The Mom Crowd

A reader asks The Mom Crowd:

“Mark and I are talking seriously about trying for our first baby and the thought of it is so overwhelming. I would love to know what other moms have been through, great resources to check out, etc. Another thing we are dealing with is different opinions on some parenting questions. I know every marriage is different, but it would be great to hear how other couples deal with differing opinions.”

My husband and I did not agree on the timing of our first child. He wanted to wait longer and I was thinking, “I’m not getting any younger.” Timing was the one thing we did not agree on. I remember praying that we would get on the same page and I just waited. About year and a half after we got married, we were at a fancy birthday/Valentines Day dinner we were talking about when to have kids. We miraculously agreed on a year and a half from that date.

Fast forward a year and a half and we still weren’t sure if we were ready. We had some concerns about not being out of debt by the time the baby came so I could quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom. There was also the larger question of “are we ready for this?” Circumstances arose that helped calm our fears. While talking with his friend who had just become a father my husband realized, “He did it and he’s still alive.” Also, our best friends were about to try to start a family. So we took the leap and started trying. Honestly, that part was super fun. Two months later we were pregnant. I was vomiting all the time and the fun stopped, but we were excited about being parents. We weren’t going to be completely out of debt by the time the baby came, but we trusted God that He would work everything out and He has!

We didn’t know how to address parenting questions until we were actually parents. We talked about parenting in our pre-marriage counseling, but had no clue about the feelings and emotions involved in these types of decisions. Each day together we are still learning how to parent Ace. The pre-marriage curriculum that we went through was called Marriage Savers. The couple that counseled us is still around and has three amazing grown children. We know that we can call them anytime we have questions about parenting. We often ask other parents what worked for them.

The decision for me to stay home came naturally for us, but I know it does not for other couples. Each couple has different opinions about staying home or working based on what their parents did. One spouse’s mom may have worked and took care of the kids, so they set that expectation on their spouse. I believe some moms are meant to work and it does not take away from their role as a mother. Ultimately, it is about trusting what God wants for your family. If God called me to go back to work I would be there and I would trust that He would work everything out. We were able to have an open dialogue about the decision and eventually came to a mutual agreement.

We did have some financial concerns, but we got lots of advice to not let finances control our decision about when to start a family. I am glad I listened to that advice. I wouldn’t trade our decision to start a family for anything.

How would you answer the reader’s questions? How did you decide to start your family? Did you and your spouse disagree on any parenting issues and how did you resolve them? Do you have any resource recommendations?

Additional Resources:

Marriage Builders on How to Resolve Conflicts
Stay at Home Calculator on Parents.com
Articles relating to staying home on Babycenter.com
Chapter 6 of Financial Peace Revisted by Dave Ramsey. This chapter talks about the finances of a second income.

My journey with Gestational Diabetes (GD) began during my 24th week of pregnancy when I failed my first one hour blood sugar test. I then had to take a three hour test where I fasted, drank some very sweet orange soda, and got my blood drawn four times to test my blood sugar levels every hour. I was not very concerned about failing the second test, because I had many friends who told me that they failed the first test, but passed the second one. Even though I knew that I had a family history of diabetes, I believed that I was in shape and eating a reasonably healthy diet, so this wouldn’t affect me.

My results came a few days later and I was shocked to learn that I had Gestational Diabetes. The news brought both disappointment and fear because I didn’t really know what this meant for my baby and me. I knew I was not looking forward to the hassle of extra doctor visits and learning about a whole new issue when I was already a naturally tired pregnant lady. Also, I knew that my diet and lifestyle would have to completely change. This now meant that I would have to see a Specialist and attend a class.

I went to the class where they taught me about the condition, testing my blood sugar, and my diet. Unfortunately, after the class, I was still unclear about what exactly GD was and how it affected my baby, my delivery, and me. All I really knew was that I could have a very big baby. I didn’t understand the diabetic diet that they had given me. What is one bread serving anyway? Diabetic measurements were a whole new encrypted code that I had to figure out. I was also instructed to test my blood sugar by pricking my finger seven times a day. All of this information was confusing and I was feeling overwhelmed. After my extended period of morning sickness, this was the worst week of my pregnancy.

That night before I had to start testing myself, I went out for my last meal – French toast. During dinner, my husband helped me plan out a schedule of when to test, when to eat, and what to eat. The first two weeks were hard, but eventually everything turned into a habit.

I had a lot of motivation to stay on track with the my GD diet:

• I really wanted to have a natural birth and to not be induced or have a C-section. I knew that if I was going to have a big baby, the chances of having a natural birth became less.
• I thought that if I was eating healthy, then I was teaching my child how to eat healthy too. I liked the idea that I could teach my child something in the womb. I was hoping that I could teach him/her to like all kinds of foods.
• I had to turn in my blood sugar meter readings every two weeks. I lived for the nurse and doctor to tell me what a great job I was doing. I wanted/needed that pat on the back to keep going.
• I knew that this diet was not forever. I had huge plans for desserts to be delivered to my hospital room. My friend even came over the Saturday after I had given birth and made me Stuffed French Toast in freshly baked cinnamon chip bread with pure Maple syrup – the best French Toast I ever had in my life.

Towards the end of my pregnancy my doctor wanted to schedule an induction date. It was scheduled six days before my due date. I told my very-knowledgeable-about-birth friend about my inducement date and she questioned me closer about the reasoning behind the induction. She also pointed out that a lot of inductions end up in cesareans. I realized that I was not sure why I had to be induced. All I knew was that I had a chance of having a large baby.

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I wish I could tell you in a five step article what happens when you find out your baby has Down syndrome, but every situation and every person is so different that the best I can do is tell you my experience.

