The Mom Crowd

As moms we all feel discouraged at one time or another for not living up to expectations that we have of ourselves. I mentioned in my “Judging Other Mothers” post that we should encourage each other as moms instead of judging each other.

Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages” suggests that people feel encouraged and loved through five different love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, the giving of gifts, physical touch, and time spent. Think about a friend that you would like to encourage this week. Which do you think their love language would be? Try to do one act of encouragement this week for another friend. You will feel encouraged that you did something nice for a friend and they will be cheered up. They may be having a rough day and your little note or act of kindness could make all the difference.

Here are 30 ways that you can encourage a friend:

1. Pick up the phone and see how they are doing.

2. Mail them an encouraging note. It doesn’t have to be long.

3. Buy a small gift like a candy bar or a tube of lip gloss and leave it on their door with a note.

4. Meet up for coffee after all the kids are in bed and dad is home.

5. Give a hug.

6. Say the words, “You are a great mom!” to a friend.

7. Make a mix cd of your favorite songs for your friend.

8. Make her a gift set of personalized blank note cards that they can use later.

9. Listen to what they are going through. Just listen and don’t solve the problem, unless they ask for suggestion.

10. Mail her a $5 gift card to Blockbuster, so she can treat herself to a nice movie after the kids are in bed.

11. Meet up at a kid-friendly restaurant with your kids.

12. Compliment her cooking skills.

13. Meet at the park and bring her lunch.

14. Say the words, “Have you lost more weight? Those jeans look fabulous on you!”

15. When you go to the grocery store call them and ask if they need anything.

16. Go over to their house and while they watch the kids, do their dishes or vacuum.

17. Babysit their child(ren) for an hour, while they take a long bubble bath or take a nap.

18. Go for a walk together.

19. Help them organize that closet that they have not gotten to yet.

20. Send them a funny Hallmark e-card. (Hoops and Yo-Yo are always funny.)

21. While the dads stay home and babysit meet up with other moms on a Saturday night.

22. Go raid the clearance racks at expensive department stores together. (Macy’s usually has some good deals. My friend says that Nordstrom’s can have some good deals too.)

23. Send an email to old friend and say that you were thinking about them.

24. Just go over to their house and spend an afternoon together while playing with the kids at the same time.

25. Drop off a cute little bouquet of flowers. (Costco has amazing bouquets for fifteen bucks.)

26. Compliment what a great job she is doing raising her child(ren).

27. Help her plan her child’s birthday party.

28. Plan a two-family meal and eat together. One cooks the main dish and the other cooks the sides.

29. Print out photos that you have taken of them or their children and give them to her.

30. Write a nice comment on their blog.

My husband and I are having a hard time trying to decide how or if we are going to celebrate Valentine’s Day. We don’t usually make a big deal of the holiday. It really takes a lot of the pressure off of the both us if neither of us have particular expectations. Sometimes we will combine Valentine’s Day and my birthday and splurge on a romantic five-course dinner. This is our first year with our little one and it doesn’t look like a babysitter is going to happen. So we may go out to nice lunch with the baby or celebrate in a small way at home.

One of my favorite articles on Zenhabits.net is ‘50 Ways to Be Romantic on the Cheap.’ I am definitely a frugal gal so I appreciate some of the cheaper traditions of the holiday. Check out the article to get a few ideas for you and your loved one.

From the 50 here is my favorite 5:

14. Snuggle together while watching romantic movies .

17. Bring home good coffee or a decadent sweet.

30. Write a love letter.

33. Groom yourself, and try to look good for your partner.

50. Play Sade. Do what comes naturally. Slowly.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

I mentioned a few weeks ago here that I won third prize in AWildRide.net‘s writing contest. They have published my essay titled, ‘What to Expect When Your Mother’s Parenting is Not What You Expected’ on their site. Check it out here!

Thanks!
Amanda

I often hear other parents say, “They just grow up so fast!” I believe that statement is true from how quickly these nine months have passed for me. Before we know it our kids will be out of the house in college and even married with their own children. It’s hard to think about! When our kids are being cute and adorable we want them to stay little forever. Of course, when we are struggling with potty training and feeding times we can’t wait for them to grow up and potty and eat by themselves.

When our children learn to be independent adults and move out of the house we may be faced with Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS). Psychology Today describes Empty Nest Syndrome as “feelings of depression, sadness, and/or grief experienced by parents and caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes.” According to Ruth Rusk at EmptyNestMoms.com the feelings of sadness can begin when our children are self-sufficient teenagers, because we miss the children they once were when they were younger.

My sister was the last one to leave my parents home four years ago and my mom is still dealing with the affects of ENS. It is hard to see my mom sad. I live four hours away and do what I can to help. All I know is that I need to be prepared before my children leave, so I can deal with the sadness and grief in a healthy manner. I know all the preparations I do now may not completely help me, but the sting will be less.

It’s hard to think about our children growing up and having lives of their own. It’s even hard to think about being that old! But it is going to happen and we need to be ready.

Here are five things that we can do that will help us be well-rounded adults now and have fulfilling lives when our children are grown.

• Keep up with your friends.

Now that I am a mom it is really easy to get distracted with daily living. We have to make an effort to keep up with our friends, especially friends that don’t have kids or are single. One of my single friends comes over every Wednesday to watch Project Runway with me. It’s perfect because my baby is asleep and we can relax and have a good time. We need to take extra care not to get so wrapped up in our children that we don’t alienate any of our friends. I have seen friendships end because one of the couples would only talk about their baby. When we hang out with our friends we shouldn’t be all baby all the time. When your children leave you will still have friends, because you made the effort to stay in contact.

