The Mom Crowd

I saw in my sidebar here at The Mom Crowd the title  “Body image issues during pregnancy” under the More from BlogHer section. Morra Aarons Mele published a post titled “Pregnant, fat” over at Blogher.com. I had to go read it.  I have been having my own body image issues with my second pregnancy.

With my first I was excited and proud to show off my belly. I worked in an office and proudly wore my heals and dressed up all the way up until the very end. This time I am at home and don’t really have to impress or look cute for anyone. I am casual everyday in my new skecher tennis shoes with no laces. So I don’t feel like I take as much pride in the way I look this second time around.

As a result of my horrible morning sickness and strict gestational diabetes (GD) diet I only gained 25 pounds with my first pregnancy. I felt back to normal and lost it all within 9 months of having Annabelle. Another reason why I am not truly motivated to keep my weight down this pregnancy is because I know that the weight comes off pretty easily after the baby comes.

Since I found out I was pregnant and knowing that I might have gestational diabetes again I have been allowing myself to eat whatever I want. Bring on the cake, pie, cookies, and brownies.  I have tried to ease up on the sweets since Thanksgiving, but not as much as I should. Tomorrow I take my first test to determine if I have GD again. In a way I am completely okay if I have it, because it will help me be super strict with my diet. The only downside is that if I can’t control it with diet and need insulin, then I can’t birth at the birth center I have been attending.

I have let myself go and I feel huge this pregnancy. I already mentioned how I don’t really feel up for sex very much lately and this certainly does not help. I have no energy and I feel fat. I am afraid to get on the scale. Okay, maybe I will just for you guys. I am back from standing on the scale. I have gained 23 pounds and I am only 26 weeks pregnant. ugh. (That is only 2 pounds away from what I gained total the last time I was pregnant.)

It also doesn’t help that strangers and people mention how huge I already am. They don’t believe me when I tell them that I still have three months to go. One person and her mother insisted up and down that I was further along than I think. Really, I know when the first date of my last period is. So not only do I feel huge, other people like to confirm that I am.

I don’t have any helpful solutions for making myself or anyone else feel better about their body while they are pregnant. My only hope is to slow down my weight gain and look forward to when I have my body back to work it all off.

Did you have any body image issues while you were pregnant? Did you really feel fine and happy to be round or did you look forward to having your body back?

I had a friend recently email me asking what I thought about the different co-sleepers available and if I used one.  Then I thought it might make a good post!  Even if you are having your first, second, or third baby you might be on the hunt for a new or alternative sleeping arrangement rather than having the baby sleep in a different room from yourself.  Regardless of your parenting philosophy, many parents find that having baby nearby, sharing their bed, or right next to them is easier for night time feedings and those middle of the night diaper changes.Co-sleepers are similar to pack and plays in the way the look but they attach to the bed, giving the baby a special space of his/her own.  The co-sleeper is level with the bed which allows easy access for the mother or father to scoop up the baby when he/she is ready to eat, needs a diaper change, or just needs some attention.   

The Arms Reach Co-Sleeper has become rather popular for moms who are planning on breastfeeding and want easy access to their babies at night.  I asked a friend who has the Mini Co Sleeper and she raved about it. Her husband is a heavy sleeper and she didn’t feel comfortable having the baby in bed with them while he tossed and turned at night.  She also knew that she would sleep more comfortably if she had the freedom to move and change positions without worrying about waking up the baby.  She mentioned that the co sleeper was also helpful right after the baby was born because she had a c-section and it allowed her to only have to sit up in bed to feed the baby rather than have to get up and go across the room or into another room to get her baby before feeding him.  She said it was very helpful for her recovery and healing process.  Not only that, but it also helps her get through the whole feeding, diaper changing ritual faster which results in her getting a little more sleep.  And every mom with a newborn is thankful for as much sleep as possible! The only drawback she said about the co-sleeper is that in order to get out of bed you have to either get out on the side the co-sleeper isn’t attached to or slide down past it and then get out of bed.  She likes the mini co-sleeper because it takes up less room and you don’t have to go as far down to slide out of bed.   The Arms Reach co-sleepers are portable and break down similarly to a pack and play which make them appealing for travel as well. And some take up less room when broken down.      