On the day of our sonogram to find out the sex of our very first child, my husband, the two first-time grandmas-to-be and I anxiously waited in the waiting room for my sonogram. We first had the obligatory weigh-in, blood pressure check, and “how have you been feeling” with the nurse. Then the doctor came in. She asked me how I was feeling and I explained to her my eagerness to find out the sex of our baby. She first wanted to share with me the results of my quad screen. I’ll never forget her words, “It looks like your baby has an elevated chance of having Down syndrome.” Everyone in the room was shocked, except for me. I knew how unreliable those screening tests were, besides I was only 21 years old! I kept reassuring my husband that those tests meant nothing. We went back to the waiting room, and I was still my upbeat perky self waiting for the sonogram tech to call us back. I wanted my mini-McKenna…I wanted a girl so badly!!

Finally, the sonogram! The technician was conducting the sonogram and measuring all kinds of things on the baby. I kept thinking to myself, “come on already, look between the legs!” The technician then told us she wanted the doctor to look at some things. The OB walked in, looked at the screen, and said, “I have to be honest. This concerns me” as she gently touched my leg. Not only did my quad screen point to the baby having Down syndrome, but there were many physical findings on the sonogram as well. Through a cloud of tears and emotion, we found out we were having a girl, but no longer was she going to be a mini-McKenna. She was going to be different than me. She wasn’t going to look like me. She wasn’t going to act like me. Along with my picture with the arrow pointing between her legs, I was given sonogram pictures with measurements of the back of her neck, her femur, her nasal bridge…all measurements that said my baby wasn’t going to be normal. We followed up with a series of level II sonograms. Although we never had the amnio which would have confirmed Down syndrome, the doctors were sure my baby had Down syndrome when they later found a heart defect that is almost exclusive to babies with Down syndrome. My husband and I held on to the small chance that she didn’t have Down syndrome, but tried to prepare for that possibility.

My 6 hour labor and delivery went off without a hitch. As soon as I saw her, I knew she had Down syndrome because I had studied every picture of a newborn with Down syndrome that I could find. Google and I became very close, almost too close, during the remainder of my pregnancy.

For a mother, it is the worst thing in the world to hear that something may be wrong with your baby. The guilt, the tears, and the “why me’s” flood every part of you. Then the compassion for your child takes over. The “why me’s” turns into “why her” and the tears become tears for your baby, but the guilt seems to remain. “What if I didn’t have that margarita before I knew I was pregnant.” “When anyone asked if I wanted a boy or a girl, I immediately said I wanted a girl-I should have said I didn’t care as long as the baby was healthy!” “I slept on my right side instead of my left.” “If only I would have eaten better and not gained those forty pounds.” “If only I would have remembered to take my prenatal vitamin every day.” “Everyone must think there’s something wrong with my husband and I.” “Does my husband think this is my fault?” “Is it his fault?”

My daughter has Down syndrome, but that is a very small part of who she is. My daughter is a very unique, original little girl with her own personality. She has the persistence of a mule (and of her mother), my blonde hair and my father’s hazel eyes. She has short stubby toes like my sister and mother and has very straight fine hair like my husband and his family. She loves music almost more than Barney and prefers chocolate milk over apple juice. She is the best big sister in the world, until her baby brother takes a toy that she wants.

Are there things I go through that other mothers don’t have to – yes. Are there things my daughter goes through that other little girls don’t have to go through – yes. Do I worry about my little girl- what mother doesn’t? But at the end of the day, I got more than a mini-McKenna and I wouldn’t change anything about my precious little girl – not even her extra 21st chromosome!  For an exciting update on Down syndrome in our family, click here!!

Starting to breastfeed your baby can be the most frustrating and difficult two to three weeks of your life. I personally found it more painful than childbirth. Here are seven things that helped me get through those first few weeks.

1. Have a vision.

When I first started to nurse I had a lot of pain and difficulty breastfeeding my daughter, Ace. I talked about what I was feeling with a friend who was just finishing her first year breastfeeding her baby. She painted a picture for me about how she found joy in nursing, how easy feeding her son had become, and how she loved the connection that she had with her son. At the time I thought she was nuts, but I clung to that picture of the future. I had hope that nursing was going to get easier.

2. Knowledge is power.

Breastfeeding is easier when you know the biology of your body and your baby. Also, knowing how to hold your baby and the different holding positions will help you and your baby learn this new skill faster. Go to a breastfeeding class! This was by far the most informative class that I took in preparation for my new baby. In addition, don’t leave the hospital before you meet with a lactation consultant. I had learned how to hold the baby in class, but having just given birth I was having difficulty remembering what they taught me. I was thankful for the reminders. Finally, read books about breastfeeding, search websites and learn as much as you can!

3. Remember the benefits.

During the first few weeks of nursing I asked my husband to make a giant poster of all the benefits of breastfeeding, so I could read them while I was enduring the pain. I would have him recite all the benefits to me again and again. I would even list them in my head. Remembering the advantages of breastfeeding will help you stay motivated.

A few benefits of breastfeeding are:
- Your immunities and antibodies are passed to the baby making them less likely to become sick
- Saves you money
- Less likely to be a SIDS victim
- A greater bond with your baby

For more information about the benefits of breastfeeding check out the La Leche League and Breastfeeding.com.

4. It is a sacrifice.

Know that breastfeeding is a sacrifice. Yes, you will have to watch what you eat. Yes, you will have to feed almost every hour to three hours during the day. Yes, you might have a uni-boob when wearing certain nursing bras. Yes, you will have to juggle feeding your baby in public places or going home to feed. But in the end, the sacrifice and hassle is all worth it.

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