• Continue your hobbies or find your special talent.

If you have a hobby don’t stop just because you have children. Sometimes it is hard to make it priority and time is a luxury, so do it when you can. Do it after they go to sleep or on the weekends during special daddy time. Whatever your favorite pastime is do it! Personally I am a Social Scrapbooker. I only scrapbook when I am with other people, but I enjoy it! Make time to read, make cards, play music, sew, take photos, write creatively, make crafts, or travel with your little one. You don’t have to pause what you love just because you have kids. You can even teach them your passion or make a kid version of your hobby. Your favorite pastime can enhance your life now and later when you have the house back.

• Get dressed and put on your make-up.

Maybe I have watched too many ‘What Not to Wear’ shows, but I have learned that just because I am a stay at home mom I don’t have to dress like one. I heard too many times on that show how an extra few minutes to think about what I wear that day and putting on a little make-up would make me feel infinitely better. I know when I am having a crappy day I dress up to feel more confident in myself. When your kids are gone you won’t have to search for your identity through your clothing if you have kept yourself up the entire time your kids were home.

• Go on dates with your spouse and don’t talk about the kids.

We need to preserve our relationships with our husbands because when the kids are gone we will be alone with them once again. It is going to be much easier to transition to an empty nest with your best friend and partner by your side. We can preserve our relationship by going out and not talking about the children. You don’t have to have a specific night of the week. We go out when we feel like we need it. We just let each other know when one of us wants to go out and we schedule it. As women we wear many hats at one time. Take time to take off all others and only wear the Wife Hat once in a while.

• Prepare yourself mentally for life after the kids leave home.

We can’t live in denial that our children aren’t going to grow up. As parents we want the best for our kids and I think the best we could wish for them is to grow up to have happy adult lives. We need to be prepared to let our children grow up and respect their decisions. There will still be times when we need to speak our concern, but over small matters we need to be prepared to let them live their lives. We can pray for our childrens’ future now. One of my friend’s daughters is doing awesome in college and has even found her perfect future husband. I asked her for some wisdom and she told me it was all because of prayer. I know her to be a praying woman and she certainly motivated me to pray for my daughter’s future now. Living in the reality that one day our babies won’t always be home with us and being ready for the day they leave home may not take all the sadness of that day away, but hopefully it will make the grieving process a little shorter.

Do you have a favorite hobby? Do you and your spouse take time out for each other? Have you thought about the time when your children won’t be living with you anymore?

Women have a history of being hard on one another. Moms especially have a lot to be hard on each other about. “Oh, you aren’t breastfeeding?” “You gave your baby cookies for dinner?” “You let your baby watch 2 hours of Baby Einstein videos?” “You use a bumper?” We all have opinions about what pain management moms use during child birth. Each of us has our own style and attitudes about how we raise our children.

We need to support each other as moms and not judge each other. I know I don’t like it when I feel like I am being scrutinized or being told I am doing something wrong. There have been times that I chose not to do something with my baby, because I was afraid of being judged for it.

Being critical of your friends and family hurts your relationships. Speaking your mind does not always build trust. Sometimes friendships end because of criticism and condemnation. Even small remarks add up over time. We are not always aware that we are speaking unkindly to each other. We all put our foot in our mouth at times. Let’s be mindful of the attitudes that we are portraying to each other. In the words of High School Musical, “We’re all in this together!”

Here are 5 ways to help us stop judging other moms:

1. Make a choice not to judge. We need to make a conscious effort to change our attitudes and accept our friends for who they are. Making a choice not to judge will help you remember not to criticize or disparage your friends the next time you speaking about them.

2. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” is the fifth habit of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey. Learning this principal can greatly change the way you engage with other people. We need to try and understand what our friends are going through and the circumstances that made them choose that decision before we even speak. We don’t always have the full story from a blog post or part of a story heard second hand. I have friends that it is their personality to keep their lives private. So when they make a parenting decision, I can’t have an opinion. Seeking to understand what is going on our friends’ lives builds up our relationships and they will feel supported.

3. Stop talking about other moms, even to your spouse. We really need to guard our tongue when it comes to gossip. It is really easy to slip into gossip when you are honestly sharing the latest news of your friend or family member. Sometimes it feels good to talk about other people. It feels good to have someone agree with your point of view. Make a concerted effort with your friends not to talk about each behind each other’s backs. You won’t have to worry about if what you said gets back to your friend and it is better for everyone! There is peace in keeping your comments to yourself.

4. Don’t give advice unless it is requested. This is so hard for me, because I love asking for advice from people. I just assume that everyone is like me, but they aren’t. I need to remember that I shouldn’t give advice or my opinion unless they specifically asked for it. If advice or insight is requested from you, then you have to be careful not to be offended if they don’t take your advice. And visa versa, you shouldn’t be offended if you don’t like the guidance you requested. Counsel and sharing experiences is helpful. Let us make sure we always speak with the law of kindness on our tongue when giving counsel.

5. Celebrate and encourage each other! We all have difficult and enjoyable jobs raising our kids and caring for babies. Be and ear or shoulder when it is needed. I enjoy talking to McKenna and hearing about all the appointments and health updates of her two kids. Tell another mom what a great mom she is! Say it in a card, in person, in an email. I don’t know a mom that doesn’t mind being praised for being a good mom. Drop off or mail a little gift to a friend. Stop by and do her dishes. There are so many ways we can celebrate each other. Lets remember to stop judging and celebrate our victories with one another!

Have you ever felt judged by another mom? Have you ever been offended by someone giving too much advice? Do you make an effort not to judge other moms?