Some parents like the feeling of closeness created by having the baby in bed with them. An alternative to bedside co-sleepers is something called a Snuggle Nest.  A Snuggle Nest creates a place for the baby in your bed and provides some boundaries so pillows or blankets don’t get too close to the baby’s face. I have another friend who used this with one of her babies and she loves it. She likes being able to hear the baby breathe at night.   She used it her second baby until he started rolling around a lot and getting out of his swaddle.  It became too hard for him to stay in the little nest. She is also using it for her third baby and still loves it.  At night when the baby wakes up to nurse she slides her down from the Snuggle Nest and nurses the baby and then slides her back up after she is done.  It makes it easy to doze while the baby is nursing and easier for her to go back to sleep since she didn’t have to get out of bed.  The other plus my friend mentioned to me is that since the baby is so close by she can listen for whether or not the baby is due for a diaper change.        

We have always had our babies in the room with us for the first several months–our first had the shortest stay in our room–only about 31/2 months.  He slept in a pack and play near our bed.  Our second and third slept in bed with us until they were 4 months old and then moved into a bed (still in our room) until they were close to a year old.  One was moved to a pack and play, the other to a crib.  I liked not having to get up and go to another room to get them for feedings and I liked that they were nearby in case I needed or wanted to check on them at night.  I had contemplated getting a co-sleeper with our thrid but decided to see if I still wanted on after he was born.  I thought about borrowing one from someone, but I didn’t know anyone at the time who had one laying around.  We just did what worked for us as a family. Although I enjoyed the babies sleeping with us or near us, I was ecstatic when I finally had my own space and room back. It was so nice to be able to read in bed and not worry about making any other noises that might wake up the baby–if you know what I mean .

Where did your baby sleep after he/she was born? What worked for your family? What didn’t work?

I was talking to a friend not too long ago, who was sharing with me some of her difficulties about being a mom.  She recently had a baby and is probably suffering from some postpartum depression. But not in the way you’d necessarily expect.  She doesn’t sit and cry all day long.  She doesn’t feel depressed.  She feels angry–really angry.  Easily frustrated.  Occasional suicidal thoughts. As she was sharing I had flashbacks from my postpartum days after I had my second baby.  I felt the same things.  Sometimes I would feel so full of rage toward my baby that I understood in those moments why some mothers shake their babies or abuse them. When he would cry and cry I had images of throwing him across the room.  And then I would snap back into reality and feel like the worst mother of the world.  I had suicidal thoughts–I wanted to escape from my reality at the time.  I took most of my anger out on my husband. I remember one day when he walked in the door 3 minutes (that’s right, 3 minutes) late from work and I laid into him like he had been gone all night.  So much for “Hi dear, I’m glad you are home.”   I was so upset that if I had lasers in my eyes I would have burned a hole in his chest.  Something wasn’t quite right in my head to respond so viciously.  I would get so mad for little things and it was hard on our marriage.  I think it was must of been God’s hand on my heart that kept me from doing anything that would harm myself or my children or in some instances, my husband.

We recovered and looking back, I wish I had talked to a professional about how I was feeling.  I might have asked for more help–but at the time I didn’t know WHAT would help. Even when our third baby was younger and he would fight going to sleep, I would feel those feelings of rage and would put him on my shoulder to pat his back.  Sometimes I would pat it hard enough that I could tell that my anger was getting the better part of me and I would slow down and take some deep breaths.

Sometimes postpartum depression masks itself in different ways. I think that mothers are afraid to talk about how angry they sometimes feel toward their children.  No one wants to be the mom who yells at her kids, spanks in anger, shakes her baby, slams doors, feels like she hates her husband.  I think moms feel ashamed if they struggle with these things and don’t want to tell their friends because they are afraid of being judged.  So they struggle alone–maybe they have a faith to fall on–maybe not.  Maybe they suffer alone because they feel like they have to hide their feelings.   If you are out there and reading this, and you too have struggled (or currently are) with postpartum depression that included fierce anger toward your children or your spouse –I just want you to know that you are not alone.  There are others of us out there who have been through it.

Things that might help:

• Make an appointment with a counselor
• Get an appointment to talk with your medical provider (midwife, family doc, ob etc.) and talk about your options
• Talk to a trusted friend about how you are feeling (even if you are not one to share about your deeply personal struggles)
• Talk to a pastor/clergy, Stephen minister, prayer group and have them pray with you
• Ask your friends/family to help.  Yes, it is hard.  But it might make your life a little easier
• Ask your spouse for some regular free time away from the house (even just one or two a week)

How can your friends help?

