at the YMCA, or join Stroller Strides.

* Hang out with your neighbors.

* Let the kids play with the stuff at Barnes & Noble Jr. I can’t believe how many other families hang out there on Friday nights. My husband even made a new friend in another dad there!

* Initiate conversation with other moms at the park or mall play area.

* Bring the kids to story time at the library. It’s free and it’s air-conditioned!

* Check in with The Mom Crowd (and other mom forums) every day for encouragement. (cough*shameless plug*cough)

What about you? If you’ve recently moved, how did you survive the initial transition phase? Which of these things have you tried and enjoyed? What else can go on the list? What experiences can you share with us? (Also, I know some of our TMC readers are internationally-based. How do you cope with this?)

Happy Earth Day! In honor of Earth Day I have composed a few easy things you can do to contribute to helping the earth be a little safer for our kids.

1. Next time you go to the store try buying Tide for Cold Water. Using cold water on all laundry uses less energy–thus reducing your carbon footprint. It will also save you about $65 per year on your electric bill.

2. Reuse those baby food jars! They can be used to:

• transition toddlers and preschoolers to a big girl/boy glass at the dinner table

• serve ice cream, pudding, or mouse in them for great kiddie sized portions

• organize your “junk drawer” for things like rubber bands, thumb tacks, paper clips, small watch/toy batteries, stamps

• put paints in for your budding artist to dip their paintbrush into

• catch bugs in

3. Break out those cloth napkins that you registered for at your wedding! I don’t know about you but I registered for cloth napkins and I never used them. We just went through our LAST pack of paper napkins and we are now using cloth ones. Buying or using cloth napkins reduces the use of energy and resources to make the paper napkins. You can also reuse old dishcloths and make them into cloth napkins. If you want to get creative you can assign each person in your family a colored napkin. You could also have napkin holders with each persons name on it. When the napkins get yucky enough you can throw them in the wash. They don’t have to be washed after every use!

4. Consider purchasing a reusable water bottle for every member in the family. 38 billion water bottles are put into landfills every year! A reusable water bottle will help decrease that amount. Sigg and Kleen Kanteens are great choices that are environmentally friendly and recycleable! They also make them in great kiddie sizes.

5. Turn your heat/ac up/down 1 degree. One degree won’t be that noticable and it will also reduce your energy bills and carbon footprint!

6. Arrange a Toy Swap with your other mommy friends. Toy Swaps help rid your house of clutter toys your kids have lost interest in and provide “new” toys for the kiddos to play with. It doesn’t necessarily cut down on toy clutter but it does help reduce waste from buying new toys. With 3 kids I have toys coming out of my ears. Sometimes the plastic toys make me feel like I’m going insane. I have a pile in the basement of toys that we have grown out of or have lost interest in and I am already planning on making a stop at good will or arranging a toy swap of my own!

I recently bought a book that just came out called Healthy Child, Healthy World: Creating A Cleaner, Greener, Safer Home. It is a book with tons of information about making your home nontoxic, recipes for air freshener, bubble bath and pet flea repellents, green gardening, how to avoid those scary toy recalls and how to choose safer art supplies, smart choices for remodeling your home and even a shopper’s guide for quality green products, brands, stores and websites. I haven’t read it all the way through but I have read most of it and have been impressed with the helpful information in the book. One thing I appreciate about the book is that each chapter covers the impacts of our choices on the environment. I know that the idea of being green and changing family patterns and habits can be overwhelming but the book emphasizes that any choice to go greener is a step in the right direction. I think it would be impossible to overhaul everything in our lives all at once. I know in our family we are taking one step at a time and it still feels like we are doing so little. I am trusting that my small contribution combined with others contributions will help make a big impact on making the world a better place for my kids and grandkids.

Being green is definitely becoming more popular and easy to do. What kinds of green things do you do?

(Note: Normally I’m your trusty pop-culture writer, but occasionally I might veer away from that territory and into other things. In case you were wondering.)

When I am fortunate enough to have my two darlings nap simultaneously, I get to have “free time”! Oh, to remember life B.K. (“Before Kids”, as Myra awesomely puts it.) I’m not that housewifey with my free time, I’m just gonna make that clear right now. Each room is pretty much a mess, there’s always laundry to put away, and I don’t get dinner prepared.

Naw, instead, I jump on the computer and start blogging. I love blogging. I used to feel guilty for the amount of time I spend blogging – it’s all so virtual, you know? What do I really have to show for that time? I worried – but then I realized that there is nothing wrong with spending my time doing something I like. And here’s what I like about blogging: It’s my creative outlet. Some people like gardening, others paint. I find personal satisfaction in blogging about my kids, my faith, my taste in movies/music/tv, what our family is up to, etc. I post tons of pictures. I get to keep in touch with my many friends in other cities/states/countries in an easy and convenient way. And I meet new friends with common interests all the time! Blogging makes my “world” seem smaller, and I mean that in a good way. To me, the benefits far outweigh any insecurities that I am “wasting” my time. And you probably agree, or you wouldn’t be here reading my ramblings!

One of the biggest parts of my blogging addiction is photoblogging (posting original pictures on a blog). There are a ton of mommy-bloggers who do this! I began participating in Best Shot Monday last summer. Tracey Clark, an inspirational mommy-blogger and photographer, hosts BSM. The concept is simple: each week, choose what you think is your best shot from your week’s worth of picture-taking, and post it on your blog. Don’t worry over whether or not your picture is good enough – the participants range from highly skilled to the average picture-taker. The cool thing is that everyone is nice. I’ve seen no pretentious attitudes anywhere in BSM. On Monday mornings, go to Tracey’s blog and leave the link to your post in the comments. You’d be amazed at what this simple act will afford you: a slew of amazing photography to enjoy, a ton of input and encouragement from others about your own pictures, and a whole host of new friends to swap life stories with. It is a really cool way to feel connected to something, especially when you feel cut off from the rest of the world in the stay-at-home grind. It’s also a fun way to start another week. Here’s a link to some of my previous BSM’s.

Theme Thursdays are also fun. Stacy hosts this. Each week she gives a helpful tutorial on an aspect of taking or editing pictures, and assigns a theme for us wannabe-brilliant photographers. Then we post our photos and share them in the same manner I described above. This week’s theme was “Spring”. Check it out! Stacy usually posts the new theme at the beginning of each week. Here’s a link to some of my previous TT’s.

I don’t always have time to participate in these things, of course. There are many stretches of time when I’m just too busy with life to focus on pictures and blogging. But it’s nice to know that these communities are there whenever I do have the time.

Of course, there’s also Flickr, a really cool photoblogging community with millions of users. You can set up an account for free (with limited uploading amounts), or pay a fee for unlimited uploading. I like using Flickr because it is really fun to share my pictures with people who are equally crazy about taking pictures. My photostream can be viewed here.

Now that I’ve got an ipod, I’ll probably spend my precious free time playing with that. But that’s a whole ‘nuther post.

What about y’all? When you’re not doing chores, how do you spend your free time? How often do you get free time? And if you’re looking for something fun to do, be sure to check out one of these great online communities.