• Bring a meal
• Come for a play date
• Come and hold your baby while you do chores or cook dinner
• Come and hang out with your baby while you take a nap
• Have someone go out for the “I’m out of bread and milk” grocery run for you
• Watch the baby/kids while you go to your doctor/counseling/clergy appointment

Trying to get pregnant is so much fun, then you see the two blue lines and something changes. The months of fun are over and the vomiting begins. For some getting pregnant takes the pressure off and they are able to have more fun in the sack afterwards. For others that drive is simply gone and the preggy lady wants nothing to do with it. Feeling nauseated all day and a heightened sense of smell doesn’t help matters. You know, their breath smells bad, when it is probably fine every other time. It is certainly a disappointment for the guy if the latter extreme happens and their months of fun are over for a while.

The first trimester passes and you are feeling better, but now you are fat. At least you feel fat, but your preggy belly only turns him on more. Then you are told not to lay flat on your back, because you may caught off necessary oxygen to the baby. So you get creative, but that means you have to do some of the work and you are tired. And you still aren’t into it. For some reason your brain has turned off that desire and your main focus is getting through the pregnancy. You desire to please your husband and keep him happy, because a physically happy husband makes a very happy husband in every other area of life. (You may not agree with this statement, but I wholeheartedly believe it.)

So what do you do when you don’t want it or you can’t do it because of a high risk pregnancy? There are other ways to show physical affection with hugs and kisses. Spending relaxing alone time together. Communicate to him that you want to want it and that your desire will return. I clearly remember when my desire came back about three months after Annabelle was born. I was ecstatic. I had no idea when my desire for it would return. I was worried that it may not for a long time.

So maybe I wrote this post to only vent my current feelings. After morning sickness this is the worse by product of being pregnant. The first time when my husband and I went through this, he began to resent serving me and was in a rare foul mood. Then one day he figured it out. He wasn’t feeling any love, because I would push him away when he came near me, because I was sick. After he communicated how he felt to me, I made a point to try and pay him more physical attention. Things got a lot better. This second time around we were prepared. My husband knew what to expect and I try to focus on him a little more. It is really easy to get wrapped up in yourself when you are pregnant.

So am I the only one who has felt this way? Did you go to one extreme after you found out that you were pregnant?

Oxytocin is one of three major hormones (endorphins and adrenaline are the other two) that your body produces when you are in labor.  Oxytocin is responsible for producing contractions in the uterus which in turn dilates and thins the cervix so the baby can pass through.  Your body also releases oxytocin when your baby is nursing and when you have an orgasm.  Our bodies also releases it when we fall in love or when we develop close relationships with friends.  That is why it is knows as the “love hormone”.When a mother labors and her body produces oxytocin, it prepares her to bond with her child since the hormone is related to our emotions.When you receive artificial oxytocin, known as pitocin,  during labor it causes stronger contractions that are closer together. It also bypasses the blood-brain barrier and does not contribute to the release of natural oxytocin the body produces.  It takes away from the benefits of natural oxytocin and hinders the emotional benefits.  So you get much more pain without any love.Because of the intensity of the contractions the use of artificial oxytocin in labor for induction or augmentation usually leads to an epidural.  Some hospitals and healthcare practitioners will use the epidural as an opprtunity to increase the levels of pitocin being released so the labor will be faster.  Unfortunately, the use of pitocin for labor induction is overused and some laboring mothers are not aware of the risks of the drug.  Risks include: high use of pitocin can stress the baby which in turn leads to a cesarean birth, can tire out the uterus and lead to a hemmorhage, a much more painful labor, longer labors, restricted movement due to more monitors/machines being hooked up to the body (including internal fetal monitor which increases the risk of infection) and the list goes on. There are a few medical conditions where the benefits outweigh the risks of induction; severe high blood pressure (known as pre-eclampsia), kidney disease, proven post dates with danger to the baby, and severe blood incompatibility between the mother and the baby.If you are pregnant or planning on having another baby, I thought that this information might be helpful to you.  Induction for inductions sake (no medical reason) allows for a missed opportunity for you to experience all the wonder-love feelings that natural oxytocin produces.  And who would turn down a little extra love?So, tell me what youthink! I want to hear your responses!